Would these comments and behaviours be reasonable deal breakers in dating?

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I've was dating someone for a few months (met on Hinge, mid 40s)and am reflecting on my standards and self-esteem in the wake of it ending. Which, if any, would be deal breakers or have caused you serious concern?

-made a few silly sexual jokes whilst messaging, before we met eg..I asked him if he played a musical instrument and he made a joke about wanking
-first date in a coffee shop, I removed a long sleeved top as was too warm (had another top on underneath obvs) and he went "wahaaayyy" as if I was stripping
-made a joke about all women having a base level of psycho
-referred to disabled people as "Scopey"
-met a colleague of min at a works do and told me she was "rough" and this is why he doesn't date women from her area
-despite the fact he is on amicable terms with his ex wife, told me laughingly, when she asked for a divorce, that he had called her a "fat old witch" and threatened to take her pension
-told me inappropriate details about his ex including that she was restricted in sexual positions she could do due to bad hip and that she could orgasm immediately from anal sex (he told me this whilst we were in bed by way of praising my comparative flexibility)
-said "You look lovely in your dress; my ex wife never wore them because of her body type"
-met an acquaintance of mine and said "You're naturally beautiful, not like women like that who plaster on the make up"
-when I was trying to encourage him to get o know me better and asked if there was anything he wanted to know about me (cause I had tried to ask him lots about himself) he said "What is the smallest penis out there have encountered?
-told me, in bed, that he had yet to encounter a smelly vagina
-told me he had dumped a woman as her pubic hair was too long (after avoiding having sex with her for weeks)
-shortly after we began a sexual relationship, told me he thought genitals in general were gross and then was annoyed with me when I went a bit quiet and distant for a few minutes after he said that
-first time we had sex, he seemed clueless despite being married before and many relationships. He kissed me for a while and I was expecting some foreplay (I know I could have initiated this but I had lead on taking him up to my bedroom and removing clothes so didn't want to lead ointment everything). Without so much as touching me intimately, he entered me without a condom. He stopped as soon as I told him to and was visibly upset and said he thought I had wanted it as we were naked and he was laying on top of me. He was genuinely upset and I ended up comforting him!
-I disclosed to him that I had been sexually assaulted in a previous relationship. Despite this, he sent me a GIF that appeared to be of a woman being assaulted, face down on the floor and crying..looked like really rough porn but you could only see her face.
-he had some very laddish mates and he said he didn't judge them for sleeping with prostitutes although it was not something he would do. Told me they had all been giggling in the pub about some story about a woman with a massive anus.
-in a weird coincidence, a mate of his turned up at my house to collect something I had listed on marketplace. He arrived 15 minutes earlier that agreed and ex and I were in bed. When ex realised who it was, he got dressed and said hi his mate. he later told me that the incident had been the subject of joking on their group WhatsApp, with one them writing "He was just pulling out of her as he arrived!"

I felt unsettled with him lot. Would the above reasonably explain that? I have very poor self esteem and anxious attachment style and I am trying to work out if there were reasons outside of that which would make others feel insecure in this dynamic. He was affectionate, attractive, a good dad, good to his mum, a professional, kind to animals, funny, lots of friends and very keen on me. He would send gushing messages and romantic songs and GIFs a lot. He seemed quite future -focused with wanting to progress the relationship quickly. He made me feel very chosen. He was not the type to ask me things about how many men I had slept and liked natural-looking women. So there were lots of good things about him too.

I know….. but I was an idiot for putting myself in that position. I bear responsibility too.

I am now in therapy. Just really had trouble not blaming myself for being anxious in this relationship but this thread is helping me see there were genuine reasons why I felt unsettled .

You were not an idiot to get drunk. People get drunk all the time.
It was fine to get drunk with a supposedly loving partner nearby.
A loving partner would take you home and tuck you into bed.
Personally, I think what he did was immoral. And to laugh? He’s an abuser.
If you are in a mindset of ‘it was my own fault for being drunk’ then you need a lot of time and space to recover.

Thank you. Again, i minimised it at the time. He had been drinking too so I thought that maybe excused it but he can’t have been as drunk as 1. He could recall it all 2. He could actually have sex. Again, he just seemed to view it as high jinks.

And yes, he works in criminal law.

Why would you console him after he entered you without either consent or a condom? So what if he seemed mortified? He should've been mortified.

He works in criminal law. Again, if this is real, this is frightening.
Have you ever seen Jodie Comer’s play Prima Facie about being a female defence barrister? She defends rapists and feels like winning cases is her winning.
Then she is raped by a male barrister and has to go to the police and becomes the victim in the scenario.
Honestly, he sounds fucking deranged and dangerous.

Because I could see that he was very nervous and had misread the situation rather than having nefarious intent. And he was clearly ashamed.

@PetulaGordenoi haven’t seen it but am aware of it.

I still don’t think he was deliberately malicious with the exception of the porn gif. He seemed emotionally tone deaf and lacking in empathy but not intentionally dangerous. I do understand why this must be frustrating for posters to read but he was more than the sum of the faults I listed. At the same time, this thread has helped me gain some clarity and stop judging myself so harshly for feeling anxious and emotional in the relationship.

Or, he was manipulating you. Abusive / toxic men can cry like babies when called on their bad behaviour.

When the injured party ends up comforting the perpetrator, it's pretty fucked up.

That's at least twice he ignored proper consent.

Exactly. No man capable of an ounce of shame would ever go on to send a rape GIF under any circumstances.
OP, he wronged you yet ends up being comforted by you.

If you can’t see how dangerous this man is then I feel for you. Because it makes you vulnerable.
If you really can’t see the danger of a man involved in criminal law sending a dark, rape porn GIF to his girlfriend who is a victim of SA, then I don’t know what else any us can say.
It is like when you see mothers in court dating
saying their sons always came home for Sunday lunch and were lovely boys when they are being sent to prison for murder.
I had to ask myself this question - why are you so desperate for love that you are willing to excuse dangerous behaviours?
I think you are still defending this man even though everyone who has replied has told you he’s a horror story.
At least he’s gone from your life now.

“If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100 percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.”

“I am sure that if the devil existed, he would want us to feel very sorry for him.”
― Martha Stout, The Sociopath Next Door

This man is definitely an abuser. He is textbook (hence me quoting from one). Block him everywhere, because this 'dumping' is just another control tactic - teaching you how to behave (making you believe that he will end the relationship if you are 'too emotional' or whatever).

He's done you a favour. Now maintain complete no contact with him.

He's not a 'mixed bag', he's a rapist. If this is real OP you need to get away from him.

No, he ended it and firmly slammed the door on any possibility of reconciliation. He also blamed me for things not working out as I was too anxious. Shortly after, he told me about all the dates he has been on since ending things. I then explained how the porn gif had affected me and he didn’t apologise and told me not to contact him again. He is now blocked.

Good riddance to bad rubbish!

@Illegally18thank you.

Again, in another display of emotional tone-deafness, he seemed to just be making idle chit chat when asking me if I had moved on with someone else and then telling me about the multiple dates he had been on. It didn’t seem to occur to him that this could be hurtful to someone he had dumped just weeks before after telling them he loved them. And I genuinely believe it was not said maliciously but was just another example of a total empathy failure. Really bizarre

I don't think he's "tone deaf", I think he's a manipulator.

It's all about making you feel like less than, like you have to compete, like he's a prize; it's rubbing your nose in it. Who does that, but an arsehole and a creep?

I don't know why you're determined there was no ill-intention behind it.

But anyway, intention isn't magic. Shitty behaviours are harmful to the person on the receiving end, whether malice was intended or not.

His thoughts about women are horrible, and will only get worse and be directed at you. He’s one of those men who hates women but will put up with them for access to sex.

If, and it’s a big if, all these things he’s done that hurt you are unintentional, then he’s a dangerous liability who can never be trusted to understand how to treat someone well, and not hurt them. If he’s doing it all unintentionally, he’s got terrible instincts - the things he “unintentionally” does have caused you great upset and hurt.

Or, he’s “unintentionally” acting to make himself feel better. Him doing this tends to result in you getting hurt too, because he’s immature, unkind and self centred.

Or, he’s doing some or all of it on purpose.

There are none of these scenarios that make him a good person to be around. It doesn’t actually matter which. Either he’s doing it on purpose, or his unintentional instincts are frequently those that cause hurt and harm to you. Neither of those make him a good person. A good person might be one who unintentionally supports you, listens to you, cares for you, is kind to you.

You dumped him, so this must be a stealth boast, right?
He is utterly vile

This is just plain ridiculous.

I’m ashamed to say he dumped me.

@TallagallaPenguin thank you. You’re right; regardless of intent, the impact has caused me pain and upset repeatedly.

Just another proof of his terrible judgement. No shame on you!

Look after yourself, please take care xxxxxxx

Nothing to be ashamed of sweetheart. Being dumped by a man who speaks to you in such a way is a sort of reverse compliment.