Would these comments and behaviours be reasonable deal breakers in dating?

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I've was dating someone for a few months (met on Hinge, mid 40s)and am reflecting on my standards and self-esteem in the wake of it ending. Which, if any, would be deal breakers or have caused you serious concern?

-made a few silly sexual jokes whilst messaging, before we met eg..I asked him if he played a musical instrument and he made a joke about wanking
-first date in a coffee shop, I removed a long sleeved top as was too warm (had another top on underneath obvs) and he went "wahaaayyy" as if I was stripping
-made a joke about all women having a base level of psycho
-referred to disabled people as "Scopey"
-met a colleague of min at a works do and told me she was "rough" and this is why he doesn't date women from her area
-despite the fact he is on amicable terms with his ex wife, told me laughingly, when she asked for a divorce, that he had called her a "fat old witch" and threatened to take her pension
-told me inappropriate details about his ex including that she was restricted in sexual positions she could do due to bad hip and that she could orgasm immediately from anal sex (he told me this whilst we were in bed by way of praising my comparative flexibility)
-said "You look lovely in your dress; my ex wife never wore them because of her body type"
-met an acquaintance of mine and said "You're naturally beautiful, not like women like that who plaster on the make up"
-when I was trying to encourage him to get o know me better and asked if there was anything he wanted to know about me (cause I had tried to ask him lots about himself) he said "What is the smallest penis out there have encountered?
-told me, in bed, that he had yet to encounter a smelly vagina
-told me he had dumped a woman as her pubic hair was too long (after avoiding having sex with her for weeks)
-shortly after we began a sexual relationship, told me he thought genitals in general were gross and then was annoyed with me when I went a bit quiet and distant for a few minutes after he said that
-first time we had sex, he seemed clueless despite being married before and many relationships. He kissed me for a while and I was expecting some foreplay (I know I could have initiated this but I had lead on taking him up to my bedroom and removing clothes so didn't want to lead ointment everything). Without so much as touching me intimately, he entered me without a condom. He stopped as soon as I told him to and was visibly upset and said he thought I had wanted it as we were naked and he was laying on top of me. He was genuinely upset and I ended up comforting him!
-I disclosed to him that I had been sexually assaulted in a previous relationship. Despite this, he sent me a GIF that appeared to be of a woman being assaulted, face down on the floor and crying..looked like really rough porn but you could only see her face.
-he had some very laddish mates and he said he didn't judge them for sleeping with prostitutes although it was not something he would do. Told me they had all been giggling in the pub about some story about a woman with a massive anus.
-in a weird coincidence, a mate of his turned up at my house to collect something I had listed on marketplace. He arrived 15 minutes earlier that agreed and ex and I were in bed. When ex realised who it was, he got dressed and said hi his mate. he later told me that the incident had been the subject of joking on their group WhatsApp, with one them writing "He was just pulling out of her as he arrived!"

I felt unsettled with him lot. Would the above reasonably explain that? I have very poor self esteem and anxious attachment style and I am trying to work out if there were reasons outside of that which would make others feel insecure in this dynamic. He was affectionate, attractive, a good dad, good to his mum, a professional, kind to animals, funny, lots of friends and very keen on me. He would send gushing messages and romantic songs and GIFs a lot. He seemed quite future -focused with wanting to progress the relationship quickly. He made me feel very chosen. He was not the type to ask me things about how many men I had slept and liked natural-looking women. So there were lots of good things about him too.

Yuk

I stopped reading way before the end.

Do you really need to ask?

He sounds revolting.

God, he sounds vile and totally disrespectful. I’d bin him.

This is just … horrible.

I couldnt read to the end

he woildnt be my type. Emotionally and intellectually immature

and a bit thick

Oh OP! The silly sexual jokes in messages before you even met would have been the dealbreaker for me. He sounds absolutely awful. Please don’t date anyone else until you’ve learned how to raise your bar way, way higher.

JFC.... Any man who mentioned wanking in the initial messaging would not be getting a date with me. You need to start your screening at the messaging and be absolutely ruthless. Have a look at this:https://www.jennieyoung.com/frequently-asked-questions

I do agree with this (dunno about the murderer part mind you). He’s a wrong’un but you can’t see it. Might be safer to swerve dating for a while.

“It sounds bad”

Yes, it sounds bad because it absolutely is fucking bad. This man seriously needs locking up.

OP, I have a really, REALLY dark sense of humour. Like, really dark. And trust me when I say that ‘dark humour’ is NOT what he was doing. What he was doing was deliberate, calculated abuse in the most misogynistic way possible. He wanted to hurt you. He wasn’t joking.

It would have been abusive to send it even if you didn’t have any experience of sexual assault.

When he was annoyed at her he sent her a photo of what looked like a woman being sexually assaulted. Also, knowing that she had been sexually assaulted.

That’s EXACTLY the sort of man who murders women.

• punishes perceived slights
• shares rape content
• comtemptious of women in general
• uses your vulnerabilities against you
• ism’t remotely sorry about any of it

Every single one. I’d never have met him in the first place if he’d started with the jokes even before we’d met (and not again if after). He’s disgusting.

@BauhausOfEliott I agree that he was being deliberately mean since he had been annoyed with me as I was feeling unsettled and insecure in the dynamic. As to whether his brain joined the dots and he recalled my SA disclosure when he sent that GIF…. I‘m not sure. He displayed several incidences of being emotionally tone deaf whilst I was with him and even mentioned that he had made some insensitive comment to a friend’s wife and she was “in bits” and he had to apologise.

To the posters concerned that he is dangerous..I truly don’t think he is. He presented as mostly affable, even a bit camp at times. He did lose his temper with me twice but that seemed to be more about his fragile ego than outright aggression. He was never physically violent but he did seem to get overwhelmed and raised his voice at me when I was naked in bed. He is a very big man and it did feel intimidating. He quickly calmed himself down in that situation. He has a very responsible job and would lose his career if there were any reports of violence and I really, really don’t think he is that type. His own father was violent so he is very against it. I guess that makes it even more shocking that he sent me that GIf .

But what's funny about a rape gif? A gif of another woman in pain and distress?

What's funny about sending it to a girlfriend?
What's funny about sending it to someone who's been SAd?
What's funny about sending it to a woman at all?

It's just nasty and can easily be seen as a threat, not ho ho so hilarious.

It's not being "tone deaf" or "dark humour", it's vile. It speaks to his character and says nothing good.

If you agree he was being deliberately mean why are you still with him? Why is that ok with you?

He is dangerous. He is definitely dangerous whether you understand that or not. But why is that long list of vile behaviour and his obvious dislike of women (which does btw relate to him being dangerous) not enough for you?

You have created a thread and shared information about him because you know it isn't right. Why?

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt....

How the fuck did he even make it to your bed? Your standards are on the floor.

I’m not still with him. My OP states that. I’m reflecting because I want to learn. He seemed much better than previous men I have dated and he was very sweet and romantic in many ways. Obviously I overlooked a lot .

It’s just an inappropriate joke for a middle aged man to make to a woman he os trying to impress

. More like something from the Inbetweeners

it just shows low intelligence for me

My profuse apologies. I am so sorry ❤️🫂

He did lose his temper with me twice but that seemed to be more about his fragile ego than outright aggression. He was never physically violent but he did seem to get overwhelmed and raised his voice at me when I was naked in bed. He is a very big man and it did feel intimidating.
This is really concerning. Why would a normal well-balanced man get 'angry' and 'overwhelmed' when you were naked and in bed? Can you not see how strange this is?
This sounds like a man who really hates women and their bodies. He sounds actively dangerous. (And please dont tell me he's a police officer... 😕)

Haven’t RTFT but interested to know why you think he’s unlikely to be dangerous just because he has a “responsible job”. We know of so many doctors, teachers and police officers who are literal murderers and paedophiles, and these are just the ones that made the news. Someone’s job does not indicate that they’re not an abuser.

He sounds fantastic....marry him!

Seriously op....he actually sounds horrendous...I'm surprised you need to ask

Some people deliberately go into those sort of professional, authority-figure type of jobs to exploit the position.

He is dangerous. Having a ‘professional job’ doesn’t mean someone isn’t dangerous. Men with ‘professional’ jobs can still be dangerous. Doctors, teachers, police officers etc can still be abusive.

And do you not understand that a man doesn’t have to be physically violent to be dangerous?

As I said, it’s irrelevant whether he ‘joined the dots’ about your previous SA. Sending any woman a gif of another woman being raped is a repellent and threatening thing to do. It wouldn’t even occur to a decent man to do that. Ever. It’s not normal behaviour. It’s just not.

It wasn’t ’emotionally tone deaf’ - he wasn’t being inadvertently tactless or thoughtless. He deliberately sent you a clip of a woman being raped and crying in pain. That isn’t something people do without knowing exactly what they’re doing.

Why are you defending him?

‘Reflecting’ sounds an awful lot like ‘I’m still wondering if I could have fixed him’ to me.

That is the thing you need to work on. It’s ok to dump on the first red flag. It’s ok to dump on even the merest suggestion that a red flag is about to be unfurled!

Remember, the person who abused you was probably sweet and romantic in many ways, at first. That’s why you ended up with him, you’re not a stupid person - he hooked you in.

Have you ever heard of the Freedom Programme? I really think it would be worthwhile doing it.