Partner having doubts about moving in together before house completion

[Greenfinger555]

My partner and I are around two weeks from completing on our first hone together. We are both selling our homes. He has three teenagers and i have 1. He is moving to my area as it is closer to his family and we prefer it here. The closer it gets the more he doubts he is doing the right thing, as he worries about taking his children away from what they know (he has 50:50 custody). He also days things haven't been right with us for a month. Granted, it has been a busy stressful month for me, but he has been distant whilst obviously holding these thoughts. I'm in a horrible limbo now of seeing what he will choose. He expects me to be normal to prove we are fine, yet how can I be after what feels like such an betrayal? I am trying so hard but feel physically sick. The new area will be 30 minutes drive from their school (which they are staying at). Any advice would be welcome, as I feel like I'm spiralling.

What on earth made the pair of you think this was in any way a good idea to begin with?

Honestly, this is a blessing in disguise. Be thankful.

This is a blessing not even very in disguise.

Buying a house when no one has lived together is a terrible idea and you've dodged a bullet.

However his timing is baffling and that would worry me. Pull out, step back and put on your grey-coloured glasses, remove the pink ones.

He needs to do what is right for his children, and this move isn't. Sorry.

You have had good advice re pulling out of the sale but I just wanted to say that I would feel messed about by him, quite frankly. He shouldn't have let it get this far if he had any doubts at all. I don't think he has treated you very well here and I'd struggle to "just go back to normal". I don't think I'd feel the same about him really. Just how I would feel, I guess.

Thank you- I think it will be very difficult, but we will see how it goes.

Agree. Two things stand out to me. Firstly, Your daughter wasn't about this, and secondly your partner was 'pushing for it'. These sorts of things should only happen when everyone involved is equally enthusiastic about them.

My feeling this man is a coward and hiding behind his teens. Not that he shouldn't consider his teenagers feelings in this, he absolutely should. But more that he's backing out of your relationship and isn't telling you honestly.

6 teenagers and 2 adults so I'm guessing a big house with a big mortgage. That's already stressful without the other issues/doubts. You need someone who is 100% committed to this. I'd suggest postponing it or else he could resent the whole set up and you'd be disrupting your dcs and his dcs lives for nothing.

I moved 30 mins drive from my kids school and it was horrible going through traffic back and forth, that’s 2 hours commute each day for him or work from a cafe or something equally as rubbish and unsustainable. We eventually got them school places near by. Which was the plan all anlong ans they were primary transitioning to secondary. Also having friends locally for kids that go to their schools especially as teens is really important. So they can pop to friends houses after school and make their own ways home after clubs. This arrangement sounds like a nightmare for him and the kids tbh and I can see why he has cold feet.
I would pull out and continue in separate houses with a view to move in together at a much later date once kids have started to move out.

So he's realised that he wouldn't be able to live as a guest, he'd have to account for his whereabouts/make joint decisions about spending and not trot off to the cosy, clean holiday once a fortnight?

Do remember that a lot of people will be negative because they don't want you to have a good life. They prefer you lonely and miserable because it makes them feel better about their awful existence.

What are the people closest to you all saying?

If you look at the step parents board you will soon see that the lonely and miserable people are the ones who have tried blending families, especially the ones with teens.

I know plenty of blended families. More blended than not frankly. They seem just as happy and bonded as any other families. Especially those where there isnt a bitter, vindictive parent who is always trying to use the kids as a weapon. But even when there is, the kids usually muddle through and gravitate towards the better parent and heir partner as soon as they can.

Then call a halt before it's too late! Blending families isnt easy and teenagers are notoriously difficult even when life is going smoothly. I wouldn't want the upset myself.

Why would he be worried? He’s the one having cold feet?

I do think it can work if you do it when the kids are young, but trying to blend 4 teenagers, where 3 of them have had to move away from their friends and school to do so, doesn't sound particularly well thought through. They also don't seem to know each other well as the dad spends time with OP when he doesn't have the kids so OP and her DD would have had limited time with his kids.

If they can’t be honest in this group way then they definitely shouldn’t move in all together then… as they cannot function as an open and honest family together. Case closed.

Wtf?

Pull out now. This has disaster written all over it.

OP, I very much want you to have a good life and I think if either of you are having doubts, you pull out of this house sale. Currently you have your own independence and security. This is a good thing. It doesn't mean the end of your relationship necessarily. There are a lot of moving parts in this situation and he should listen to any doubts, as should you.

Pull out of the sale, take the pressure off, let some time elapse and see where you land. Good for him for saying something rather than just going along with it to keep the peace.

So sorry for you, very stressful. Maybe you and DD could do something special together to destress a little after you've broken the news about the change of plan. He could do similar his end. Might be the making of your relationship not the end.

Spot on 👏👏
OP - if you or partner are even a little unsure (clearly you are), don’t do it. You are also in a rocky patch and not married, meaning less legal protection in any finances which buying a property together complicates this. You are far better pulling out now before anything is locked in and your hands are tied. This is a significant financial outlay and commitment, step away whilst you can and focus on coming to a decision about the future with your partner without this added pressure.

What do his kids think of the move?

Why couldn’t the relationship survive it? Surely a healthy relationship is where people talk about their concerns and change plans if necessary?

Im about to be doing this, but with only one set of teens and we have been very clear, it has to be right for everybody and if it isn’t we won’t do it and just stay as we are.

Thank you so much for your advice, everyone. I've read and thought about each and every comment, and it has helped. I'm going to go and sort it all out now, so won't be adding more comments.

Pull out of the house sale. You both need to take your properties off the market too. It's far better to pull out now, than suddenly realise once you're living together in a joint home, that it's been a massive mistake.

I would suggest you continue dating, but living separately. Once both sets of children have grown up, then it might be then time to think about living together, in your own jointly owned home.

Doubts are there for a reason, and your partner's gut is telling him that the choice he's making isn't the right one.

Pull the break NOW!!!

Kindly, stop using the word betrayal and get your head straight. This is perilous territory moving in together with 4 teenagers in the mix with no practice run.

Your partner is not fully on board, or under immense pressure. and this is the issue. Protect yourself and your asset.