Silly reason to break up with someone?

[throwaway3749574]

Boyfriend/DP of about 3 years, my first proper relationship post divorce, and his post becoming a widower suddenly. We’re both mid forties.

I know that I can bring the relationship to an end for any reason, but I’m worried if I do I’ll regret it and that this is more of a “me” issue.

in my DP/boyfriend I have someone who is respectful, feminist, sensitive (mostly - or at least wants to be), listens to me, supportive, we have a good level of sex and it’s satisfying (if a little samey). It’s a warm loving relationship with a good underlying friendship. He has no controlling tendencies. We’re financially suited, live near each other and are on the same page re. not wanting to blend families and kids coming first (teens).
basically, I know in reality I’m lucky to have met him in my 40s and he is a good prospect compared to many available men on OLD in their 40s and 50s!

a recurring issue is that I feel he doesn’t compliment me enough. I’m rolling my eyes at myself as I write that as it sounds really egotistical. But he doesn’t make me feel like he wants me or fancies me, other than “in the moment” when we have sex which is usually quite scheduled due to the realities of when we have an empty house between us.

he says nice things…. But it always feels a bit “gay best friend” or what he’d say to his sister.

im away on a cruise and I sent him a pic of me and my kids on formal night, in a posh dress, made a real effort. He said “oooh so glitzy glam!”

am I ridiculous that I’d love it if he told me I looked amazing in my dress? Or something else that made me feel like he fancies me?

we’ve consciously wanted to have a relationship where we talk to each other about how we’re feeling and air grievances or niggles as neither of us had that in our marriages.

but it’s hard! How many times do you raise the same thing if it doesn’t change? I’ve told him how much I like it when he’s physically affectionate at “non sex times” but it’s not really improved. We have lovely warm cuddles on the sofa but I sometimes come away from his at the weekend realising we didn’t kiss properly all weekend. I’d love him to stroke my bum or get down to some proper heavy petting on the sofa but it’s very rare unless we’re doing it all.

what do I do?
it’s a recurring niggle and gut feeling something is missing. But I can foresee ending it and regretting it as in many ways he is a great partner especially heading into older years.

I should add, when we do have sex he is considerate and concerned with my pleasure. Which I don’t take for granted!
and no… I probably don’t compliment him physically that much but do consciously comment when he has made an effort. So am I unreasonable to want that back from him.

Absolutely not unreasonable at all. It sounds like he might struggle to show affection in this way though. I’d be very honest with him about what you need and explain how you feel. If he’s really a good guy he will take it on board even if it’s out of his comfort zone.

This is who he is. He won't change. Not because he's a bad person, but this is who he is ......he'll probably try to change if you tell him you're ending it because of X and Y. But the change won't last, again....not because he's a bad person

Can you be with him for the rest of your life knowing that this is what you're getting?

He sounds like a lovely man. I'm unclear as to:

1. Why you can't kiss him during a weekend. Why is it his fault that you haven't kissed?

1. Why you can't say something like "does glitzy glam mean I look beautiful?".....to remind him of what YOU need?

Some really fair points.

when I go to his overnight at the weekend his teen son is there, upstairs on the top floor/loft conversion in his room but still in the house. So we don’t tend to have sex as much as we do of a lunchtime when we’re both wfh a couple of times a week.

truthfully I’d like him to take the initiative as maybe I’m insecure then it self perpetuates as I come home and think “he didn’t want to kiss me”. Sometimes I just get a “vibe” that he isn’t in that mood, or don’t notice at the time then realise at the end of my stay we haven’t kissed once. But it’s true I should take the initiative more and not leave it to him.

when we have talked about it, he has said he thinks it’s partly learnt behaviour from his marriage (long relationship since he was 19) whereby sex life wasn’t great and him initiating physical affection or sexual touching was not appreciated.

He absolutely is a lovely man, that is true. He is a brilliant cheerleader. It can just feel a bit friendzone sometimes.

I'd lead by example. Try it for a few months and see if it helps him understand what you want (because he enjoys it happening to him)

Be romantic to him, kiss him, compliment him.....do all the things YOU want. See if it helps him relax into a different type of relationship

If it doesn't work.....review in a few months ❤️

Hmmm and that IS a concern. Keep an eye on it. You could always try couples counselling if you thought the relationship warranted the effort

Pass him on. He's not good enough for you, but he might be good enough for someone else.

Trying to imagine how I’d feel if I did that and I saw him being a lovely partner to someone else, whilst I’m at home on my own swiping on bumble, meeting guys who make me feel lusted after but can’t hold a conversation and are otherwise dickheads 🤔

He is as he is, warts and all. You either love him the way he is or you don't!

No relationship is going to ever be totally perfect, but it sounds like you've got a pretty good one here. Lead by example a bit and instigate the affection. Maybe he'll reciprocate, maybe that's just not him. But I guarantee if you ditch him the next one will have some faults too.

A good benchmark for whether a relationship has legs… is if you start a mumsnet thread asking if a particular reason is “silly” for ending your relationship - then it’s already dead in the water @throwaway3749574 .

Are you seriously saying that if we all said “YES very silly!”, you would forget all about this issue and crack on?

And he will find a lovely partner if you dump him. Of course he will. But you dont choose to NOT dump him to avoid the situation described in this quote. You dump him because you're not happy with the relationship.

I hope you don't mind me saying but you're starting to sound as though you're 15 years old. Very self absorbed and quite manipulative/insecure

Maybe what you ACTUALLY need to do is get some counselling for yourself

If you're not happy with the relationship end it

But stop being manipulative about whether hell find someone else and you'll then regret dumping him. That's very immature thinking imo

Some people might say you should be happy with what you have but that’s not how it works. Something is missing and it’s something you want. You won’t get it with him so you have to decide what you want most. You may not find someone who ticks all the boxes, you may find someone who lacks in a few other ways but makes you feel wanted and the sexiest woman on the planet. Those things he lacks might not matter because of the way he makes you feel. You won’t know until you try it but obviously you know you most likely can’t go back to your current boyfriend

I think you are being a bit ridiculous if you manage to get home before you realise you’ve not kissed all weekend. That tends to show that you and both fairly happy in the moment. Would be different if you were left stood in his kitchen feeling rejected in the moment sort of thing. You are not teenagers, you both have teenagers it’s not going to be the same.

As others have said, up your game and and see how you feel in a few months if he has started to reciprocate. Especially if he was often rejected by his ex-wife it’s going to take some time to change those habits / feelings.

It seems to me that you are expecting perfection. But no-one is perfect. The compliment thing really does sound high maintenance - you yourself have noted that the kind of men for whom that trips off the tongue may well be missing many of his other qualities. He has explained the kissing thing; you can take the initiative there to help matters along. Only you can decide whether or not he ticks enough boxes but honestly he sounds like a good-un.

Can you have a deep meaningful conversation with him, is he on the same page as you? Do you feel he grasps what you mean when you have spoken to him before about what you need? What's stopped him being successful/consistent?
Essentially does he have the capacity and the want to learn how to love you and vice versa?
If he is happy with the status quo/not bothered that things are missing for you then you either accept him as he is or end the relationship.

If you feel he has the want and capacity to truly understand/be vunerable then I'd be open to you both learning how to love eachother. That can take some time but amazing when you get there.

It took my husband and myself time to learn eachother but because we wanted to and was comfortable being vunerable with eachother our relationship has reached new heights its wonderful.

I’ve never really understood why some people crave compliments all the time.

Having someone tapping u on the arse is annoying to me
Compliments are usually special occassionas after sometime together.
I would appreicate hes got the good qualities and try to meet and be more affectionate.
Who cares whos house or when or qhos home..within respectful reason..men love to be hibitual dobt forget.

It sounds like you know the reasons he behaves the way he does, particularly when you are at his house - his son is in the loft room & he has hangover habits from his marriage.
How was your own marriage though? Can you trace in yourself where your need for compliments and being made to feel sexy comes from?

As a single order woman I think your relationship sounds amazing and I would love to have what you have. But I'm not you and I'm not in it. There is something missing for you.

I think I would do as a pp suggested and model the behaviour I would like to see - kissing, touching, compliments - and see if this effects a change.

But going forward into the later years I feel like the other qualities you mention are of far greater value than whether he compliments you and kisses you a lot.

I would think hard about what you have and see if you can get your needs met in this otherwise good relationship before rushing to end it.

He sounds lovely and like you're inventing an issue a little bit here... which might be worth you looking at.

It's up to you of course, but it does sound like you might regret it if you end this.

My DH isn’t massively affectionate either. But I think it’s learnt behaviour as his mum and dad have never shown affection to each other either. I know he loves me and we have a good sex life, but he wouldn’t just randomly kiss me passionately in the kitchen 😂. But that’s who is he and I know that, so it doesn’t make me feel insecure. Sounds like it’s your insecurities that are driving this. But agree with others, take the initiative yourself and see what happens.

Oo! I can answer this with lived experience!

My husband is/was also a widower. We have been together for 8 years. He too came from a marriage like you describe your husband's first marriage, not much affection or sex.

Soooo, initially it bothered me a lot. I would ask him to change, reminded him I needed more etc. It never did. He has not changed, because that is who he is.

But I have changed. I have realised that the support and love I receive from him is far superior to the physical affection and lust I received from previous partners. As I aged (now 49) my priorities changed, and I am completely accepting of who my husband is. This situation that bothered me before doesn't bother me at all now.

I have always derived a lot of my self esteem from how I was treated by my partners (external), now I get my self esteem from who I am (internal).

Hope this helps.