I should never have messaged him back

[catsgomeow4]

When I was in my very early 20s I had a shortish thing with a man I met on holiday (I know, I know). I went back a few times and we had an amazing time together and even spoke of being together. But we were young, dumb and broke, so it was futile.

It ended badly with a lot of heartbreak. He guilted me into ‘lending’ him money, which I never got back, and he was living with another foreign young woman within days after we officially broke it off (I suspect it was before that actually).

The thing is, the days we spent together were some of the happiest I’ve been in my life. It was an adventure for me, it wasn’t particularly to do with him, but he was part of it. Most of my life is quite mundane and on the straight and narrow, but with him I genuinely did have fun when it was good.

After we fell out big time there was no contact at all for years. I eventually put it behind me. But then a couple of years ago he got back in touch and I stupidly messaged back. We spoke a few times and reminisced and the feelings of euphoria I had about those times and how I felt came back.

I stopped messaging when he started to talk more sexual, however. He spoke about things I wasn’t comfortable with so I stopped replying when he tried to talk.

BUT he then messaged me again 3 months ago, and said he missed talking to me and sorry if he did anything to upset me. I ignored a few times but then at a low point I replied. He again, was saying all sorts of things that took me right back, and I felt that ‘lift’ again. He has a way about him of really hooking you in.

Anyway less than 3 weeks ago we were talking and he wanted to go on a video chat and he tried to turn it sexual again. When I wasn’t interested he culled the conversation. Now, I’ve seen he’s just got engaged to a beautiful woman in his home village.

I now feel stupid for thinking he maybe wanted to be friends or maybe even cares about me a bit. I’m now sure he just wanted to chat for sexual thrills, but he has such a way about him and what he says which can make you feel like he really cares.

I am struggling a bit mentally anyway and I feel I’m not as strong as I should be in these situations. I am in a bit of an unhappy situation myself right now and I wish he had never got back in touch with me.

How old are you now? What’s been your relationship situation since?

Mid 30s. And not great to be honest! After the situation years ago I went back to an ex boyfriend as I thought ‘better the devil you know’. We got married but these days we are no more than housemates. We live separate lives and he does what he wants.

So you're lonely, feeling unloved in a dead marriage, and someone paid you a little attention, probably because he wanted more money.

You need to be proactive, decide whether your marriage can be resurrected, either reinvigorate it, or if not, file for divorce. Get free of him and start again.

Stop going back to people, they are exes for a reason.

If you get moving now, you should have a clear view of how life can be, by the new year.

And after the sex chat would come the request for another "loan" ---

Sorry, OP. This one's a user. And I'll bet you're not the only person to have fallen foul of his "charm".

I don’t think he’s after money now, he went abroad and made his riches and is now richer than me by the looks of it. He said he could now pay me back 3x over what I leant him…. But he hasn’t.

What sort of person tells you how rich he is and how he could pay you back -- then doesn't do so?!

I promise you this, his new wife will have a dog’s life.
He doesn’t have what it takes to sustain a long, meaningful relationship beyond the initial dopamine hit.
You’ve had a lucky escape.
I do feel for you, as you sound unhappy, unloved, lonely and passive in your own life. It’s no wonder you had your head turned x
Being in the wrong relationship is the loneliest place on earth (as Romeo’s new fiancée will find out). Try being on your own for a bit.

Thank you for responding.

It leaves a sour taste in the mouth too that he’s spent years having fun with foreign women (he would try and boast to me about all the women he’s bedded, he said he wanted to have sex with a woman from every country in the world 🙄), but at the end of it all, he’s still able to marry a ‘nice’, respectable and beautiful girl from back home. There’s something very icky about it.

Well that was the most AI post I've ever read! Either that or you are trying to write a very bad mills and boon book!
You 'reminisced and the feelings of euphoria', you tried to make it work but it was futile....que back of hand to forhead while throwing yourself back in a dramatic sweep.

Sorry, definitely not written by AI. I do sometimes wish I could write a novel but don’t have the patience to see it through. Glad I’ve given you some amusement though.

AI knows it's cue, and forehead.

This doesn’t read as AI to me.
OP, I rekindled contact with an ex who I was with when I was in my 20s. I fancied him like mad and I was gutted when it ended. I think of him often and those times We met up last year and whilst it was nice to catch up, I finally realised that my longing for him was really a longing to be 21 again, carefree and fun! I also remembered why we broke up in the first place and realised you can never go back.

Thank you. Yes I think what I miss is the feeling, and having fun and adventure. Unfortunately my life since hasn’t had much of that.

Block his number. You are letting him mess with your head. He's an arsehole.

Your poor husband. Imagine a bloke was just texting a toxic ex flame, they would get eaten alive here.

You need to block his number and give yourself a talking to.

Is there any way of rekindling your marriage? If not, why not separate and start making plans to add some excitement to your life which doesn’t involve a partner? Travel, take up a new interest, learn a new skill. You sound a bit bored and a bit downhearted. Things don’t have to be so dull.

Don’t fall for it. He’s a user. And it’s all lies. Block to protect yourself. You have to make yourself accept this. He’s no good for you. You are remembering happy times which I’m sure were lovely, but focus on the shit bits and remember why you mustn’t have contact.

No, we have been separated for years in most ways that matter. We stay living together for financial reasons as it would be difficult for both of us to live alone and be close to our jobs. But we don’t do anything together unless necessary.

I sometimes say maybe it would be better to just sell up and go our own ways but he is against that as it’s financially comfortable for him.
As it is, he lives a bachelor life and does whatever he wants but has the convenience of a two-income household. He has the means and time to devout to the priorities he does have in his life.
He said what’s the point in struggling financially when we can just be housemates. I can see the logic in this as I don’t have a desire to have another relationship or be involved with a man again anyway.

I think you need to work on your self worth op. He sounds like a toad.

Please stop allowing men to use you. Your husband is using you too. You sound vulnerable and gullible. Get a divorce, sell the house and move on. If you want adventures then make your own. You don't need a man to define you.

This is the best advice. You have one life op go and have some fun

I'm tired of people coming on threads like this and being mean to the OP just for the sake of it. If you don't have anything helpful to say, move on.

And in pissing on OP's writing, you misspelled both cue and forehead, which makes you look a right prat.

Have you separated all your finances from your 'husband's'? Because, apart from a roof over his head, he shouldn't be seeing any benefit from a 'two income household' that he's not really a part of.

I think you are looking back as many people do, through rose tinted specs at a past before you were where you are now, if you see what I mean. But, in the horrible modern parlance, you only get one life. If you start out taking small steps to regain your independence and to do things that make you happy you might feel that you dwell less in the past. But you have to take charge of your life and not rely on the past.

I did similar a few months ago, just out of boredom looked up my ex's name - he had an unusual spelling of his Christian name. Sent him a private message asking if he was the guy I dated when I was 17 (lost my virginity to him). He was. We messaged, I was clear from the start I'd been with my fellow 25 yrs and was happy and just looked him up as a friend. He informed me he'd got married a few days before bizarrely. After the second exchange of messages he said he'd remembered what lovely long legs I used to have - it gave me the ick straight away. That was followed by me trying to keep it on a cool friend basis but another slightly 'risky reply' from him and I blocked him. First time I'd given him the benefit if the doubt. Second time no chance! Been married less than a month at that point and I'd written nothing that could have been misconstrued by him. It was obvious he was a bit of a player, he probably did the same with me but we lived 50 miles apart and only saw each other at the weekends!

Glad we have lost touch again. Shame as his wife looks lovely and I was considering at one point meeting up for a catch up (100% platonic on my part) because I'm so curious which direction his life went in but feel relieved and glad it didn't materialise. Stay away on future OP!

And you are happy to do this for the rest of your life?