Can attraction grow?

[thankfulformitchum]

Name changed for this post as my other threads are outing.

Looking for some advice…

I was married for 10+ years to a man I believed adored me but actually was being unfaithful for a lot of it. After the divorce I have dated on and off including one relationship with a terrible, deceitful man. I have found the dating pool to be somewhat lacking in terms of decent men. So for the last 4 years I’ve predominantly been single.

Met a guy a few months ago through friends. We have been dating and spending time together. He is lovely, kind, attentive. We have slept together a couple of times (both times after wine!) and it was ok… but honestly I couldn’t imagine sleeping with him sober. He’s such a nice guy but I don’t feel excited to see him, he’s already referring to me as “his other half” and making plans for us to go on holiday, has told his friends and family…

I know I am particularly guarded given my history and I have explained this to him, I also have two young children who are clearly my priority so I can’t give the same energy as he can into a relationship (he doesn’t have kids).

I feel like I’ve got everything I thought I wanted in a person through meeting him, but I don’t feel a huge physical attraction or spark. He sends me long messages saying how wonderful I am and how he’s never met anyone like me… but I don’t feel the same! And also, he doesn’t really know the “real me” as he hasn’t seen me as a Mum, running around like a headless chicken in the mornings etc etc…

Conscious this possibly isn’t making the most sense, but I just wonder if attraction and spark can grow? We’ve had around 10 dates now…

I mean it depends - it can for some people. One of my best friends ended up marrying her male friend whom she insisted for years she had zero attraction to. She said one day it just happened and she saw him in a different light.

For me personally, nope. I have always found that attraction has to be there at the beginning otherwise it never will be.

My friend's situation was different because they were platonic friends for years so he was never expecting anything romantic. In your situation I dont really think it's fair to him to keep trying to make yourself fancy him. You both deserve more than that. Imagine how you'd feel if a man said he was "really trying" to find you attractive - it would make you feel like shit

I know you’re right 😔 a friend of mine who is very shrewd has always insisted you should marry for security and not for love… but for me, that just doesn’t feel right! I had hoped I was just taking my time emotionally but it doesn’t feel like I am going to develop the feelings I need for this to continue.

I mean, you absolutely can marry for reasons other than love but there will be a price to pay for that wont there? (an emotional price I mean,- and what happens if you then meet someone later on down the line you have a massive sexual attraction to?)

I also think it's incredibly dishonest to marry someone under the pretence that you love them when you actually dont.

For me, attraction tends to grow if you're friends with the person first. It's probably hard for it to grow if you're already dating the person

Attraction did grow for me - I'd previously speculatively considered my now DH when another friend suggested he might like me, but I decided I'd never go out with him. But we'd known each other for a couple of years first.

Do not compromise...

For me when I met DH it was like being hit by a thunderbolt. But that’s not why we got married. Being a kind, funny, hardworking person was the important stuff and why our marriage still works. Looks fade.

When I met my now ex DH I wouldn’t say I felt intense physical attraction but straight away I loved his company and wanted to be with him as much as possible.

With the guy I dated after my marriage there was massive chemistry and physical attraction, though in hindsight we operated very differently emotionally.

So I know what love and lust feels like, but I’m not feeling either here despite how lovely he is 😢I probably would “see how it goes” but I can tell he’s way ahead of me already, already talking about falling in love, and it doesn’t feel fair to keep going if I’m unsure.

No!!!

And by the way, having to drink alcohol to let your body sleep with him is overriding your own security systems. Stop doing that!!!

Marrying someone you don’t love or find attractive just ‘for security’ is cruel and mercenary, not shrewd. It’s using them.

You are very right.

In my experience- no. And I really tried a few times. But it actually went more ick the more I kept trying. I think the attraction growing thing only really happens when you aren't considering them romantically at all.

It's hard enough to keep the spark alive in a long term relationship without choosing a relationship without a spark from the very beginning.

So I think someone can not be your usual type and you don’t initially find them physically attractive in the way you usually find your type.

For example, before I met Dh I’d probably describe my type as tattooed bad boys who played in a band and were almost certain to cheat on me.

Then I met Dh and he was super lovely and respectful and committed with not a single tattoo and zero musical talent, more outdoorsy professional type than slamming heroin between sets like the losers I usually went for.

When I met him, i didn’t find him particularly physically attractive at all for the first couple months we knew each other. But I loved spending time with him. He made me laugh. We could talk all night. Had very similar values and ambitions. There was a definite spark. We just really clicked and I wanted to be around him all the time. We weren’t dating at this point, just friends. The physical attraction took time to grow and after a few months, we both realised we wanted to be more than just friends. The rest is history. I now obviously find him very physically attractive.

I think that’s very different though to not having a spark or enjoying being around someone. I think that’s either there or it’s not.

If you need that much wine to sleep with him I’d say there isn’t room for attraction to grow. Your post comes across a bit depressing tbh - you’re not excited to see him, can’t imagine sleeping with him sober, you don’t feel the same as him.

As a fellow single parent though for me the bit that sticks out is that he doesn’t know the “real you”. You are a mum, your children are your priority. If he’s not getting a sense of that (or if you’re not trying to get that across) then it will never work no matter how much he thinks the sun shines out of your posterior. It’ll be constant conflict as he wants you for himself.

By the way what you describe of his behaviour sounds a little love bombing to me - quite a lot of pressure to put on you 10 dates in.

there is nothing wrong with wanting the best for yourself. You don’t have to settle for the attentive man who just doesn’t do it for you.

It’s very early days - 10?dates in. You’re overthinking. Maybe his keenness is giving you the ick. Tell him you want to take things slowly, don’t introduce him to your kids etc. If you enjoy his company, see what happens after a year or so. Don’t be pressured to step it up a gear until you’re ready.

He sounds a bit full on.

Men who start saying things like “I’ve never met anyone like you” (especially a few months in) are often massive red flags by the way.

Google “love bombing”. Consider if this is what is happening.

If you don’t fancy someone, they are a friend. That is all. You don’t owe anyone your body just because they are nice to you.

Also, be aware that paedophiles target single mums. It’s not rare. Quick google search puts it at “1 in 5 or 6 men can be attracted to children under certain circumstances”. What those circumstance are I don’t know but I’d be very, extra wary of any guy when I had kids.

You don’t fancy him so it’s a non starter. Get out and be careful getting out.

In the nicest possible way, OP, you have to drug yourself to have sex with him.

Depressing when you put it like that 🫤 but you are not wrong

On the point around the children, I’ve made it clear that I wouldn’t be introducing him to my children anytime soon. He was fine about this but in conversations has talked about other women he has dated where he seemed to meet their children very quickly.

He even talked about one woman he dated where her 2 year old daughter would climb into bed with them in the middle of the night. I told him that felt very wrong to me.

I do think his keenness isn’t helping as it does feel he wants to fill all of my child free time and make lots of plans for the future. Having dated some men who could barely plan a coffee date, I initially felt flattered but now it all feels too much.

I'd be a bit worried he's trying to lovebomb you with all this, and that he's actually not that nice underneath it.

The stuff about the 2yr old is a red flag to me. His boundaries are not where I'd want them to be. I feel like he's trying to see where yours are and how squishy they are.

I'd throw him back.

I think you have answered you own question as you said that it developed with your exh.

sounds like there is too much of a difference here and you are not in the same place emotionally, practically romantically. You dont find him attractive physically and non-physically. Potential love bombing, future faking? I

as for the exes with a 2 year old that wasn’t his? He sounds like he has had a lot of drama. Do you want him to be talking to future partners about you in this manner ?

Hope this helps you decide

Is he trying to subtly change your mind about meeting your daughter by mentioning other women who let him meet their children and climb into bed with him? After you saying you don’t him to meet her he’s saying other women don’t mind and planting the seed that you are unreasonable and something is wrong with you because he is safe as those other women did it

I think it can grow but there has to be an initial ‘something’. You might not be able to describe what it is, you might not find the person conventionally attractive but there’s still just ‘something’ that makes you think about them or want to know more.

Good friend of mine had something like this. Was friends with a man (as part of a large group) and he definitely wasn’t her ‘type’ but they got on really well as friends. He really liked her but she said it wasn’t mutual. The more they got to know each other, something started to click for her. They’re now married with two kids and really happy.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve even got the ‘something’?

Let the poor guy go and find someone who loves him as much as he loves them.