Would you end your marriage over this behaviour or work things out

[Satsumahwah]

DH and I have had a rough patch in our marriage.

He is asking for another chance and has taken himself off to anger management/therapy and swears he will never do this again and is very sorry.

Until recently he had never done this to me directly.

He knows I’ve experienced DV from my father and in previous relationships including a serious assault

• Repeated shouting/raised voices - when you have asked them not to shout at you and you are not shouting back so it’s not a 2 way row

• Engaging you in circular late night conversations that escalate and not letting them end to go to sleep

• not letting you leave the room when you try to leave to continue an argument

• shouting at you when you are driving

• repeatedly ending the relationship in anger then begging you back

• slamming doors and throwing things

• telling you that they would never hurt you but hurting you emotionally

The context of the arguments is not cheating or lying. I’m not sure the context matters

Nah, there’s no coming back from that laundry list. Leave.

Context doesn’t matter. You’re in another DV relationship. You need to end it. But be really careful how you do this. Check out Women’s Aid website - Survivor’s Handbook. It has advice on how to make yourself as safe as possible when leaving a DV relationship.

Game over, OP

If you think he will genuinely engage with the anger management classes and you can see past whatever has been causing the arguments, I don't think anyone would blame you for granting home ONE more chance but absolutely no more than that.

It's abusive. So sorry xxx

I could forgive a lot. But I would find it very hard to get over being shouted at while driving, not allowed to sleep or leave the room or them throwing things.

Those are done to deliberately harm you not just because he’s seen red.

wow thats a long list - so much more than a rough patch!!

Do the freedom programme to help avoid being in another abusive relationship.

So taking your vulnerability and what he knows will hurt you to use against you?
No there is no coming back from that as you will always wonder if he will do it again.

@Satsumahwah Are you financially dependent on him, OP? He sounds like the sort that would push for that so I hope you have stood your ground?

Anger management classes are no answer to domestic violence which is what you are describing here. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him out on his behaviour. And if he can control
himself around other people then he does not have an anger management problem at all. Abuse is not a relationship issue op, it’s about power and control.

Not acceptable behaviour - move onwards and upwards. Better men are out there x 💐

He says he respects me and sees how bad it looks and how he’s scared me and it’s taught him a lesson

it’s not just worrying about next time, I don’t know if he will just get better at being angry in less obvious ways and if I can trust him

All the power is in my hands apparently

Never mind all that nonsense. Just leave.

@VestibuleWeaver
It really isn't that simple if he has all of the financial control too.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 sorry to say but he'll never change

No he doesn’t have financial control I just feel guilty about leaving him as he says he’s sorry

@Satsumahwah So you're earning? That's really positive. The choice is yours.

Well, he doesn’t. Given that the only thing keeping OP in this abusive relationship is guilt, of all things, really is that simple.

This is who he is and it is no way to live. He can say anything, it means nothing.

Please leave and maybe get yourself a good, supportive therapist so you can see this is not at all normal, and it will not change. It doesn’t matter if he says he’s sorry.
im sorry, OP. This is abuse

He knows I’ve experienced DV from my father and in previous relationships including a serious assault

When you have experienced one abusive relationship you are more likely to have another abusive relationship. Once you've been in two abusive relationships the odds of you walking into a third abusive relationship are incredibly high UNLESS you do the work to strengthen your boundaries and to enable you to see the warning signs. Therapy such as The Freedom Programme. From your post you've had a minimum of three so the odds of you having a fourth is almost guaranteed.

Guess what OP. You are in yet another highly abusive relationship with a manipulative man. Get out, don't have him back under any circumstances, and do the Freedom Programme or another specialised DA therapy.

Choose you 💐

It never gets better. They never change. They say they’ll change but they never do.

All I can say is it will escalate and then there will be lightbulb moment where the fear and guilt of leaving is overtaken by the fear and guilt of staying. You don’t need permission to leave by anyone other than yourself.

Have you tried to leave before?

It takes on average 7/8 times before a woman leaves an abusive relationship. That doesn’t count all the times you think about it and weigh it up in your head.

Please speak to a DA organisation and some trusted friends and family. There is support. 💐

In Lundy Bancrofts book Why Does He Do That he describes how abusers don’t have problems managing their anger. They use anger as a tool to control and intimidate.

He sounds vile. Who cares if he’s sorry.

Once you got to point 3, that was enough. Stopping someone leaving a room, or sleeping, are both big red flags.

Not sure there's anything worth saving