Silly reason to break up with someone?

[throwaway3749574]

Boyfriend/DP of about 3 years, my first proper relationship post divorce, and his post becoming a widower suddenly. We’re both mid forties.

I know that I can bring the relationship to an end for any reason, but I’m worried if I do I’ll regret it and that this is more of a “me” issue.

in my DP/boyfriend I have someone who is respectful, feminist, sensitive (mostly - or at least wants to be), listens to me, supportive, we have a good level of sex and it’s satisfying (if a little samey). It’s a warm loving relationship with a good underlying friendship. He has no controlling tendencies. We’re financially suited, live near each other and are on the same page re. not wanting to blend families and kids coming first (teens).
basically, I know in reality I’m lucky to have met him in my 40s and he is a good prospect compared to many available men on OLD in their 40s and 50s!

a recurring issue is that I feel he doesn’t compliment me enough. I’m rolling my eyes at myself as I write that as it sounds really egotistical. But he doesn’t make me feel like he wants me or fancies me, other than “in the moment” when we have sex which is usually quite scheduled due to the realities of when we have an empty house between us.

he says nice things…. But it always feels a bit “gay best friend” or what he’d say to his sister.

im away on a cruise and I sent him a pic of me and my kids on formal night, in a posh dress, made a real effort. He said “oooh so glitzy glam!”

am I ridiculous that I’d love it if he told me I looked amazing in my dress? Or something else that made me feel like he fancies me?

we’ve consciously wanted to have a relationship where we talk to each other about how we’re feeling and air grievances or niggles as neither of us had that in our marriages.

but it’s hard! How many times do you raise the same thing if it doesn’t change? I’ve told him how much I like it when he’s physically affectionate at “non sex times” but it’s not really improved. We have lovely warm cuddles on the sofa but I sometimes come away from his at the weekend realising we didn’t kiss properly all weekend. I’d love him to stroke my bum or get down to some proper heavy petting on the sofa but it’s very rare unless we’re doing it all.

what do I do?
it’s a recurring niggle and gut feeling something is missing. But I can foresee ending it and regretting it as in many ways he is a great partner especially heading into older years.

Great reply

I’m dating a widower too (and I’m widowed also). Don’t forget what he’s been through. It numbs your emotions completely and from what you say, I expect he’s still coming through the other side of it. He’s also got DCs so he has to provide for their emotional support too.
It’s his first relationship as a widower and that’s a big step … believe me. But it’s also a wonderful thing after dealing with a fairly traumatic time.

Your post comes across as a bit needy (sorry!). I would give it time as I think your emotional relationship will develop well (with gentle communication) as you both relax into what seems to be a very good relationship in all other aspects.

No relationship is perfect, if you ended it with him you might not find someone else who gives you everything you need anyway so if you end it it should be because you don’t want to be with him.

Personally I think it sounds a bit ridiculous you would throw away an otherwise very good relationship because he doesn’t compliment you enough. Sounds a bit exhausting for him tbh. How would you feel if he dumped you for being too needy? If he posted on here would he say “I have a lovely relationship, we get on well, but my partner constantly wants compliments and to be touched and that’s not who I am, I’m finding it draining”. You would fine the responses would be very different.

Ultimately only you can decide if the relationship is for you and whether it’s a dealbreaker or not.

I think the OP feels she might have been friend zoned

There are no silly reasons to break up. You can break up for any reason or no reason.

I don't think it's a silly reason. I felt put off on your behalf about the "glitzy glam" comment. Eew. There's nothing wrong with wanting a more passionate man who's better able to express sexual desire. I'm not sure passion is something that can be learned, so not sure it'd make a difference to talk to him about it.

I agree, it's not a silly reason if it really bothers the OP but I do also think that the positive aspects of this relationship could outweigh that.
But only the OP can decide that of course.

I could have written this post myself, the only difference is that my partner doesn’t have kids. We don’t live together and have been in a relationship for 12 years now. He’s the most wonderful man in pretty much all ways, apart from his inability to compliment and not sound like my grandma!
This became quite a big deal to me early in the relationship, I wanted to be lusted after and feel like he desired me. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable thing to want, particularly in our 40s when we might be starting to feel a bit invisible in the wider world. In the end after many discussions I’ve had to accept that this just isn’t his way, he also doesn’t ever make me feel like he’s eyeing up other women, he never comments on anyone else looking good (or otherwise) and just doesn’t seem to see people in that way. In most other ways he’s the best person I’ve ever met, so that’s the compromise I’ve accepted. Oh and also he never ever has any problem getting it up and we have great sex, so I take that as a clear sign he’s attracted to me.

The ‘glitzy glam’ comment was appropriate I feel, because the photograph included your children. Had it been just you, he could have said a bit more maybe x

Thank you to everyone, really appreciate the insights and the tough love!

Good point!

Sounds lovely to me - I personally don’t need all that stuff

I understand what you mean and I don’t think you’re being high maintenance. Wanting a partner to notice the effort you’ve made to look good or just compliment you isn’t asking for too much. Especially if your sex life is a bit scheduled, it can definitely make you feel less desired.
You could talk to him and tell him what you need, but if it doesn’t occur to him to do this naturally it might not make a difference. Feeling friendzoned might eat away at you over time so only you know what you can accept and still feel good in a relationship.
My ex never complimented me even though I know I look good. When asked he’d give a less than enthusiastic response. But that indicated how he felt about me overall and I left. Putting any kind of effort in wasn’t a priority for him.
It sounds like your relationship has a lot more plus points so think carefully about what you can cope with and what you’d lose if you left.

I get what you mean about the glitzy glam comment, I'd cringe to get that back especially after basically asking for a compliment (sorry I don't mean that in a negative way - I actually think it's good to prompt someone in this situation).

I don't know though, if he is as good as you say in the other ways, I'd probably try to put it aside. Maybe just try telling him quite frankly, look it might sound silly to you but please compliment me if I'm dressed up even if you don't mean it.

Personally I would find those sorts of comments awkward and cringey. Ultimately I think the perfect relationship is a friend you love spending time with but also fancy and want to have sex with. To be it sounds understandable that he's been discouraged in the past from saying those things and it's knocked his confidence. You can surely encourage him if that's important to you. My point is we're all different and to me he sounds great.

Dating someone who is grabbing your bum and sending flirty messages sounds tedious, there's plenty of men out there who do those things, they aren't always sincere.

am I ridiculous that I’d love it if he told me I looked amazing in my dress?

But perhaps he didn’t think that?

From your follow up posts the reason isn’t just about compliments.

It is more serious than that. He doesn’t seem to fancy you or at least doesn’t physically or verbally demonstrate that. Do you really fancy him?

We have lovely warm cuddles on the sofa but I sometimes come away from his at the weekend realising we didn’t kiss properly all weekend.

that would not suit me at all! When you don’t live together and very limited time together

"maybe I’m insecure" you answered your own dilemma @throwaway3749574 imo.

Read, more than once, if necessary, @tessellated2's reply, Today 08:26, bottom of first page

when we have talked about it, he has said he thinks it’s partly learnt behaviour from his marriage (long relationship since he was 19) whereby sex life wasn’t great and him initiating physical affection or sexual touching was not appreciated.

OK well there's your explanation. Seems plausible to me. The ball's in your court as to what you do with that. If he says it's learnt behaviour then it can be unlearnt but it's up to you to make the moves - to initiate physical touching and sexual compliments yourself, to let him know what will (or will not) be appreciated.

In 2026 women have done a great job of letting good men know that we have boundaries and they shouldn't assume they can cross them. This is a good thing, I'm not criticising it at all. But the result is that most good men will let us make it clear what our boundaries are before they initiate physical/sexual touch and talk.

Perhaps this behaviour is actually his boundaries ie if he doesn’t actually think someone looks wonderful in something, he won’t say it. Or if he doesn’t want to properly deep kiss someone, he won’t.

OP please read up on love languages before making a decision. Some people’s love language is compliments (eg you look beautiful) and others are gifts (eg flowers) or favours (eg bringing you breakfast in bed). If a couple have differing love languages they can end up feeling like they are on different pages.

Op I could have written your post - me and DP both late 40s both with teens we don’t want to blend.

My DP isn’t particularly affectionate and I know he just doesn’t crave touch in the way that I do.

I dont mind not being complimented (although he sometimes does) I just find it hard that I am so much more tactile than him and it feels a bit rejecting that he doesn’t crave that from me.

However, I would never consider it a reason to end things with him. My DP isn’t kind, loyal, devoted to me. We are a team and help each other out myriad ways that make the whole single parent experience so much easier to handle.

i know it sounds a bit head over heart but i realised that dating is like voting - you just have to catch the bus that takes you closest to the destination you want to go to.

No man is going to have everything and I’m fully aware that I am not perfect and don’t have everything either,

That vision of scrolling bumble while he is making someone else happy is probably accurate and a good reason why the hasty ‘I would dumpy’ advice you always see on MN is best left ignored.

My DP isn’t kind, loyal, devoted to me

@hebelievesinabeauty is that a typo?

Can I have him please. He sounds perfect.

"Dating is like voting" then you say something about catching buses? 😂