I should never have messaged him back

[catsgomeow4]

When I was in my very early 20s I had a shortish thing with a man I met on holiday (I know, I know). I went back a few times and we had an amazing time together and even spoke of being together. But we were young, dumb and broke, so it was futile.

It ended badly with a lot of heartbreak. He guilted me into ‘lending’ him money, which I never got back, and he was living with another foreign young woman within days after we officially broke it off (I suspect it was before that actually).

The thing is, the days we spent together were some of the happiest I’ve been in my life. It was an adventure for me, it wasn’t particularly to do with him, but he was part of it. Most of my life is quite mundane and on the straight and narrow, but with him I genuinely did have fun when it was good.

After we fell out big time there was no contact at all for years. I eventually put it behind me. But then a couple of years ago he got back in touch and I stupidly messaged back. We spoke a few times and reminisced and the feelings of euphoria I had about those times and how I felt came back.

I stopped messaging when he started to talk more sexual, however. He spoke about things I wasn’t comfortable with so I stopped replying when he tried to talk.

BUT he then messaged me again 3 months ago, and said he missed talking to me and sorry if he did anything to upset me. I ignored a few times but then at a low point I replied. He again, was saying all sorts of things that took me right back, and I felt that ‘lift’ again. He has a way about him of really hooking you in.

Anyway less than 3 weeks ago we were talking and he wanted to go on a video chat and he tried to turn it sexual again. When I wasn’t interested he culled the conversation. Now, I’ve seen he’s just got engaged to a beautiful woman in his home village.

I now feel stupid for thinking he maybe wanted to be friends or maybe even cares about me a bit. I’m now sure he just wanted to chat for sexual thrills, but he has such a way about him and what he says which can make you feel like he really cares.

I am struggling a bit mentally anyway and I feel I’m not as strong as I should be in these situations. I am in a bit of an unhappy situation myself right now and I wish he had never got back in touch with me.

¿Qué?

These facts are the ones to hold on to, this is who he is. Sorry

time to look for interesting things to do everyday. Good luck.

This may sound harsh and I apologize if it does. OP, it is not up to other people to make your life feel less mundane. It’s up to you. Just you. You can invite other people to join in some experience and they will or they won’t. Don’t let it stop you. Maybe you’ll get to know interesting new people. It doesn’t have to be expensive either. Imagine, effort, and openness is required. And safety, of course. Look for ways to bring joy to your life NOW. Start small, then go bigger. This guy from your past doesn’t deserve anything from you.

Then find it!

Make some room in your life and pay some attention to having some fun and adventure. It can be grand like going on holiday, or something small like doing something whimsical that you always wanted to do what we’re afraid to do with your hair. Look for opportunities to pick a slightly more exciting or adventurous for you option.

You're not missing him. You're missing yourself at that age.

A liar

What do you want? Your brain is seeking that dopamine hit because you're not getting your needs met. You need to separate properly. Convenience is never a good reason to stay in a dead marriage.

I think you’re hankering after excitement maybe something to speed up your natural personality pace.

firstly, put the effort into your husband, not some excitement over messages reminiscent of life in your 20’s.

secondly, don’t give this other man a second thought, he’s just already bored with his life and looking for a possible hook up, he probably was messaging other women too. Poor woman he is engaged to. Part of me would want to warn her but she’d likely not believe you. At least my conscience would be clear.

Everytime you feel down or want to message him or someone else, message your husband put your efforts in at home.

Sounds like he wants money again.

You were young and feeling the burstings of love in a foreign land with an attractive and exciting man. Of course it was euphoric. But every single time you’ve spoken to him he’s gone to sex… that’s what he wants. Sex and foreign money.

He’s a romance scammer… they’re charismatic. That’s kind of their thing.

Divorce your husband. Look for love again… a bit closer to home.

Years ago, when I was a bit adrift in my life, my best friend gave me some advice - ' stop letting things happen to you and make things happen for yourself'. Annoyingly, she was right! Block the overseas ex, he's wasting your time. The way your marriage is suits your husband, but does it suit you? You need to put yourself first, you matter too. Maybe try therapy? It can help.

Its all bullshit!
These kinds of people are prolific liars and are VERY good at it! Nothing that ever came out of his mouth was true or is every going to be true! It was his job to make you feel special so that he could maximise profit from you and to ensure he lured you in.
He is a professional con artist with no interest in you ither than obtaining as much money as possible and getting a cheap sexual thrill. I know that sounds harsh OP but the sooner you make your peace with this, the easier it will be to move on with your life x

OP I had a ‘friend’ like this at my last workplace. Was a great shoulder to cry on and we also had some fun but I thought we were actually friends.

Anyway after the place closed down I quickly realised that we weren’t friends and he was just after the thrill as every single conversation turned sexual by him, even when I’d just been pouring my heart out about things I was going through.

ive recently been diagnosed with and had surgery for breast cancer and haven’t even heard from him so that tells me everything I need to know.

Your guy sounds much the same, he wasn’t in it for you, he was in it for the thrill and if he doesn’t get that he’s not interested. Draw a line, block him and move on. You’re worth more

He sounds a complete twat if that's how he speaks about women.

Sex with a woman from every country? Sorry, OP, you're no more special to him than whoever else he's contacted from Azerbaijan right through to Zimbabwe.

OP I haven’t read the whole thread but I’ve read all of your posts. I am at least 20 years older than you and every fibre of me is urging you to get away from your husband and create a new life for yourself! You have so much living to do. I’m in a marriage that is friends only. We have a severely disabled child. Neither of us feels we can leave but I’ve got to the age I am and I’m feeling very strongly that I haven’t lived my life. I don’t want that for you. Whatever your new life might look like, whether it has a future man in it or not, make it your own. Don’t waste it. And this guy abroad, don’t waste another minute regretting your actions. You did nothing wrong but take heart that your capable of experiencing that kind of joy xx all the best xx

Do not beat yourself up about contacting your ex. Your home situation is dire, and the remembered thrills of an exciting relationship is potent.

Please rethink your current situation. You cannot live this for the rest of your life. Make yourself no. 1 and sell up, live a full life on your own terms. You'll find someone who can give you the thrills without taking your money, and your self respect.

I do feel for you OP. The feeling of nostalgia / grief for a time or person when you felt happy can be so intense but its not that looser holiday fling you are pining for its a feeling of contentment and happiness. I know others have said it here but I think if your marriage isn't going to make you happy you need to work on what will. Could you go travelling alone? Take up a new hobby or start a nightclass?

1. The old adage "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" seems to apply here. You knew what he was about but fell for it again... twice? I think you need to take responsibility for those silly decisions to speak to him again.
2. He's a massive user and a waste of space. It doesn't matter what girlfriends/ wives/ shags he does ot doesn't have he's clearly a terrible bet as you know he cheated on you and shafted you for cash the very first time round. Stop giving him head space and block him entirely.
3. (Most importantly) you seem like a passenger in your own life! Why?! So your marriage didn't work out, so don't many. Get a divorce, move house, change jobs, go traveling, have an adventure?! What's stopping you exactly? No one else is going to come along and fix your life up for you and you've only got one so get cracking and make the most of it.

Sorry if this sounds a bit tough but really it seems to me like you need a prod to get yourself back in gear before your whole life has slipped by.