New relationship expectations re meals out/treats

[roastednuts123]

Been seeing someone about 4 months. He’s a really lovely chap and we get on well. Seems to really like me too. I feel lucky to have met someone so nice after a miserable marriage. However recently I keep thinking about the differences - these are relatively unimportant things I know, but keen to know what others think. There’s been no gifts or gestures (I’ve given him some small gifts for particular reasons) and the only meals out have been on me (his birthday). Financially he has more commitments than me but does have a decent job as do I, and so I take that into account but I’m worried that I’m wasting time as clearly the fact I'm thinking about this means it’s important to me. I guess the other thing is my ex-DH was very generous and loves meals out and spent quite frivolously… I don’t want that, but a little treat now and then would be lovely (as I have done for him). I realise reading this back it makes me sound shallow and I know it’s not important, I don’t want flowers or extravagant gifts but a tiny ‘I was thinking of you’ gesture would be lovely. Also it’s me that seems to plan most stuff too as he doesn’t seem too bothered about doing that! Just don’t want to waste time in my 50s if this isn’t right for me (and know only I can decide that!).

Real life examples from me then:

A curly wurly because we’d been talking about them and how we were sure they had shrunk since we were kids and she saw them so thought of me and grabbed one. Ps they have

A stone off the beach on a dog walk

A card with a particular animal on that we’d seen togther , with a nice message inside.

A bottle of prosecco brought round after I had a little success at work

No one will be a "perfect" match of your exact requirements. Only you can decide whether compromises (in terms of not getting "treats") is worth all other positive aspects of your relationship. It always has to be a balance of ALL aspects as there will always be some things you're not happy with in any relationship. If not getting "treats" is a big issue for you, then it sounds as if you're not compatible.

Thanks, no the not getting ‘treats’ or thoughtful gestures is not an issue on its own. It’s coupled with the wider ‘quality’ lifestyle stuff like coffee shops v McDonald’s etc. I can cope with it now, but going into my 60s and beyond I’m not sure that’s really what I want. Seen it with my parents and the frustration there for my Mum.

Lovely little gestures!

No to be fair we take it in turns.

He is low effort OP. And so far you’ve been perfect for him because you keep quiet, allow the cheapness and do all the planning.

I love a little gesture, eg my favourite chocolate bar when they know I’ve had a bad day. I have one in the cupboard probably but that’s not the point. I also like cards but I wasn’t getting either from a boyfriend. I told this to my friend and she said sometimes men need training. Now the way she phrased it may offend some, but basically if you don’t show someone what you like & then thank/praise them, then how can they know as each of us is different. What one woman values is very different to the next. It has worked for me.

Re going to nicer restaurants/coffee shops - again you could suggest it but it sounds like he’s more cautious with money as he still has a ‘child’ to fund where you don’t. That does sound understandable to me to a certain extent. An occasional ‘nicer’ restaurant for a special occasion could be a good compromise.

Relationships need some compromises as surely no one is ever a perfect match so if nothing changes after discussion then you have to decide if it’s a deal breaker.

I value people who have a thermos and tea pot in their car.
The biggest way to cut spending is to not buy lunch and coffees every day.
They are things you never miss.

Unless out on a special dinner date, I buy coffee from service station machines.

Maybe your boyfriend would appreciate making a packed picnic and a thermos of home brewed coffee.

He doesn't waste money on coffees and small treats.

From him I would expect thoughtful gestures, generous time spent on activities with me, physical affection and respectful listening and sharing thoughts and feelings.

I completely understand what you mean and YANBU.

It’s about small joys, isn’t it? Going to a restaurant and having food brought to you and trying something new instead of cooking at home. Popping into a cafe where you can sit in comfort in nice surroundings for half an hour rather than having a drink in a paper cup in fast food chain. Having someone say “It’s a nice day, let’s go for a drive out to [somewhere nice] this afternoon” and then having a spontaneous pub lunch there. Or “Oh, there’s a review here of an exhibition at a museum / gallery that’s on at the moment, shall we go?”

Back in the 1950’s you’d have a point though we’ve moved on get some self respect and pay your own way

OPs is obviously a little gift person and he isn’t we’re all different
Nether are right or wrong there incompatible like different things

I know what you mean, sth as simple as a mini love hearts pack just to show affection. Could be too early for him or he's just not that way inclined.

As to extravagance to meals, being a bit frugalent isn't negative with prices now.

I admire your perspective. I hope you stay comforted in your relationship, and he makes you feel good and comforted.

This is not the man for you...don't waste time by lingering about.

Have you tried doing a love language quiz? Giving / receiving gifts is one of the 5 and sounds like it’s important to you but his language maybe very different so understanding each others preferences for showing care / love might help.

Does he prefer McDonalds coffee to one from a coffee shop because he is necessarily watching the pennies, or is it because he's tight fisted?

Does he treat you with kindness ? How does he react when you say no to him> Does he show you he was thinking of you in other ways? If so, he could be a good-un who just needs to know what is important to you.

Or does he prefer McDonald's coffee?? Personally, I'd far rather have a tea/coffee from a Greggs or McDonalds because I just don't like it from Costa/Starbucks etc. Never really been into "posh" coffees nor those with all the different additions you can get. I just drink basic "black" coffee without sugar, so not interested in what kind of cream/milk they put into it, nor syrups or sweetenings etc. Basic black coffee from the likes of Costa is awful. Nothing to do with money or being tight.

But the bigger problem seems to be that the OP doesn't seem to be able to actually talk to the partner about these matters.

my first thought is hes getting sex at home with you OP, so feels he doesn’t need to make effort/spend cash outwith.…

I find this very odd indeed, and very materialistic and grabby, so you’ve been with this guy 4 months, 16 weeks and you’re whinging he doesn’t buy you presents and take you out for meals.

if you want to do these things suggest them and do them, but expecting someone you’ve been with weeks to give you presents is bloody odd.

Does it need to be physical gifts? My DH is terrible with presents but still does lovely things like fixes things of mine that are broken ( without asking) or gets useful gadgets unprompted.

I am all for 50/50. I did buy the very first dinner DH and I had which was our first actual date because I had lost a bet with him on the Welsh referendum, we were friends before we dated so it was a called in bet.

What everyone should want are small acts that show affection, tea in bed is my number one desire always, fuck everything else.

When my lovely brother started dating some years after his divorce, he was in his early 50s and didn't have much spare money. His ex wife had taken him to the cleaners and his teenage kids were living with him full time.

He didn't have money for fancy meals or weekends away. He was looking for someone who liked to hike, enjoyed a pint and one of his home-cooked curries.

My brother and his partner have been together 10 years now, are very happy and, in recent years with the kids grown-up, are able to eat out and travel and go to gigs. He's debt free with a good pension to look forward to as well!

Just talk to the guy, OP. Neither of you are in the wrong but the assumptions made by some on here about men who are careful with money can be a bit off.