New relationship expectations re meals out/treats

[roastednuts123]

Been seeing someone about 4 months. He’s a really lovely chap and we get on well. Seems to really like me too. I feel lucky to have met someone so nice after a miserable marriage. However recently I keep thinking about the differences - these are relatively unimportant things I know, but keen to know what others think. There’s been no gifts or gestures (I’ve given him some small gifts for particular reasons) and the only meals out have been on me (his birthday). Financially he has more commitments than me but does have a decent job as do I, and so I take that into account but I’m worried that I’m wasting time as clearly the fact I'm thinking about this means it’s important to me. I guess the other thing is my ex-DH was very generous and loves meals out and spent quite frivolously… I don’t want that, but a little treat now and then would be lovely (as I have done for him). I realise reading this back it makes me sound shallow and I know it’s not important, I don’t want flowers or extravagant gifts but a tiny ‘I was thinking of you’ gesture would be lovely. Also it’s me that seems to plan most stuff too as he doesn’t seem too bothered about doing that! Just don’t want to waste time in my 50s if this isn’t right for me (and know only I can decide that!).

My dh would never think of find gestures such as flowers , it’s not in his dna. However, in early stages of a relationship, he should want to go on dates, rather than settle for meals cooked at home. Have you fallen into old married life already, instead of romance?

For me it’s the thoughtfulness. Knowing that someone thought of me when they were in a second hand bookshop and bought me a book I had mentioned or they thought I might like. A bar of my favourite chocolate. A random bunch of flowers.

It isn’t about the money as such.

It’s a tough one as it’s only been 4 months.
Equally, if he was love bombing you with expensive gifts that would also be concerning.
I got the cutest little things off my partner in the first few months and then absolutely nothing for two years and then after an explosion from me (I was hormonal), I’ve received a camera I’ve always wanted but didn’t realise I’d told him about, a laptop and a dream kitchen appliance in the space of a year 😂 he isn’t great with flowers (still) but will bring home a treat or my favourite drink.

After a few bad relationships, I’d prioritised someone who can make me laugh, somebody who was kind to strangers, somebody who would back me if I wasn’t in the room. He did all of those, the rest slowly came as our relationship deepened.

Think about what your priorities are, does he meet them? Will the rest come with time? Then you’ll have your answer I think.

My DP is not romantic at all. He thinks about me all the time and is kind, but not really thoughtful. He doesn’t think on, doesn’t do flowers or little gift it’s just not him. I love him a lot but I really do miss being dated. Sounds like you want to be dated, op, and as you should at 4 months in.

Love this. I do honestly think he cares about me a lot, so I need to think about what’s important to me!

The coffee thing was an example, sure, but what’s he actually doing if you say you want a nice coffee? Is he saying no? Sighing and complaining? What? Why can’t you just go and spend money on what you want? So what if (you think) he’d prefer a McDonald‘s latte?

Your priority list is spot on. Also what you say about it only being 4 months… when I think about it I wouldn’t want any expensive gifts because it’s too early for that.

I think saying I was concerned about lack of gifts was a mistake… it’s the dating really - meals out and trips away (day trips even). That’s what I feel is lacking. And more importantly a worry about attitudes to money and lifestyle choices.

He’s suggesting places and I’m not saying ‘I’d prefer to go to xx place down the road’ because I know it’s more expensive and I don’t want to cause any embarrassment (even though I’d happily pay). So no he’s not sighing or anything like that, but he has said that spending money on stuff like that is not a thing he does.

your coffee example is key I think. Bluntly, you are not compatible. Me and my partner love sitting in a coffee shop. Imagine sitting in Maccies car park or a Spoonies bar with a latte just cos it’s cheaper

I think this sort of behaviour might be the reason he's single to be honest. Imagine being in a long term relationship with a man who never buys you a meal or a bunch of flowers - it must be very disheartening.

my rules before I got married were No home dates with men until in established relationship and I never paid on dates. So basically I only dated men who actually wanted to take me out on dates. No sofa dates or cheap dusty men.

If he’s suggesting places you need to speak up if you’d prefer somewhere else. The bloke isn’t a mind reader and somehow you’ve managed to think it would be embarrassing to raise your own preferences about where you would like to get a coffee. Cmon OP, why aren’t you letting him get to know you as a real person with your own preferences and desires? Why are you making yourself small and minimising what you want?

be yourself! Tell him what you’d like. If he walks away, he’s not right for you. Alternatively he listens and pulls his socks up

Do you have an idea of how often he’d have the disposable income for treats?
Could he do a day trip once a month? Once every 3 months? And you’ll have to compromise or is it he doesn’t see the point in “wasting” money on those things?
Discussing finances early on can be embarrassing and feel vulnerable, maybe he’s avoiding that.
Or he could have plenty of disposable income and will slowly learn these things are important to you (as they are to most people) or he could see it as wasteful and wouldn’t be compatible with you.

If you go for drinks or to the cinema, whose idea was it and who pays?

If you suggest a coffee in a coffee shop, what does he reply?

You don't need to be gentle about it, as though he is a delicate flower who can't handle your preferences, you just say I love going to a nice coffee shop or I love a good meal out. If he does cares about you, then he will want to acknowledge that these are things you like doing with your partner and would like to do with him and therefore he will try and accommodate them.

If he is genuinely too tightly stretched financially or he really doesn't enjoy such activities and doesn't want to do them, then you are not going to be a good match.

You are so right… and I need the gentle telling off so thank you!

Great advice. Ok not meant as a drip feed but the earlier financial commitment I mentioned. He has a daughter who is 18 who is a student. I have more disposable income. I think we just have different spending needs/attitudes and like many of you have said I either need to accept that and focus on his qualities, or put him back!

Gifts are important to me not in value terms but in thoughtfulness , my DH will sometimes get a drink I like as his meal deal and bring it home to me or grab a new flavour of kitkat to try - it’s pennies but shows that he’s thinking of me. Today I’ve had a pair of shoes delivered that he spotted on some trendy clothes site that was closing down and I love them

Have you read about the 5 love languages OP? Everyone has one (apparently) and that’s how you show and feel ‘love’. Gift giving is one of them - doesn’t have to be anything fancy or expensive, but it’s a little token to say ‘I saw this and thought of you’.

For others, it’s physical touch or words of affirmation. It’s worth finding out what his is and perhaps using that to explain what yours is. You can do online quizzes for it.

One thing that's changed since you would have been with your previous man is the obsession with "red flags" and "love bombing". He might just be worried that if he does this, he'll be seen as a creep, so is trying to be on the safe side.
That of course doesn't mean you should be paying for things for him, if he's not paying.

My worry would be that he isn't trying to impress you at all so early in the relationship. Surely a cosy coffee in a nice place is obviously more romantic than McDonald's! It doesn't have to be hugely expensive. A nice coffee. Go to a bakery and but a nice cake to take home to eat. If he doesn't ever want to do those things then try someone else.

i loathe maccies and can’t imagine spending money to get a coffee in there.

someone that wants to grab a coffee from there rather than a coffee shop with even a little bit on ambience is just not on the same page as me.

It sounds petty but it’s not, it’s basic compatibility.

The no home dates is a big one, especially so early on. Who wants to cook for some dude in your house and watch a movie and have sex when it's Friday night and one of your favorite musicians is doing a small venue show or there's a new place opened whose menu looks good or hop over to Queens for the best food in the city or there's a gallery show? I am fine with paying my way but someone who I was paying for most of the time, nope.

No sofa dates, perfect.

Although I am a Dunkins girlie and will die on that hill.

OP likes little tokens and there's nothing wrong with that. He sounds tight, not just about money, but those little emotional, thoughtful gestures she likes and there's probably a basic incompatibility underlying that that will show up more and more.

This is it, isn't it. I'm in a similar situation with someone I've been dating for about 3 and a half months, and the passivity/ lack of proactiveness about seeing me is just making me feel so unwanted, despite him telling me that he likes me. I'm planning on calling it quits in the next few days.

OP, what is the general vibe you are getting? Outside of the failure to plan or ever treat you (which is enough TBH) does he come across as generally enthusiastic about you?

I've also been in a long term relationship with someone extremely tight and it was a killer in the end, even on my birthday it was 'i suppose you want me to pay for this meal, don't you?'. Yet he was heartbroken apparently when I ended it... 😐

You mention about trips to cinema, drinks etc. Do you always pay for your own?

I think what you need to discover…is it just that he shows love/appreciation in a different way to you or is it because he’s tight fisted?