Not Holidaying with DH again

[NomoreHolidayswithhim]

Year after year I’ve had holidays spoiled by DH and I’ve decided I’m not going yo do it anymore. From now on I’ll just book for me & DD and just go.

He seems to spend the whole time moaning or bring negative, lots of sighing, lots of tightness with money, anxious about everything from driving, packing, deciding where to eat/ go.

He does lots of sleeping, reading, scrolling or just critising my way of doing things. This time we drove to a campsite a few hours away and I told him I’d go ahead of him in my car & pitch the tent so his anxiety- therefore sharp/ disparaging tongue didn’t upset me on holiday but deciding to go in separate cars really upset our 10 YO DD for some reason and she was in floods of tears about it so in the end I had to wait for him to take 3 hours to get dressed and pack despite spending all of the previous day packing the main things like tents/ bedding/ clothes/ beach things etc.

When we got there I was reading the instructions for putting up the tent and had also watched a YouTube tutorial the night before so I could do it independently and because DH was there he said he’d help and I asked him if he was going to help to be nice. He agreed then started picking me up on when I was putting the hooks on the poles. I told him I was following the instructions from the tent bag and the YouTube tutorial plus there was no real pro or con to putting them on at this point and he continued to argue that this was wrong. He turned out to be wrong but didn’t admit it. honestly, he transforms into basically a dick when on holiday and I find it very disorienting and feel I have to protect my daughter from his moods.

He doesn’t help with things eg it took me ages in the dark after a long day on the beach to gather up all the things needed to take DD to the shower block and DH just obliviously read his book. Lucky him!

We’ve been together for 15 years and I have booked/ organised packed and unpacked every time we’ve been away and I realised this time that I’m unhappy with the way his personality changes on holiday and I’m just not doing it.

I now have to try and cope with him for the rest of the summer holidays and we’re only a week in.
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if your DD was in floods of tears because she thought dad was being left behind she’s not going to want to go on holiday with just you.

Oh how pathetic
you have a bigger “dh” problem than this

Is he a basically decent person whose quirk is that he can't cope with the uncertainty of holidays, or is he actually always like this but you don't notice because he's always at work? Have you ever asked him calmly why he's like this on holidays?

Hmm, I'm no psychologist but I think there could be multiple reasons a child could react with distress to something like this - total speculation but an anxious attachment to dad for example or insecurity about her parents' relationship?
OP this sounds insufferable, if your DH can't countenance a bit of receptivity and introspection about what is making him like this, I think it's very difficult?

I can't believe your DH was happy with the plan of you going ahead on the camping trip to set up the campsite and he rocks up later once its all done. What kind of a partner plans for that unless its completely unavoidable due to other commitments.

I don't think he 'turns into ' a complete dick on holiday does he? He's always a complete dick but you somehow overlook it more in everyday life?
Of course you shouldn't holiday with him again, how tedious he sounds. I'm not sure why you would want to do anything at all with him.

Cant you leave him? He sounds awful.

The whole thing sounds horribly stressful. Id rather not go on holiday than have to watch youtube videos about how to put up a tent. It sounds horrific. Cant you choose a nice stress free holiday.

Errrr do you ever talk about what actually constitutes a holiday?

I loved camping in my late teens and twenties, but reached a point where I absolutely hate it now, it’s my worst nightmare, especially with kids. I hate beaches but visited many around the world but I wouldn’t consider it a relaxing holiday event. We’ve literally just been on holiday surrounded by some of the UKs best beaches, 10mins and I’m done. Anything that involves work with kids is not not not a holiday!!

A holiday to me with kids is not something that involves physical work. I’m happy to do cheap caravan holidays that we can self cater if we need to but I would 100% choose cheap location and accommodation over a holiday that involves day to day work every single time! We choose cheap caravans in nice locations so we can afford to pay for meals out and fun activities every single time. But also at the same time can feed our picky kids what they like on a day to day basis.

Some people’s idea of holidaying is building tents, shitting in holes, trekking hills and spending days baking in the sun with no access to amenities. Yes it can be fun, but not everyone loves it, DH and I have done many many things before we were together that we hate now. I’d never dream of ever booking a holiday not everyone in the house is 100% happy with.

I really struggle with holidays. I get stressed before going and when I am there I just want to come home! I get ridiculously panicky about something bad happening to the house while we are away and us losing everything. Dont ask me why I think like this, I dont know!

But do I allow that to affect DD? No. Because she loves it and I love spending time with her. And I am aware that she, at 15, wont want to do this with her knackered old ma for many more years so I am making the most of it.

Sounds like he feels like I do about holidays, away from his safe place and in a new routine. But the difference is that he isnt prepared to put his DD first. That may be why she cried when you went to leave without him.

She had been conditioned to "put daddy first" just as you have.

Think about that.

I once read a list of the top ten things that are the most stressful in life, moving house, death of a close relative etc. I did wonder whether they had it all wrong , because nowhere on that list was "putting up a tent" (I am being light-hearted here, but anyone who has tried to do this in UK bad weather, combined with looking after kids is a saint). People who usually get on together with normal life sometimes do not holiday well together. Your DD's reaction was probably due to the stress of the situation at the time, but presented in a different way, in advance, could be quite different "girls trip etc.". I must add that I particularly hate that thing where the person who has done FA to organise anything, then picks away at the finer detail from the vantage point of their camp chair, and plenty of hindsight to back them up. "I would have"..no you wouldn't have, coulda, woulda, shoulda, but actually didn't.

Hell yes. Only been camping once and how the hell ex and I didnt take our mallets to each others heads instead of the tent pegs is still a mystery to me 20 years later!

Ex loves camping and does it as often as he can (weirdo) but he does it alone and I think that is the key. Alone you are in charge, sorting it out and making it work. When there are two of you, you are both stressed, winding each other up and are both sure you are right!

Take your DD on a nice holiday in a hotel next year and leave your DH at home.

OH THE HUMANITY? YOUTUBE VIDEOS. ID RATHER DIE.

My ex was like this . He subconsciously sabotaged every holiday. I organised every holiday but he did things like forgetting the holiday money that I had split in case we got robbed . We were on a tight budget at the time and couldn’t access more. Another time he forgot to get petrol for a very early airport run leaving us driving to the services on a wing and a prayer as nowhere else was open . He always drank too much the night before and was fit for nothing. The irony was he really enjoyed himself when we got to our destination! It was the final straw when one night he said he wasn’t coming on a UK holiday just the night before . I was so angry I took DS and went without him. DS did worry about his dad bless him . He did suffer with depression but it was no excuse for some of his behaviour.

Have spoken with him about why he has a complete personality change on holiday? It does seem odd.

Agree with others that a camping holiday with kids is no fun. What kind of holiday would your OH ideally like? Are you railroading him into holidays he doesn't like and wouldn't choose? Ask him to plan something himself that you all agree to and leave him in charge of everything. If that doesn't work, I would be seriously considering leaving him.

Has your husband got ocd /anxiety? Is it perhaps that at home he’s managed to adapt his life so that things don’t trigger him - he doesn’t go out much, socialise, do things other than his routine etc - but going on holiday brings these issues to the forefront and because it’s not acknowledged or dealt with it’s incredibly hard?

Is he able to recognise and acknowledge the change in him on holiday and how he negatively impacts you and dd?

My father used to be like this on every holiday. He always decided at the last minute not to go . Everyone would be really upset , then he would go at the nth hour. He was miserable a lot of the time on holiday too. Didn't like the hotel room , or would sulk and be obnoxious. It ruined family holidays. My brother was really traumatised by it. I think looking back that he had a form of OCD and anxiety. He was probably also on the spectrum. My mother once went without him.

Strangely enough once we had all left home he went on a lot of lovely holidays with my mother which went fine. He did sometimes work and leave her to get on with it herself though.

He also once phoned me to say he wasn't coming to visit once I had children, on the day they were due to arrive . ( Long drive). He then phoned me halfway down the motorway to say he was on his way. Bizarre.

Hi OP, have you posted about your DH before? I'm sure I read a thread fairly recently with someone who said they were no longer going on holiday with their DH due to his bahaviour. If not, it seems fairly common. I had an ex like this.

I ended up leaving because they always made everything miserable. Nobody was allowed to actually enjoy themsleves and have fun. It was in fact very controlling. They were also abusive and I feel this might go hand in hand.

Hopefully you aren't experiencing any of this. But nevertheless, this sort of thing just gets worse. I'm not sure I could stay married to someone like this. It is rarely ever just this sort of behaviour.

Just focus on yourself and DD. I'm sure he doesn't act like this at work or with others does he? Just you...

I suspect holidays aren’t your only problem. Consider if your whole situation is right for your dc to grow up in.

I find it hard to believe he's just a dick when it comes to holidays.

What does your relationship look like day to day? Is it only tolerable due to routine and him being at work? Are weekends shit as well?

I get this, ive said to my husband I wont do holidays with him because of his panicky nature when away from home. Its so much better

There’s a lot to be said for hotels…and, in this case, divorce.