I should never have messaged him back

[catsgomeow4]

When I was in my very early 20s I had a shortish thing with a man I met on holiday (I know, I know). I went back a few times and we had an amazing time together and even spoke of being together. But we were young, dumb and broke, so it was futile.

It ended badly with a lot of heartbreak. He guilted me into ‘lending’ him money, which I never got back, and he was living with another foreign young woman within days after we officially broke it off (I suspect it was before that actually).

The thing is, the days we spent together were some of the happiest I’ve been in my life. It was an adventure for me, it wasn’t particularly to do with him, but he was part of it. Most of my life is quite mundane and on the straight and narrow, but with him I genuinely did have fun when it was good.

After we fell out big time there was no contact at all for years. I eventually put it behind me. But then a couple of years ago he got back in touch and I stupidly messaged back. We spoke a few times and reminisced and the feelings of euphoria I had about those times and how I felt came back.

I stopped messaging when he started to talk more sexual, however. He spoke about things I wasn’t comfortable with so I stopped replying when he tried to talk.

BUT he then messaged me again 3 months ago, and said he missed talking to me and sorry if he did anything to upset me. I ignored a few times but then at a low point I replied. He again, was saying all sorts of things that took me right back, and I felt that ‘lift’ again. He has a way about him of really hooking you in.

Anyway less than 3 weeks ago we were talking and he wanted to go on a video chat and he tried to turn it sexual again. When I wasn’t interested he culled the conversation. Now, I’ve seen he’s just got engaged to a beautiful woman in his home village.

I now feel stupid for thinking he maybe wanted to be friends or maybe even cares about me a bit. I’m now sure he just wanted to chat for sexual thrills, but he has such a way about him and what he says which can make you feel like he really cares.

I am struggling a bit mentally anyway and I feel I’m not as strong as I should be in these situations. I am in a bit of an unhappy situation myself right now and I wish he had never got back in touch with me.

I think I have learned to live with it and it’s better than getting myself into other situations (like the one described)

So you're married but ....
Anyway less than 3 weeks ago we were talking and he wanted to go on a video chat and he tried to turn it sexual again.

why are you connecting with a man who you know is only after one thing, when you're still married....

you need to sort things out with your DH or get out of the marriage. ETA - you have low self-esteem letting your DH use you because it's a finance advantage for his "single" lifestyle. Break free and live your best life away from these deadbeat men, you can do a lot better if you try.

Just block him and move on. Do the online freedom programme to learn about red flags and manipulative behaviour.

He's a " tinder swindler" don't fall for it anymore.
He's shown you a pattern of behaviour that you are uncomfortable with,please dont engage with him again.

I would suggest you seek some counselling to help you.

He told you that, did he?

Of course he's now "rich"...

A fling with a womaniser who dips in and out of your life is best avoided.
The feeling & thrill may make your life look mundane and no one hits that excitement anymore in life is because you have grown up & real life maybe mundane but why waste time with a user womanising jerk.
Stabilty and a secure income over any sexual preditor any day.
Of you feel down or unhappy...this is what these types dp to your mental health.
Why is he playing you? You let him. Yuck.

Uuurghh so tedious that we've moved on from people being desperate to spot troll posts to people being desperate to spot AI posts. If you don't think it's real then just don't reply. No one thinks you're clever and ou had nothing useful to say.

OP he's a womaniser. they often have bucketloads of charisma because that's how they are able to sleep with so many women. You're feeling low and lonely and he tried to take advantage of that - good for you for not falling for it and turning things sexual. Someone who didn't have your strength and self respect could easily have ended up going along with it.

He's also a user, when he was broke he got money out of you, now he's got money and he's trying to use you for sex. What you can learn from all this is that you don't need to have any regrets about it ending back when it did and that he is not a good person. He might be fun and exciting, but he's not good. I feel really sorry for his wife who may not be able to escape when she she realises what she's married (depending where they are).

Why haven't you divorced the ex (I know it's not always so simple) but maybe that's where you need to focus your energy, the old cliche of getting your ducks in a row and working out how you can get to a point where you feel you can leave. It sounds like he's really bringing you down and you need to start on a more positive course.

And this is why you took the bait.

you wanted to scratch an itch that’s not being scratched.

this holiday bloke is a catalyst, a symptom of your dissatisfaction with your real life.

you are still young, young enough to start again and live a full and happy life.

so deal with the dead marriage so you don’t end up wasting your life and resenting and hating him for standing in the way of what you could have been.

YOU CAN DO THIS! Deep breath and rip off the plaster

If you’re going to be such an unmitigated bitch about something at least educate yourself to know the difference between cue and (a misspelled) queue.

and surely your autocorrect would have tried to suggest forehead?

Girrlllllll you’re mid 30s not mid 80s! Forget the holiday lothario it isn’t about him this is about you and your life and your feelings of dissatisfaction.

Your mental health is the first priority then when you’re strong enough tell “husband” to buy you out if he wants to live there and move on with your life.

please xxx

Get some legal advice. You need to get the divorce over with. You WILL feel better once you no longer live together.

You can't live like you are for another 50 years! What if your 'husband' gets seriously ill or injured. You won't just be a housemate then, you'll be his (unwilling) carer and feel too bad to leave. This is your wake up call i think. Find some fun!

Ask him to pay you back and see how quickly this disgusting specimen disappears from your horizon.

Do you have kids? This is no way to live with or without them.

Why do you even care he sounds like a total knob and not exactly a catch for his poor wife to be . It seems like focusing on this guy might be a symptom of your own unhappiness in your actual relationship, which is worth exploring instead of wasting headspace on this

What I take from what you’ve written is that you liked who you were with him, and not necessary him as you are aware of his faults and flaws. I truly believe you’re reminiscing a different time in your life and a different version of yourself. Him coming along every now and again gives you the opportunity to revisit that. The good news is that the magic is within you, stop giving him all of the credit for it… but stop seeking it in the wrong place ✨

So why hasn’t he paid you back then if he’s so rich he could afford to pay it 3x? Stop being so gullible, he’s trying to hook you back in and ask you for more cash.

Il can relate to this I too had a holiday romance that lasted affte I came back we were both from Europe but met in Asia . Like you it became difficult to sustain due to distance funds , no WhatsApp or emails back then and we had quite the language barrier too but somehow the chemistry and humour transcended that . Nearly 30 years later I’m stuck in a dead end relationship with a very dull man who doesn’t even look up when I enter a room . I’ve reached out to my ex as I was visiting his home city he’s said it was the best time of his life too but he’s married now and it’s obvious he wants to protect that marriage which I respect . So after 3 months of remincising and mild flirting I’ve had to walk away . It hurts like hell but as someone else said you have to look what’s missing in your life and if you’re just missing the person you were then for me that’s meant splitting with my current partner and being clear about the qualities I want in the next partner but also how I can get back to being the person I was all those years ago

So both you and the holiday fling guy were having an emotional affair by the sounds of things.

I suggest divorcing if the relationship with your husband is described and maybe spending some time single to work on yourself.

You need to divorce your husband (and not contact this loser again).

You need to block him lovely x

Sounds like your low self-worth has had you missing red flags in men. No matter what age you are in life, there's always room for improvement and eventually building the life you desire.

Doesn't matter what your disengaged spouse wants. Take your power back and do what's best for you. I'd know I'd rather have a clean break from a bad marriage and live in a tiny place rather than live in larger, cushier accommodations with a person who could care less about me.

While seeking divorce, begin working on your self-worth by reading articles and books on how to achieve that. Therapy would also be great if you can afford it. Then be alone alone a good year and build a fulfilling life, at first, without a man. Because if you don't take that time of self-rediscovery, you will continue to repeat the pattern of having a faulty man-picker.

If you enjoy companionship, don't let two bad apples have you jaded about men. You just have to learn that there's a lot of digging through sand before finding the treasure. A good practice is to write down must-haves and a list of dealbreakers and stick to it as a guide when dating. It's not being kind to yourself to give chances when a man has major faults. Learn the difference between dealbreaker faults and minor faults.

Take care.

That's just to get you to believe that if he for whatever reason needed some emergency money from you he'd be good for it. You're going to have to at least consider it.
And why the hell would anyone mention that they can pay back the money they owe and then give you nothing at all. Not even the actual amount they owe you never mind 3 times over. If there's no action behind it.. he's just hoping that it makes him sound good.
He 'misses you' once every two years. That's not good enough.

Oh and the mentioning of all the women he sleeps with? Tell him 'the blokes are over there, go talk to them about shit like that'. It's icky, you're right. And it's such an obvious attempt at bigging himself up for all kinds of messed up reasons whilst trying to get you to want to prove your worth. Negging, basically.
He's a classic narcissistic scammer. You can't help them.

I am sorry that you're feeling shit. I've been there. But here you have a chance to reclaim your power back and close the door on all of it once and for all. And feel relieved that it's done. There'll be other people in your life, OP. But believe me I'd rather be alone than have this specimen in my life. Take care.

That shows you his character right there. He boasts he could pay you back because he’s so rich but doesn’t. Urgh! I hate him already.

Like you hint at you just miss being younger and having fun. If you want an adventure can’t you plan one? Go abroad and doing something fun? Change job? Move abroad? There are lots of things you could do to have more adventure. Even smaller things like start a hobby or meet new people.