Not Holidaying with DH again

[NomoreHolidayswithhim]

Year after year I’ve had holidays spoiled by DH and I’ve decided I’m not going yo do it anymore. From now on I’ll just book for me & DD and just go.

He seems to spend the whole time moaning or bring negative, lots of sighing, lots of tightness with money, anxious about everything from driving, packing, deciding where to eat/ go.

He does lots of sleeping, reading, scrolling or just critising my way of doing things. This time we drove to a campsite a few hours away and I told him I’d go ahead of him in my car & pitch the tent so his anxiety- therefore sharp/ disparaging tongue didn’t upset me on holiday but deciding to go in separate cars really upset our 10 YO DD for some reason and she was in floods of tears about it so in the end I had to wait for him to take 3 hours to get dressed and pack despite spending all of the previous day packing the main things like tents/ bedding/ clothes/ beach things etc.

When we got there I was reading the instructions for putting up the tent and had also watched a YouTube tutorial the night before so I could do it independently and because DH was there he said he’d help and I asked him if he was going to help to be nice. He agreed then started picking me up on when I was putting the hooks on the poles. I told him I was following the instructions from the tent bag and the YouTube tutorial plus there was no real pro or con to putting them on at this point and he continued to argue that this was wrong. He turned out to be wrong but didn’t admit it. honestly, he transforms into basically a dick when on holiday and I find it very disorienting and feel I have to protect my daughter from his moods.

He doesn’t help with things eg it took me ages in the dark after a long day on the beach to gather up all the things needed to take DD to the shower block and DH just obliviously read his book. Lucky him!

We’ve been together for 15 years and I have booked/ organised packed and unpacked every time we’ve been away and I realised this time that I’m unhappy with the way his personality changes on holiday and I’m just not doing it.

I now have to try and cope with him for the rest of the summer holidays and we’re only a week in.
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OP, let your DH know that if he doesn’t change his attitude, this is exactly what you’ll be doing. Give him a chance to get over himself. If he doesn’t, exactly this. You shouldn’t have to dread your holidays and he shouldn’t be allowed to ruin things. Once you and DD are settled and starting to enjoy activities, she might be okay with it. Perhaps, you can tell her that dad just needs some alone time to relax and recharge. But he’ll be so happy and excited to see her on your return. She can send him a postcard or two and choose a souvenir to bring home to him. Maybe invite one of her young friends to join the two of you.

If someone finds holidays stressful, I can’t think of any less suitable holiday for them than a camping trip.

Could you not try something a bit less fraught with packing woes, tent assembly, physical discomfort, weather woes, lack of privacy etc?

Or he could "use his words" and say what he does and doesnt want to do! Why is this all on the @NomoreHolidayswithhim

My ex was like this.. that’s why he’s ex

‘In couples therapy established that he can’t do talking because he withdraws and gets dysregulated by talking through things.’

What does that even mean? He’s a grown man he should be able to talk about things and work through them. Sounds like an excuse for him to not admit fault on anything?

Is your Dh afraid of being angry? Is that what he means by dysregulated?

Was there an answer in therapy on how to stay married to someone who finds talking to their wife about holiday plans so terrifyingly stressful that they have to down tools for any useful task and read their book in a comfy chair instead?

OP, I would read your posts back as if you are reading what someone else has written, then ask yourself what advice would I give.

Your daughter is suffering from the actions of both you and your husband. Sobbing whilst eating her pasta, having to be an adult to comfort you. Crying about separate cars.

you are emotionally damaging the very person you are supposed to love and protect.

It doesn’t sound like this is a very healthy climate for your child. He sounds petulant, you are crying. Your child is the parent here! Counselling or split but stop it.

I’d behave worse than your DH if I was made to go camping. Seriously.

Have you been on other types of holidays? Does he act like this in nice hotels or airbnb’s?

he isn’t disparaging towards her like he is to me

But earlier:

he had the nerve to pressure DD to hurry up eating her lunch because ‘we had to go’ she was shovelling pasta in through sobs ... she kept apologising for holding everything up

He may not be disparaging to her the way he is to you but he clearly manages to make her feel bad about herself.

That would make you an arsehole. You're on a family holiday and decide to make everyone else miserable because you are? Grow up.

My guess is he absolutely hates holidays which a lot of people do
he doesn’t want to go and feels pressured and obligated to go and will be counting the days till he’s home

tbh I think he’ll be relived if you don’t take him
no need for a big row just tell him you get the impression he doesn’t enjoy holidays and next year you are going on your own

Your DD sound anxious too, Op.

I would never have suggested that her father could be leaving the holiday, thus two cars, or that your DH being over finicky about pitching tents would be hard to bare.
Why would you make her Dad asking her to eat her food, into a big issue? She then had to see you both arguing over her. No wonder she kept crying.

Speak more positively to her. Allow her to undergo some hardships and to come out a winner. DD might not mind hearing her Dad expressing negatively about coping with camping etc. You are assuming that she is exactly like you. You all survived and had a good time. Focus on that each day.

Also insist that DH suggest where to go for some holidays. DD needs to witness give and take and compromise.

Yes, take some holidays alone and also encourage DH to take DD away for a few days alone.

No grown adult can be made to go on a holiday they really don’t want to do, if OPs DH didn’t want to go camping he had every opportunity to raise this back when it was first suggested.

Yeah…Versus airport stress

Nobody is making him do anything.

He is behaving like a tosser.

I was thinking just the same thing.

I love a holiday but camping is just hard work. They are reserved for certain types of people who love the outdoors and good old fashioned fun. Not people with anxiety and a pollen allergy so bad he needs to wear a mask all summer!

I had a husband like this, we’re getting divorced and I’ve just had a BLISSFUL holiday without him.

leave him, you get one life. Your daughter is learning than men can treat her like shit.

Ah OP. You don't have to pretend everything's perfect but you don't need to expose her to every detail. 'Mummy and Daddy have decided it will be quicker and easier for mummy to go ahead and get the tent set up so it will be ready for when you and daddy arrive' surely would have sufficed. I get you are in a difficult situation and struggling to manage it emotionally and physically but you are definitely letting your emotions come out there into what you told DD. I don't think it is a bad idea holidaying alone in future but I would be really careful how you couch it if you do - Daddy didn't fancy coming on this trip/Daddy had to work, but he is so looking forward to [insert joint activity eg taking us to the cinema] when we come back.

Is the only time you have problems with him on holiday? Be honest with yourself. If yes then I think reducing down the amount of holidays with him is sensible. If no, I would divorce. It's horrible having two parents who can't get on and cause huge tension and stress. Even if she hasn't internalised all this as her fault, which it sounds like she has, she will be frightened of you two shouting at each other. That isn't a healthy environment, you know that which is why you're trying to avoid the arguments. Think about whether a permanent separation would be healthier. Then you could go on joint days out rather than holidays and just holiday alone with DD. Good luck OP, I know it's so hard making the right d decisions for your kids.

This is why I left mine after 10 years, glad we didn't make it to 15.

This, 1000 times. I don’t know why is everyone is talking so much about how much they hate camping, the problem here is that OP has a husband who is acting like a petulant teenager regardless of ruining things for everyone and not giving a fucking shit about it.

With regards to people saying “your poor daughter”… good grief op, well done for trying your best to make things easier for everyone just for the bastard you are married to make you all late and then go for your DD.

Holidays are difficult, but if this makes you realise you are the only parent in that household already… so be it. Believe me, it much, much easier raising a child on your own, than raising them on your own with a flipping manchild tripping you and your child at each step of the process.

If you don’t think things are not that bad as considering leaving. Just head off to visit your dad with DD every year and little by little add more camping or other travel adventures with your child while allowing daddy to “relax at home”.