I think I am cooked 😮‍💨

[serenabar]

As soon as someone does a romantic gesture, I start romanticizing it and them. And now it has occupied my thoughts, but it’s so fresh and I’m trying to follow stupid dating rules. Being nonchalant, not chasing, not being too much blah blah.

Story - I have had 6 dates with a guy (over a 45-day period).

Okay, I slept with him on the second date. I know I haven’t asked for his intentions, and I know if mine are a relationship I should have waited, but I craved affection. My love language is touch. Anyway…

All those dates have been initiated by him. We don’t text between dates, only if it’s about coordinating date details.

It’s him reaching out first every time.

He cooked me dinner last time, and the setting was just so romantic, and now I started fantasizing about him 😩

The sex is sooo good as well. He is also playful and asks me questions.

I’m so shy. And he makes me even more shy.

The big thing I am overthinking is that when he asked me why I was single, I said I had been single for 2 years. When he asked why, I said because I was taking a break after my ex, and he said understandable.

And I added that then I started liking it.

(Here I just wanted to be cool 😩)

But he said something like, “so it’s casual hookups for you?”

I didn’t say anything.

Now I overthink if he thought that’s all I wanted.

Now I have been craving to talk to him/to see him, and I’m dying to text him.

But I saw him last 5 days ago, and our last texts were 3 days ago.

It was me reaching out for the very first time. It was short, just a joke between us.

Now what I advised myself is to wait until he reaches out again, but it’s all I have been thinking about

Life's too short! Just text him! You'll find out soon enough x

Text him!! Stop playing games and grab this opportunity, he sounds lovely.

Thank you! I think I will text him tomorrow.

Should I just ask directly when I’m seeing him next, or should I be more easygoing lol?

Just ask him if he's free on 'x' night or 'x' night to do see/go/do 'x'

Good luck ♥️

Forgot those silly dating rules.

What you have now, from what you describe, is a hook-up arrangement. Him asking the question was a ‘test’.

I think you need to let him know if you want more, and you need to stop letting him lead on everything - step up and ask him for a date, and tell him if you want more!! Be brave xx If you don’t he’ll just let it carry on as is

Sounds like a keeper! Sensitive to your requirements, not pushy, letting you come to him at your own pace. Emotionally intelligent men don't bombard women with contact when dating. Follow your heart. I bet he will be delighted to hear from you. Best of luck 🙏

I asked him to hang out. I picked the day, and he picked the time.

I was playful, he was more reserved. 😅

Yay! ♥️

Amazing! x

My feeling is if he wanted more than casual he might have ended it when he found out it’s what you wanted. Not necessarily of course.

I would just say “So John you know I actually really enjoy your company. I didn’t mean to give you the impression last time that I wasn’t open to more than casual. I’d like to see where this goes. It’s been a while since I’ve enjoyed spending time with someone as much. But what do you think?”

Maybe I should just ask him what he’s looking for. I realised that when he asked me, I never actually asked him back. 😅

Well that’s it exactly. But if you don’t tell him something more is a possibility first then of course he’s just going to tell you he’s happy to just hook up.

I guess it’s striking that balance between not freaking them out and still being clear about what you want.

It’s silly we should have to tip toe around someone we are already sleeping with about what we want from them but I guess it’s still early days.

I'm glad you asked him to hang out, but you need to start making equal effort, as it's mostly been one-sided. You should treat him by paying sometimes as I'm assuming you earn a living as well and it's not fair for him to pay all the time. And you can also see if he enjoys your company outside of your homes, when you won't be intimate.

I'm sensing some lack of self-esteem on your part. Try to work on that, and have standards. By this time, it's a good time to have the discussion to see if you share the same dating goals. I did that when I was dating. I'd say something like: So what's your dating style? Are you into multi-dating, or do you like to concentrate on one person to see how it goes?

Listen to his answer, and if more info is needed, say, "Is your goal short term, or is it long term if everything goes well?"

Then you can tell him your dating goals. If you two don't match, then you might as well exit now. Never base your answers on how you believe you will be perceived. Say what you feel. If I guy walks away when you're being true to yourself, he's not the right person for you anyway. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Love languages are pseudo science so don't worry about them.

Stop playing stupid games OP. Men are still people with feelings and he probably doesn't have a clue how to deal with you.

I also didn’t want to pressure him because he ended a relationship 3 months ago. I don’t know, it just feels very early to me…

I would just go with the flow now 😁 Enjoy your date and arrange the next one! x

So this man has cooked for you in a great setting, asked intelligent questions and not been pushy, Unless the great sex was pressurised?
Just go with it, he seems respectful of you, why start putting up shutters so early.
His last relationship might have run its course months before & both parties might have just carried on for the sake of it, who knows?
I understand it's good to have your senses aware of potential problems, but don't let that be the only thing you carry with you!

Pressure him? Too bad if he was mistaken if he thought you were on the same page and you're not. For one thing, don't put a new man's needs above your own. Just finding out his dating style is something you should know. Because you can't make assumptions. What if he was okay having sex with you Friday night and then because there's been no discussion, he finds it okay to have sex with a different woman Saturday night.

There doesn't need to be some serious discussions about where he sees this going. The point is that if you want to be sexually exclusive while seeing if things go well or not without the distraction of multi-dating, then voice how you want things to go.

Most people like confidence in others, whereas that person doesn't deal with BS and has standards. When I did OLD, I was totally okay with people multi-dating up to the point where making out and making love was coming in to play. It was my style, at that point, to concentrate on one person. When I spoke to the guy, if he had a different style I wasn't comfortable with, I let him go, no matter how cute and nice he was.

Get real with what you want and don't stuff your own wants just to satisfy what the guy wants if his views differ.

Just tell him that meeting him has changed your mind. Men love to think they’ve tamed you.

Men are generally not good mind readers, i’d just enjoy dating for now but at some point you might have to be a bit more direct or he might think you’re not that interested.

Oh they love it but they’ll also drop you for it.

But if they do you’ve dodged a bullet.

We had our date and now I’m not really sure how I feel.

I think I need more affection after sex, and there just isn’t any. He gets sleepy straight after 😫 so I end up wondering if he actually wants anything more than sex. I still didn’t ask him what he’s looking for because I just couldn’t do it in person.

But then again… he did make me the dessert I’d jokingly asked him to make on our previous date 🤭 so I can’t say there’s no effort. We also talked a lot more about him this time, which was nice, because before it was mostly him asking me questions.

So now I’m just confused. There are things that make me think he does care, but then I leave feeling a bit sad because I wanted a bit more closeness afterwards.

What would you do next? Just go with the flow and see if he reaches out? Ask him out? Or finally ask him what he’s actually looking for?

Some people just aren’t affectionate, some might say they are a bit cold, i’m living with exactly that and have been for years, it’s a very difficult situation if you use affection as a way to gain validation, i need to feel wanted if that makes sense and it hurts when you don’t get that from a relationship

It’s the little hand hold, the touch on the small of your back, the quick hug, if you’re lucky enough to be having sex it’s the closeness afterwards, it’s the little things that make the biggest impact. I feel your pain i really do but i don’t think it’s something you can teach or learn, if you’re cold, you’re cold and any form of temporary effort will just seem fake and you’ll probably feel worse for it.

Is he tactile with you in the morning?

That may come in time @serenabar - it's early days x

Don't ditch him because he's sleepy after sex.