Can a good relationship work when you dislike your partner's family?

[MiaRosexo]

Hey everyone,

I'm just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation to me where they have a truly great partner but the partner in question comes from a terrible family (in laws, siblings)....

To be clear, the family have never actually done anything wrong to me and this is where it gets complicated as we have not yet been faced with a situation where we have had to put proper boundaries in place or have a stern word etc. My dislike for them is more about witnessed behaviour and things that inherently do not align with me as a person - I've witnessed racist abuse (towards others in the street), racist language within general conservation, tonnes of swearing and bad language in front of kids, drink driving, drug use, constant gossiping and bitching, the list goes on. In terms of the racist language, my partner has so far never challenged them on this, I suspect he is fairly avoidant and feels very awkward which does make me nervous if future boundaries ever have to be made, however he has also admitted he should have challenged and at the time was shocked/embarrassed.

My main concern is planning a future and bringing children into this family, of course I can do my best to keep a distance however I feel as though that will come with constant anxiety and it sounds exhausting.

My partner recognises that they're not the most moral of people and he does keep his distance a little, however I know he truly does love them and has said he wouldn't cut them off (not that I have asked him to, as I know that would lead to resentment).

He is truly a great man (a lot of people who know us both have commented on how different he is!) and has said for the future he would always put our own little family first, I know I should trust him on this but the overall situation just makes me really sad. I don't really want to bring children into a family where i'm constantly having to protect them from bad characters if that makes sense! However at the same time, the thought of losing him breaks my heart and a lot of people have advised me to just push through and remain distant where possible as it's not his fault.

Has anyone got any advice or similar experiences, does this usually get worse with time?

Thank you x

It is a bit of a red flag that your partner has never pulled any of his family up on their overt and vocal racism. He seems unable to stand up to them so it is very likely that any children you may have together will be in that environment which will be really damaging for them.

He has already told you that he will never cut them off, no matter what they have done.

I would be re-thinking the relationship if he can't give you any assurances about protecting you and any children you have have from the worst aspects of his family's behaviour.

I agree on the point about not pulling them up on this, I have been in two minds about taking his answer as face value when he says he was genuinely shocked and embarrassed, and wondering if it's just a cover up for the fact that he struggles to be vocal with them. I too admit I can be a bit of a coward when I witness behaviour I don't agree with, however I would always pull up my own family on this.

And I agree on the assurances - right now it's just words and until we're faced with a situation where they directly wrong us, it's quite hard to predict how that will be dealt with.

Thank you for your honesty I appreciate it :)

I have been married for 35 years. DH's family was fairly stable. Looking back his dad was probably autistic. His mother is a cow under the surface. His sisters are diametrically different to me (thankfully they live thousands of miles away).

No racism or bigotry, no drugs, swearing, heavy drinking. His parents went to work (his sisters have worked as little as possible). I am v glad my dc have never had to mix with their cousins.

It's been hard enough. Unless your DH is happy to pretty much break regular contact and accepts their unacceptability, I'd run.

Sorry.

Honestly, I would very much judge your partner for not calling them out/cutting them out of his life. If he 100% disagreed with their behaviour then he should not have them in his life. No way would I be in a relationship with this man or have his children. If he has not stood up to them by now he is not going to.

How often do you have to see them? Do they have expectations of getting together, like for a regular weekly meal? Do they pop by your place once or more per week?

I'd ask him to presently begin putting up boundaries so that you're not relying on his word of what he will do in the future. Ask him to speak up, such as if swearing goes on in front of nieces and nephews or grandkids, etc., that he say something like, "Whoa, let's use better language around the kids." And if they make racist comments, he can say something like, "I'm not comfortable hearing that." And then tell him that to teach them they will temporarily lose the pleasure of his and your company should they continue with their bad behavior, that you two should immediately leave or ask them to leave if they are in your home.

And don't let him use you as the scapegoat, such as saying that you are the one uncomfortable, removing himself as the "bad guy."

If he can't step up to the plate in setting boundaries now, I highly doubt he'll do so when you two have children. At that point, you can tell him your concerns. Bottling that up isn't being proactive. And he needs to not be blindsided if you break up. He should at least be told ahead of time what's expected from him as proof he can put into place boundaries.

He tolerates racism and racists.

The reason why doesn't matter. By tolerating it, he enables it. By enabling it, he himself is racist. This is not a matter where he can straddle the fence.

If he won’t challenge them and wants to see them, then he’s going to want your children around them. He can’t stay in contact with them but never have them around his dc. So it’s up to you if you think they’d stop acting as they do ever, or if you’re happy for future dc to be around them.
tbf i wouldn’t be toooo concerned about him not challenging them because where would it get anyone anyway at this point. I doubt all of them would suddenly change. But i would be concerned that he still seems to be around them a lot, id assume that behaviour was normalised to him and even though he doesn’t agree with it he doesn’t really get how bad it is.

can’t stand my mil, and tbh I hate dc being around her. But she’s not actually racist or aggressive or taking drugs or anything like that, she’s just a gossipy and cruel, so I can’t imagine if she was actually doing more than that.

Thank you for the honesty

Agreed, however I probably didn't make clear in my first post was he isn't around them too often/we don't see them often, I think my fear is more that that would ramp up once kids are involved. Also hugely agree that the behaviour is normalised to him even though he doesn't agree!

And I probably should have made clearer it's the siblings with drug use rather than MIL

No - we are all very much spread out geographically, there isn't much daily contact, not even weekly, I wouldn't actually consider them super close which does make me think perhaps I overthink this a little!

Yes I agree I need to witness the boundaries in action now rather than 'they will happen I promise'.

Thank you x

Thank you for the honesty x

Yes it can work. But it would depend on your partner as well .

He tolerate casual racism, swearing and drug use from his family - do you really think this will change if you have children? I think if you stay with him, you will have a lifetime of dealing with his family ahead of you.

I've witnessed racist abuse (towards others in the street), racist language within general conservation, tonnes of swearing and bad language in front of kids, drink driving, drug use, constant gossiping and bitching, the list goes on. In terms of the racist language, my partner has so far never challenged them on this

I wouldn't want to be anywhere near them and I would definitely let any future children anywhere near them. I would judge him on the fact he's never challenged them. I imagine if you two had children together he'd want them to see his relatives and vice versa times 100.

I love my family. But some members do spout ignorant, foolish or just downright racist/homophobic language from time to time. I call them out on it every single time. Especially if it’s in front of my kids.

People are complicated and I don’t think it’s right to cut people out of one’s life If they put a foot wrong, provided they are, broadly speaking, fundamentally decent. These days with the nonsense people are exposed to online you would have to live in solitary confinement if you were to hold people to such standards.

That said, your boyfriend should politely call out behaviour when he sees it. Or at least make it clear in the moment that he disagrees. So should you. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, they can have their opinions, you can have yours.

If you have children with him, are you going to be comfortable spending time with his family? Because that’s when this will become a massive issue.

How much time does he spend with his family? If left to his own devices it's just birthday texts, weddings and Christmas that's easily manageable.

If he wants to meet up with them all the time, very different.

Yes OP, it will cause problems if/when you have children. Your partner loves his family and he will want them involved in some way with your kids. And realistically he's never likely to get his soap box out in their sitting room is he. Even if he did call them out on their behaviour, do you honestly think they're suddenly going to mend their wicked ways.

You’re ultimately not going to be compatible. I’d end it now.

Didn’t mean to quote the OP, sorry - its easily done when typing quickly.

My mom used to say, "You're not just marrying a man; you're marrying his whole family."

I can only say that I didn't listen, and I've regretted it many, many times. I'm sure your partner is a better person than the rest of them, absolutely. But his family becomes your family, and one way or another, your paths will cross. Their attitudes, behaviors, and way of life will affect you in some way. That much is certain.

Think long and hard. These people will be your kids grandparents / uncles etc
Even if you keep your distance there's only so far that takes you

What a shame for your partner though. Some serious discussions with him needed so make sure you are on the same page if you decide to stay.

X

It is a huge shame, the level of guilt I feel is horrible as he is truly a good man and you can't help what family you come from! x

'Dislike' is irrelevant here. It's the fact that they are drug-using, drink-driving racists that matters, not to mention that your DP doesn't challenge any of it, ever, presumably having been warped by his upbringing by/among these people. Do you really want your children growing up in an environment where any of this is OK?

No, I really don't, I guess I've just been holding onto his words of 'I promise I would never let our future children come into harm, I know I would be very over protective of them'

Hi op.

I was the one with the awful family. My parents had addiction issues, racist had criminal records. They were not good people. The things they said and did were so normal to me. I’m not like them but I didn’t pull them up on things, because it all felt quite normal. It’s hard to explain really.

my dh was so upset to see how I’d been bought up and was proud of the way I’d got through that and how I’d become a good, caring person. He never judged me on my families mistakes. I’d had a lot of that growing up, we were the problem family. Behind the scenes we were good kids trapped in a home that was at best dysfunctional.

being around my dh family was an eye opener for me and I was gradually seeing less and less of my parents when they both died not far apart from alcoholism.

im glad my dh didn’t give up on me. He encouraged me to put boundaries in, he was kind and polite to my parents when he saw them. But he kept a distance.

I just think it would be a shame for you to lose a good man due to his family. If he’s willing to keep boundaries and most importantly to have your back and always prioritise his family, then you’ll be ok x