Can attraction grow?

[thankfulformitchum]

Name changed for this post as my other threads are outing.

Looking for some advice…

I was married for 10+ years to a man I believed adored me but actually was being unfaithful for a lot of it. After the divorce I have dated on and off including one relationship with a terrible, deceitful man. I have found the dating pool to be somewhat lacking in terms of decent men. So for the last 4 years I’ve predominantly been single.

Met a guy a few months ago through friends. We have been dating and spending time together. He is lovely, kind, attentive. We have slept together a couple of times (both times after wine!) and it was ok… but honestly I couldn’t imagine sleeping with him sober. He’s such a nice guy but I don’t feel excited to see him, he’s already referring to me as “his other half” and making plans for us to go on holiday, has told his friends and family…

I know I am particularly guarded given my history and I have explained this to him, I also have two young children who are clearly my priority so I can’t give the same energy as he can into a relationship (he doesn’t have kids).

I feel like I’ve got everything I thought I wanted in a person through meeting him, but I don’t feel a huge physical attraction or spark. He sends me long messages saying how wonderful I am and how he’s never met anyone like me… but I don’t feel the same! And also, he doesn’t really know the “real me” as he hasn’t seen me as a Mum, running around like a headless chicken in the mornings etc etc…

Conscious this possibly isn’t making the most sense, but I just wonder if attraction and spark can grow? We’ve had around 10 dates now…

If I wasn’t so weirded out by it I’d have laughed too!

Have sent the message, have basically said I have so much on with work, career changes, my children… that I don’t feel I’m able to meet him where he is at and it doesn’t feel right to continue but it has been a pleasure to have met him. (More words than this obviously!)

No reply yet.

Holding my breath with you op x

His reply:

“I have sensed you distancing yourself but wanted to be patient, not demanding because I dont want to add to an already demanding life that you have.

I really like you, because I see more than the beautiful smile and gorgeous looking woman that everyone else sees.
I see who you are, most, not all of your mental scars, what you deserve and that is what makes me gravitate towards you, so yes I am upset but there was always a chance that would happen!”

Perhaps he’s not as bothered as I was thinking he’d be!

Well, panic over. More graceful than some, even if those 'I see into your soul and no one else does' pseudo-insights always make me eye-roll.

Ok now he’s trying to persuade me…

”If this is about you feeling that you cant give me what you think i need, dont think, ask me!
You are an incredible person, I want to be on your team, I also want you on my team, but I have to recognise that we have had time together that has been unexpected and a little care free while you have not been working.
So while the expectation feels like a step forward, the new normal probably means a step back!?
I am happy to talk about what the new normal looks like if you are? Xx”

I feel like the worst person ever

Don't feel bad.

You'd be a worse person to stick it out with someone you don't fancy.

Far better end it now.

Just write back and say something like "sorry no, I mean it's over between us entirely. It's been great getting to know you. I wish you well for the future. Bye"

And consider blocking him if he doesn't pack it in.

Get rid of him fast.

Ignore him.

Eee, the emotional manipulation.

And notice he mentioned your mental scars. He is a predator and as we said, he clocked your insecurities early. And now he’s trying to make out this is a you issue.

“Umm…I’m sorry Dave there’s really nothing to talk about. I just don’t want to date anymore. Thankyou for your time, all the best, Liz”.

Then screenshot that message and block him once he’s read it.

No, I’ve been in your situation a couple of times and I just get the ick with them in the end as I’m just not attracted to them and regret sleeping with them when I’ve been drinking.
i also ended up meeting someone I was sexually attracted to and that put an end to it anyway

New reply:

If this is about you feeling that you cant give me what you think i need, dont think, ask me!
You are an incredible person, I want to be on your team, I also want you on my team, but I have to recognise that we have had time together that has been unexpected and a little care free while you have not been working.
So while the expectation feels like a step forward, the new normal probably means a step back!?
I am happy to talk about what the new normal looks like if you are? Xx

I haven’t replied.

Why would you feel like the worst person ever? Your message courteously ended things. He's choosing to ignore that, trying to make you explain and trying to manipulate you into going out with him again. (I mean, he can think you're wonderful till the cows come home. You don't think he's wonderful and have to get drunk to have sex with him.)

I would reply tomorrow and say 'X, you seem to have misunderstood me. I'm ending things. Best wishes, Y.' And then don't get involved in further dialogue.

Come on OP- "the worst person ever"?

Because you dont want a relationship with this bloke?- there are plenty of men I dont want a relationship with, it doesn't make me Hitler.

He will get over it. He'll be shagging someone else by next weekend

Hmmm, doesn't sound like he is good at listening! I always think it is even more off-putting when you tell someone that you don't want to continue a relationship and they try to persuade you otherwise. It is as though they are refusing to believe that you actually know your own mind!!!

Don't feel bad @thankfulformitchum . You have done both of yourselves a massive favour by not wasting any more time on a relationship that wasn't going to work.

I see his reply as another red flag - it's a word salad trying to negotiate you down from ending the relationship, not accepting it graciously.

“He will be shagging someone else by next weekend”

You’re probably right! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I didn’t reply to his last message… There’s nothing more to say on my part.

Speaking from experience, I don’t think it can. I’ve not long ended a relationship after two years of trying to get the attraction to grow. Similar circumstances, divorce from a man that cheated a treat me like shit for years. This one on paper was everything I ever dreamed of & doted on me but I just couldn’t make it feel right. I’m a firm believer as it has to feel right in your gut.