Can a good relationship work when you dislike your partner's family?

[MiaRosexo]

Hey everyone,

I'm just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation to me where they have a truly great partner but the partner in question comes from a terrible family (in laws, siblings)....

To be clear, the family have never actually done anything wrong to me and this is where it gets complicated as we have not yet been faced with a situation where we have had to put proper boundaries in place or have a stern word etc. My dislike for them is more about witnessed behaviour and things that inherently do not align with me as a person - I've witnessed racist abuse (towards others in the street), racist language within general conservation, tonnes of swearing and bad language in front of kids, drink driving, drug use, constant gossiping and bitching, the list goes on. In terms of the racist language, my partner has so far never challenged them on this, I suspect he is fairly avoidant and feels very awkward which does make me nervous if future boundaries ever have to be made, however he has also admitted he should have challenged and at the time was shocked/embarrassed.

My main concern is planning a future and bringing children into this family, of course I can do my best to keep a distance however I feel as though that will come with constant anxiety and it sounds exhausting.

My partner recognises that they're not the most moral of people and he does keep his distance a little, however I know he truly does love them and has said he wouldn't cut them off (not that I have asked him to, as I know that would lead to resentment).

He is truly a great man (a lot of people who know us both have commented on how different he is!) and has said for the future he would always put our own little family first, I know I should trust him on this but the overall situation just makes me really sad. I don't really want to bring children into a family where i'm constantly having to protect them from bad characters if that makes sense! However at the same time, the thought of losing him breaks my heart and a lot of people have advised me to just push through and remain distant where possible as it's not his fault.

Has anyone got any advice or similar experiences, does this usually get worse with time?

Thank you x

Sorry I clicked YABU by accident, YANBU

This is a head not heart situation if you want kids. Also don’t take today’s set up as the benchmark, you don’t know how living arrangements etc might change in future..
say, ILS used to live far, now they have to live near.
His parents will get elderly and need help
His siblings will want their future kids to know each other, including yours
if you’re more financially stable that’s an issue
Your kids won’t understand the issues and will blame you for keeping them apart
your own family will be shocked by all this from his family, putting pressure on you
his family will want direct and unsupervised access to your future kids- you can’t be there all the time don’t kid yourself
He may have childhood- related things that he powerfully emotionally needs to do to ‘fix’ his own very bad experiences in childhood, using your future kids. This could include living near his toxic parents so they can be better grandparents than they were parents to him etc
worst case scenario if you split up with him then you’ve got half your kids’ time when you won’t know if they are with the toxic family or not.
List goes on

OP and her DCs will also be the butt of their jokes as they sneer and gossip about everyone behind their backs - so if you give any indication of distance you will be a target - but 100% you are already you just don’t know it yet.