I think I am cooked 😮‍💨

[serenabar]

As soon as someone does a romantic gesture, I start romanticizing it and them. And now it has occupied my thoughts, but it’s so fresh and I’m trying to follow stupid dating rules. Being nonchalant, not chasing, not being too much blah blah.

Story - I have had 6 dates with a guy (over a 45-day period).

Okay, I slept with him on the second date. I know I haven’t asked for his intentions, and I know if mine are a relationship I should have waited, but I craved affection. My love language is touch. Anyway…

All those dates have been initiated by him. We don’t text between dates, only if it’s about coordinating date details.

It’s him reaching out first every time.

He cooked me dinner last time, and the setting was just so romantic, and now I started fantasizing about him 😩

The sex is sooo good as well. He is also playful and asks me questions.

I’m so shy. And he makes me even more shy.

The big thing I am overthinking is that when he asked me why I was single, I said I had been single for 2 years. When he asked why, I said because I was taking a break after my ex, and he said understandable.

And I added that then I started liking it.

(Here I just wanted to be cool 😩)

But he said something like, “so it’s casual hookups for you?”

I didn’t say anything.

Now I overthink if he thought that’s all I wanted.

Now I have been craving to talk to him/to see him, and I’m dying to text him.

But I saw him last 5 days ago, and our last texts were 3 days ago.

It was me reaching out for the very first time. It was short, just a joke between us.

Now what I advised myself is to wait until he reaches out again, but it’s all I have been thinking about

But do you just want casual hook-ups? You haven’t told him you don’t, so he probably still thinks you do.

You need to think it through, see what you really want. If it’s not hook-ups, tell him you’re open to another long-term relationship and, as you’re enjoying your time with him, you’d like to continue and see where it goes (or whatever you really want). It’s silly to leave him thinking you’ve told him you don’t want anything serious (if you really do).

Don't ditch him because he's sleepy after sex

No. That is hardly unusual in men. They all seem to do it.

I didn’t stay the night, but I gave him a hug before I left. He hugged me back nicely and did this little “mmmmm” while hugging me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The previous time I stayed over, I woke up before he did, so I just gave him a hug and left.

But during the night there isn’t really any cuddling or anything like that. I think I just need a few more little signs of affection, even something as simple as a bit of texting between dates.

Maybe that’s also why I haven’t asked him what he’s looking for yet. I think I’m waiting for a few more signs from him first before making myself that vulnerable

The problem is, if you are both 'playing it cool' it might stay 'cool'.

Bite the bullet and go for it!

You can text him between dates? Actions speak louder than words. ♥️

You can't blame him for what is normal in men: Prolactin: Ejaculation triggers a large release of prolactin, a hormone linked to sexual satisfaction and deep tiredness.
Oxytocin and Vasopressin: These hormones lower stress and bring on a strong sense of peace and relaxation.
Endorphins: Acting like natural painkillers, endorphins flood the system during orgasm and create a heavy, sleepy feeling.

How about trying to do some dates where it doesn't wind up in the bedroom. See if he is affectionate and if you can enjoy each others company without a day's goal of intimacy. Usually a guy wanting long-term values that as well. But of course, words in combination with action is essential. Strange how you can be intimate yet not be comfortable in person to have that essential discussion. Being vulnerable is hard but you just have to suck it up and be strong. Using a phone for texting or calling those questions will be cowardly plus you won't be able to properly gauge his tone in texts, and if it were a phone call, you can't read his facial expression or body language.

Be aware you might be coming up with excuses to pull the plug before he can do so, since it's so painful to think of that happening. Try to work on resiliency if you think that might be the case. Reframe it as that it's wise to see if a man shares your dating and life goals early so that you're not wasting your precious time.

Just be honest and true to yourself. I don't tolerate game-playing; there are enough oddities out there, so just be straightforward and consistent

Actions speak volumes. But no one can read minds. If you like hugs, then hug him.

He’s looking for sex op and he’s getting it. If he wanted more you would already know! Stop chasing him so he can use you for sex!

Cooked? Isn’t that Gen Z speak? You might be cooked, or the situationship might end up cooking. You made him think it was super casual, let him know it isn’t and he might be chill. 👍

Small update from yesterday

I reached out. We had a nice chat, and at one point I even thought he was flirting a little.

Then I let my guard down just a tiny bit. Nothing huge, just enough to show that I appreciated him. He read it, and then nothing.

I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve seen this movie before.

I’ve dated breadcrumbers before, and weirdly, they never disappeared completely. They always came back with just enough attention to keep me around.

He doesn’t feel like that type, though.

He might be the type who simply disappears once he senses the other person is more invested

I really hope I’m wrong, but today I just have this awful feeling that there won’t be a next chapter.

Go with the flow x Give it a bit of time and have fun!

i think you need to be direct. Maybe go back in time and answer that question he posed re: hook ups and find out his thoughts. just send a text and then wait 🤯 knowing is better than the constant rumination.

you’re doing well letting your guard down. the more you do it, the easier it will become.

i think around about the 8 week mark it’s natural to decide : is this going to evolve or end?

I suggest never having important discussions over text. Better to be in person to see a person's facial expression, body language, and hear their verbal tone.

I agree that you should be clarifying what it is you want. If he wanted long term and thought you wanted casual, his enthusiasm would wane and he'd be reconsidering.

In the future, maybe hold off on being intimate until you get the answers you require and to see if a guy's words that he wants long term match his actions. A guy who wants long term will be patient about intimacy and will be wanting to know all about you until then.

Why does he make you more shy? That's not a very good start to any relationship. When people connect you'd hope they come out of their shell. Not saying things they don't mean and shrink backwards?

Hmmm I think I should stay away for now because he left a vulnerable message on seen and didn’t even heart it like he normally does 😅

Maybe he just needs some space. I really don’t want to overwhelm him, although I’m definitely overthinking and honestly I would love to be soothed lol.

But if he is pulling away because he thinks I want something casual, then staying quiet won’t fix that misunderstanding.

The problem is I have no idea what is actually happening in his head, and these two possibilities would need completely different approaches.

I also don’t know how much time I should give him to reach out, especially because I initiated the last date and the last conversation.

BillieWiper,
It’s more like feeling giddy and excited 😅

Ahhh - yeah def wait for him to reply to that then. I think whatever way it goes you should be proud you did that.

He actually texted me today. We chatted a bit and then he suggested we see each other.

I said I wanted to see him too, but I suggested maybe we could go for a walk first.

He replied: “Walks are outside of what I’m offering. If you want, come over at 9.”

And now I’m kind of thinking, is this my answer?
Like maybe he is mainly looking for something physical.

Yeah, he just wants a shag.

I’m very sorry that you received this response from him. He’s basically confirmed he’s only looking for hook ups.

But see what has happened here - you have your answer. No more ambiguity. You know where you stand. And you achieved this by being vulnerable and sending those messages.

I know it’s hard to not take something like this personally as I’ve been on the receiving end of similar. Personally, I’d choose silence and not respond to this and let it close.

What they said. He is not sure if you just want casual hookups or a relationship. Tell him.

What was the vulnerable message you sent him op and what was his reply?

I'd just reply
"so what are you offering?"

It's simple, to the point, not fade to face so he can think about it and then you'll know where you stand

Ask him what he is offering

you need to center yourself in these decisions op. He seems to just want a shag but also you never said no when he asked you if you just wanted hook ups for fear of saying the wrong thing or displeasing him. Stop centering his wants and feelings, honestly reading this thread is exhausting you seem to be contorting yourself around every message he sends.

tell him you like him and want more than just hook ups. If he’d prefer something casual that’s fine, then you know he’s not the one for you.

People are attracted to others who value and know themselves OP. Only arseholes try to exploit other’s insecurities and shyness. Be honest with him, that’s how you will find a true connection anyway.

Guys those are some good advices but I already replied beforehand 🫣

I know I might end up hurt, but I said I wanted to see him. 🥲

I did have some doubts too if this is all he has to offer, but he just got back from a trip and needed to “recover” today, so I was thinking maybe this was also part of the context and why a walk wasn’t really what he had in mind.

I know there is a chance he might never want to do that with me, not just today, and maybe I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt.

My friend suggested that I ask him out for drinks next week and see what happens.

The vulnerable text I was talking about was that I told him I appreciate him and the little things he did. I said I felt a tiny bit spoiled by him and he didn’t reply or even react to it. Then today he reached out first, two days later.

@serenabarI think your interpretation is overly generous. From what you’ve said he thought you wanted a bit of fun and is now drawing lines as soon as you show an ounce of vulnerability.

I’d have told him to jog on after that last text, else I fear you’ll forever be accepting breadcrumbs from this man.

A walk is outside of what he is offering?

Fucking hell.

When someone tells you who they are, listen.

You deserve better.