Can attraction grow?

[thankfulformitchum]

Name changed for this post as my other threads are outing.

Looking for some advice…

I was married for 10+ years to a man I believed adored me but actually was being unfaithful for a lot of it. After the divorce I have dated on and off including one relationship with a terrible, deceitful man. I have found the dating pool to be somewhat lacking in terms of decent men. So for the last 4 years I’ve predominantly been single.

Met a guy a few months ago through friends. We have been dating and spending time together. He is lovely, kind, attentive. We have slept together a couple of times (both times after wine!) and it was ok… but honestly I couldn’t imagine sleeping with him sober. He’s such a nice guy but I don’t feel excited to see him, he’s already referring to me as “his other half” and making plans for us to go on holiday, has told his friends and family…

I know I am particularly guarded given my history and I have explained this to him, I also have two young children who are clearly my priority so I can’t give the same energy as he can into a relationship (he doesn’t have kids).

I feel like I’ve got everything I thought I wanted in a person through meeting him, but I don’t feel a huge physical attraction or spark. He sends me long messages saying how wonderful I am and how he’s never met anyone like me… but I don’t feel the same! And also, he doesn’t really know the “real me” as he hasn’t seen me as a Mum, running around like a headless chicken in the mornings etc etc…

Conscious this possibly isn’t making the most sense, but I just wonder if attraction and spark can grow? We’ve had around 10 dates now…

I have to agree @category12- the boundaries thing did make me think. I accept I probably lean into being a tad over protective of my children compared to some… he didn’t seem to think it was an issue at all. He also spoke about someone else he dated very briefly and how he met her very young son which made me pause.

@pastadishI dont know if he’s been trying to subtly change my mind about meeting the children. I certainly feel that he has an idealistic idea of who I am without fully understanding the challenges of raising two young children, mostly alone.

I agree with this - for me.
I meet men on dating sites and they're obviously very taken with me - or they're desperate, who knows? I want to get to know someone, then decide if I like them enough to progress to friends etc. How long does that take? Men don't seem to care or think I'm being picky if I don't instantly fall in lust with them. Unfortunately, for me, that doesn't seem to happen. There's no way I can meet a stone cold stranger for the first time off a dating site and be smitten. I have tried seeing men a few times to search for attraction but they assume we're an item and I need persuasion to lure me into bed ...then it all goes horribly wrong!

You've answered your own question here. I dont think its particularly fair on him to keep him hoping things will get better. He doesn't seem a bad man, just a man your not 100% into.

Time is precious, let him find someone else who wants him.

Yes!
Be really careful.

And in my experience, if you don't fancy him, it won't suddenly happen.

End it, before he starts planning the wedding.

I can't imagine sleeping with him sober

Then please don't sleep with him.

I can't imagine a shittier feeling than realising that the woman I thought fancied me can only bring herself to have sex with me when she's pissed.

It'd be a horrible thing to do someone. You don't fancy the man, so stop leading him on.

Imagine the roles reversed and the man saying of you 'I cant imagine sleeping with her sober'.

You are actually using him. Be fair and tell him you dont feel the same.

I do take all of your points. I haven’t been intentionally leading him on, I genuinely like him as a person and was hoping that my feelings would develop… and it’s confused me if I’m honest meeting someone who has been so nice and so keen on me, and then me not feeling the same.

I don’t agree that I am “using him” I haven’t gained anything from him, but agree it’s unfair to continue when we are clearly not on the same page.

But feelings aren't necessarily reciprocal, OP -- it's not clear to me why you're 'confused' about it. We've all at one point or another been violently attracted to someone who didn't feel the same way, or had a pass made at us by someone perfectly nice but who made us want to say 'Ew!'

If liking an opposite-sex person as a person meant that feeling sexually attracted to them inevitably followed, we'd all be shagging our lovely colleagues, neighbours, old friends etc right, left and centre because of their niceness.

Also, on your last point, can you imagine if the tables were turned, and you discovered this man, whom you thought was keen on you, was in fact posting on the internet about how he had to get himself drunk to be able to contemplate sleeping with you, because, though you were terribly nice and planning a future together, he couldn't imagine having sex with you sober? How hurtful would that be?

I'm sorry OP but this "but honestly I couldn’t imagine sleeping with him sober."
is not good.

Please let him go so he can find a mutually beneficial relationship.

Sometimes it’s a signal deep down in your body that’s warning you. Listen to it.

It’s also quite hard to end it with ‘good on paper’, ‘nice’ men. But you will have to and fast. He probably picks up on your mild disinterest and a lot of men get turned on by that. Don’t delay.

Certainly true that I think some men do chase you when you seem a little less keen.

I was busy last night with my kids and getting them sorted for the week ahead and he had messaged me about meeting up this week. I didn’t reply. Then an hour later he messaged me again saying he’d been going through old videos on his iCloud and found some videos of his Mum (who sadly passed away a few months ago) and asked if I would like him to send them to me so I could “meet” her.

I didn’t reply to that part of the message, I felt strange about having videos of a woman on my phone who I don’t know and has passed away. I do understand he’s grieving as they were incredibly close but it all feels too much for me. I am not a heartless person but I feel there are some things that should remain personal.

He seems rather troubled OP.
Just be kind and let him go.

Listen to your gut @thankfulformitchum and go with it. It sounds to me like your body and your instincts are telling you that this man is not a match for you. The various observations you have posted on here also sound like you are not comfortable with him. I think that means he is not the one for you. Don't force it.

I think it can BUT
10 dates in, and you only have sex when drunk.
I think that answers the question really.
And I think whilst it can, him being muchore into you / love bombing you etc makes it less likely.

I think there has to be something there, either a lot of time spent platonically so you learn to know each other deeply (not gonna happen with two kids) or some sort of spark / banter etc.

Nope.

This is getting weird, OP. You keep pointing out things you don't like in his behaviour, but why not just end it and then videos of his dead mother will not longer be your problem? Yes, he's behaving as if you're in an established relationship where you have agreed on a shared future, but equally, you've done nothing to contradict this idea.

Gonna be honest op, he’s kinda creepy. This is a few dates in and he’s asking you to “meet” his dead maw.

He’s a love bomber. And he’s smelled your low self esteem a mile away.

In future, don’t even go on a second date with someone you don’t fancy, For some people I would say go on a second date if you are not sure but not you, you give too many chances.

Youre even sleeping with a guy you don’t fancy. I mean I’m sure lots of people do that unfortunately but it doesn’t make it any less “in need of therapy” territory.

I know you’re right and I will “end” whatever this is. I have drafted a message that I’ll send later.

For what it’s worth in terms of my self esteem, I think he does think I have all of my shit together which is part of the appeal. On paper I do, great job, my own money, own my own home, two lovely children, good social circle and hobbies (time permitting!). I think part of the issue is that he hasn’t seen the real emotional weight of doing it all on my own and so thinks I’m some kind of goddess superhuman who can probably make his life great. But in honesty I’m not looking to rescue anyone or be the centre of anyone else’s world besides my children at this time.

Some men like an outwardly strong woman in order to bring them down.

And to be honest, those things have little to do with the signs of vulnerability a predator looks for, it's the squishy boundaries and need to be liked etc that they sniff out.

I agree the dead mum thing is likely lovebombing - he's soooo serious about you he needs you to meet his mum already. 🙄

It's also an emotionally manipulative thing, poor wounded soldier, where you must minister to his grief and don't dare hurt his feelings by not being keen or ditching him.

10 dates in. 🙄

I think he's giving a lot of red flags, and I'm glad you're ending it.

I'm currently probably in his position, except the object of my affections definitely fancies me.

He also has work, kids, social life...and where I can see myself falling in love with him very easily, he is fond of me but doesn't love me (yet).

So I'm working very hard to chill my boots! If I went for him as hard as your chap is for you, he'd be gone. My situation may not last, but it won't be for want of me being grown-up enough to read the warning signs and modify my behaviour.

I’m just saying here, he could really ramp it up when you give him the flick.

You will know then what your instincts have been warning you about.

Yeah I’m hoping he’ll go easy but I wouldn’t bank on it.

I’d just say something about wanting to focus on your kids and career at this time but thanks for a fun filled few months.

If he tries to imply you owe him meeting in person to discuss then “I won’t be doing that Jim. I’m sorry it didn’t work out but really it was just a couple of months thing. It doesn’t require a debrief. I wish you all the best but that’s that really”. Screenshot the message incase you need to show the police in future if he won’t leave you alone (hoping it won’t come to that).

Don't meet him in person.
If he shows up at your house, do not answer the door.

Well, I must say, meeting the dead MIL via a video message is a new one on me 😂😭😭😭

I’d be really cautious, he has made this a fantasy in his head and may not be happy with you ending it. Almost gives off Madonna/Whore vibes, putting you on a pedestal and not thinking about the real you, the 8am on a Monday morning racing to do school run etc you, You were definitely right in keeping him and your children apart.

For me - no. It's an instant spark that's there or not.

The most concerning thing to me about your post is: "I couldn’t imagine sleeping with him sober. He’s such a nice guy but I don’t feel excited to see him, he’s already referring to me as “his other half” and making plans for us to go on holiday, has told his friends and family…"

He's not right for you if this is the case; it's also not fair to string him along in thinking it's something that it isn't.