New relationship expectations re meals out/treats

[roastednuts123]

Been seeing someone about 4 months. He’s a really lovely chap and we get on well. Seems to really like me too. I feel lucky to have met someone so nice after a miserable marriage. However recently I keep thinking about the differences - these are relatively unimportant things I know, but keen to know what others think. There’s been no gifts or gestures (I’ve given him some small gifts for particular reasons) and the only meals out have been on me (his birthday). Financially he has more commitments than me but does have a decent job as do I, and so I take that into account but I’m worried that I’m wasting time as clearly the fact I'm thinking about this means it’s important to me. I guess the other thing is my ex-DH was very generous and loves meals out and spent quite frivolously… I don’t want that, but a little treat now and then would be lovely (as I have done for him). I realise reading this back it makes me sound shallow and I know it’s not important, I don’t want flowers or extravagant gifts but a tiny ‘I was thinking of you’ gesture would be lovely. Also it’s me that seems to plan most stuff too as he doesn’t seem too bothered about doing that! Just don’t want to waste time in my 50s if this isn’t right for me (and know only I can decide that!).

Where are the dates then? Is he just coming round to yours?

Yeah, when you go for meals do you just split the bill? If so that's fine. I would just only buy someone a gift for birthday, Xmas and maybe valentines. If he does that then just do the same.

Don't keep buying him things if it's not reciprocated.

You don’t sound compatible. Gifts, gestures, a more relaxed attitude to money are all important to you (as they are to me, definitely!) and he doesn’t offer that. I would throw him back and move on. At your age you don’t have the ballache of a ticking biological clock and needing to find a man pronto, so I wouldn’t compromise to this extent, if I were you.

I think most people probably can’t afford regular meals out at this stage in life. In our 20s, Dh and I used to go out for meals and drinks all the time, several times a week. We took it in turns paying.

In the current climate when a meal with drinks is easily £100, that’s quite a big ask. Yes, of course, it would be nice once a month or so - and you should take it in turns. But more than that is quite a lot for the average person with financial responsibilities.

When you do spend time together, do you take turns hosting at your respective houses and paying for and cooking the food? Supplying the drinks?

Most people are relatively broke in their 20s and far more financially comfortable in their 50s. If you can’t afford to take someone out for a meal once a month or so, you have no business dating a grown woman.

Have you talked to him about this? If it rankles now, it will piss you off in the long run. You are dating, this is the time to find out what you are compatible with.

it makes me sound shallow .....nailed it! What sort of "little gifts" are you expecting??

It’s just a something that makes it clear you think of them outside of the time you are with them, isn’t it?

It’s bot about value in monetary terms.

I'm not interested in little gifts and wouldn't thank you for them but I wouldn't tolerate paying all the eating out bills. I'm very much a pay your own kind of person.

Doesn't sound like you are financially compatible to be honest.

yeah but like what @MyCatIsAnAeroplane ?? I don't want a load of tat and money wasted just because someone was thinking of me!

‘the only meals out have been on me (his birthday’

You say meals (plural) but then mention his birthday. How many meals out have there been? Just one? Who suggested it? What do you normally do for dates-where and what?

and the only meals out have been on me (his birthday)

At 4 months, he should still be at the stage of trying to impress you and win you over.....well he seems very confident of himself doesn't he? It's only downhill from here.

Also it’s me that seems to plan most stuff too as he doesn’t seem too bothered about doing that!

You're wasting your time.

He is lazy and low effort I'm afraid.

Either he's like that with everyone, or he's one of the MANY men out there who behave like this when they feel like they're 'settling' for a woman.

To compensate for the fact that they think they're settling, they make a deal with themselves which allows them to put their feet up. As long as they get to be in a comfortable, low-demand, cheap relationship where they're getting more of out of it than they're putting in, and they're getting fairly regular sex, they'll be quite content to coast along for years. That's why you feel like you're making the effort at this early stage.

There are also men who like to feel like they're the princess in a relationship, so he could be one of those too.

Search online for someone like LoveKateTaylor on Instagram. You don't have to agree with everything, but I think she's made some posts that I think you'd benefit from.

I think like a bunch of flowers or box of chocs in the early days of dating is quite nice - is that the sort of thing you're hoping for?

But it's the lack of planning from him that would bother me more.

If he's passive now, I think it'll wear thin(ner) over time to be the one driving things while he's a bit of a passenger.

I'd want him to be showing he's keen to do things with me and proactive.

I think you know deep down whether he is stingy or just frugal.
I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I didn’t get little gifts and treats. I love buying thoughtful gifts for people, so I expect it to be reciprocated.
Maybe you aren’t compatible?

I don't think that's shallow, he could be buying you cheap things that show he thought of you. There's no right and wrong, you appreciate gestures and tokens of affection and he isn't that person.

Did he appreciate it when you bought him things?

Sounds like you're incompatible to me

@roastednuts123 my partner was a bit like this when we started dating but earns a lot less than me. I kept doing what I was doing and he stepped up and matched it where he could afford to. It's more about the feeling of being valued than the things themselves.

I also felt I was doing all the planning and spoke to him about it and he agreed I was right and has been making a point since to plan our time more on his side.

I think bring up the planning thing and see how he reacts as this will be the most telling.

You have to speak to him. When my DH and I were first going out, I casually mentioned that I was going to buy some perfume and he offered to get it for me, which I thought was ood. Turned out that his previous GF/s had expected this of him and he assumed I was dropping a (pretty obvious) hint. 20 years on, we do give each other little things here and there, but not often. You've been together for 4 months, that's pretty early days, still finding out if you love one another, to see if you're compatible you'll need to discuss a lot of things; ethics/values, family/children, religion/atheism, etc., and including lifestyle preferences and expectations. I think this falls under the latter.

I fear you’re right. It’s the relaxed attitude. It’s taken me a lot of years to be a tiny bit more relaxed about money (because I earn well, but my upbringing has made me incredibly cautious bordering on being tight - both with myself and others).

I really appreciate all of this. But actually I would say he’s not lazy or low effort…. He’s a bit too laid back maybe and the same with everyone?!! I agree though - this is the making effort stage so it doesn’t bode well!

This is so helpful, I think this is where we are and my plan is to talk to him about it!

Thanks so much everyone this is so interesting. Just to clarify by gifts even a bar of chocolate that I said I liked (Cadbury’s buttons?!) would be lovely…

I would say (kindly) please stop minimising your preferences. It's not too much to ask for someone dating you to organise a date once in a while, and take you out for a meal now and then. The frequency can be variable in different couples depending on finances but the concept itself is not an outrageous demand.

You are still in the very early stages of dating, he should be planning things for you to do as a couple. They do not have to be expensive.

I'd stop the small gifts / gesture gifts immediately.

I'd also suggest you are really confident about your expectations in your own mind. You like to go out - on actual outings - you like meals out - you like "date nights" and there is nothing wrong with that. You like a partner who makes the effort to plan things.

Nothing wrong with any of those things.

When / if the topic comes up with him you should be confident enough to make your expectations known. You don't need to be demanding but you need to be clear in your own head what your expectations are, so that when it's time to talk to him you can let him know clearly and politely.

I'd start with the thing around making plans once in a while. And also ask what his expectations are.

As some upthread asked - how have you been seeing each other before? Your place? His place? Do you take turns cooking / buying food? How has it been working so far?

Have you communicated your expectations @roastednuts123 ? I have found over the years that people are really bad mind-readers and me hoping for stuff isn't ever going to bring about the actions that I'd like to see.

If you like small gestures, then you need to say that. You need to say that you really appreciate a small thoughtful gift. If he tries to meet that request, then that's a good sign. If he dismisses it or ignores it or never acts on it, then that is a bad sign.

Have you asked him to plan anything or arrange anything? Again, if he listens to you and then takes action - that's a good thing.

If you don't say this stuff now, then he will never know and you will just simmer with unmet expectations!

It is also a really good test of someone's intentions towards you and the relationship to see if they can actually step up and meet a request. Do it now, while it is still easy to exit!

Thanks so much. Sorry I haven’t answered all the questions. We have done dates so first few were drinks out, we’ve done walks and cinema. Then my house/his house and he’s cooked dinner for me a few times. I think the most worrying thing is the attitudes to spending really. Sometimes I will want a nice coffee from a proper coffee shop and I think he’d be happy with a McDonalds. (I also like McDonalds lattes but if we’re out together on a lovely afternoon somewhere nicer or independent would be a nice thing to do).
As many have guessed nope none of this has been discussed yet. I need to do that gently though because I don’t want to either sound like a snob, or put him down for his spending choices…
thanks again this is all great food for thought!

The coffee thing was an example of course!