Partner having doubts about moving in together before house completion

[Greenfinger555]

My partner and I are around two weeks from completing on our first hone together. We are both selling our homes. He has three teenagers and i have 1. He is moving to my area as it is closer to his family and we prefer it here. The closer it gets the more he doubts he is doing the right thing, as he worries about taking his children away from what they know (he has 50:50 custody). He also days things haven't been right with us for a month. Granted, it has been a busy stressful month for me, but he has been distant whilst obviously holding these thoughts. I'm in a horrible limbo now of seeing what he will choose. He expects me to be normal to prove we are fine, yet how can I be after what feels like such an betrayal? I am trying so hard but feel physically sick. The new area will be 30 minutes drive from their school (which they are staying at). Any advice would be welcome, as I feel like I'm spiralling.

It sounds like he's had second thoughts, likely because his teens don't want to be uprooted and displaced and forced to live with another teen.

Stop the home sales, stay living in your respective homes until the kids are out.

This was not well thought out and didn't seem to consider how the kids would feel about moving and having other people in their space.

Blending families is incredibly hard and as teens, it's even less likely to work.

How long have you been together?

Yes- I don't really want to put them on the spot. I think he should talk to them about the possibility of doing this and go from there.

Thank you. Yes, I think I have been naive.

I get your point.

Four years

Don't exchange. Have a family meeting, all together. The Teens deserve a say. It may all come out and be really positive. Or it may stop you all making a huge mistake. Good luck.

Thank you for your kind advice. I think you are right.

I think it's a blessing in disguise that he has had this realisation. I have had two teens and just the thought of making them live with another man and his teens makes me shudder. They have needed me so much during their teen years and they have needed to be able to be absolutely themselves. Neither of them would have felt comfortable to cry or discuss sensitive issues in front of someone elses teens or a step parent. It really is the worst age to try and blend families.

No, he doesn't live with you, he visits.

Living together involves money, housework, how you spend all your evenings together/alone/with friends, as opposed to him knowing in advance he'll spend 3/nights with you then whatever he pleases the other 4. Living together entails far more compromises and disagreements and decisions than visiting for half the week, knowing you can fit in with the 'host' partner for a few days and deal with other stuff once you're 'home'.

I seriously think you should reconsider leaping straight into buying together without having lived together first, since you both have financial responsibilities to your respective children. Living together doesn't always work. Best to find that out before entangling the finances and costing yourself the fortune it takes to disentangle them later; and buying a house together is one huge entanglement.

Thank you. Yes- I think if it feel like this now it could feel a lot worse with all that to deal with.

When you have halted the move and things are back into a "normal " routine, some things to consider: why did you

1. disregard your daughter's feelings about the move?
2. allow yourself to be persuaded to plan to move when, from what your posts, I get the impression that you were not overly keen initially?

Are you a bit of a people pleaser @Greenfinger555 ?

Or do you feel that he's such a catch that you needed to agree to keep him?

Thank you for this insight. I see what you mean.

I don’t think it has to signal anything about your relationship in terms of it meaning it’s over. Yes, mistakes were made and it would have been better if all this could have been raised a lot sooner, but now is better than him not doing it and the move being a disaster because the DC are unhappy. Apart from the dynamics of blending your DC, you’ve presumably never lived with his teenagers either - so you’d all be jostling to find your places in the household dynamic. I think it’s for the best until you don’t have to consider all that any more.

Welp - this has bad idea all over it
And of course he was the one pushing it, it benefits him much more than you!

I think he is very worried now.

Thank you for your kind and considered advice. It makes me feel so much more resolved.

I just wanted us to live happily together. I hoped it would be good in many ways for us all. I used to be a people pleaser, but not so much since peri.

That’s it an excellent idea. Get this all out in the open and make sure they all know you want their honest views, not what they might feel under pressure to say.

hoped it would be good in many ways for us all.

Hope is not a plan.

I agree with previous poster that teens are going to be the most difficult to blend and you're talking 4. Your teen will also be outnumbered 3 to 1.

I would let the teens have their say to you and their dad, but don't agree with a group meeting. I think it will be really uncomfortable and put them on the spot about voicing any negative feelings in front of a group and what they say may be held against them. I don't think they will necessarily be honest.

Pull out of the purchase today. It's a mess but can be revisited when the kids are older. You really thought living with someone else's teens was a great idea? Read the step parent forums online.

He shouldn’t have messed you all about so much then.
I think the fact he has been so flakey would be a big sign to me not to proceed.

Thank you- I agree.

Yes- it sounds tough.

I think I'm just going to say I agree to pull out.

This is not a fairytale, this is real life. I think you need to stop the daydream and start putting your daughter first and he needs to do the same.