Would you end your marriage over this behaviour or work things out

[Satsumahwah]

DH and I have had a rough patch in our marriage.

He is asking for another chance and has taken himself off to anger management/therapy and swears he will never do this again and is very sorry.

Until recently he had never done this to me directly.

He knows I’ve experienced DV from my father and in previous relationships including a serious assault

• Repeated shouting/raised voices - when you have asked them not to shout at you and you are not shouting back so it’s not a 2 way row

• Engaging you in circular late night conversations that escalate and not letting them end to go to sleep

• not letting you leave the room when you try to leave to continue an argument

• shouting at you when you are driving

• repeatedly ending the relationship in anger then begging you back

• slamming doors and throwing things

• telling you that they would never hurt you but hurting you emotionally

The context of the arguments is not cheating or lying. I’m not sure the context matters

Oh fuck no. You’re absolutely right, he will just get better at degrading, controlling and undermining you in more subtle ways. It is to my eternal regret that I didn’t leave after my ex showed me in a range of ways that he didn’t respect me early on. He was always “sorry” and “recognised what he did wrong” afterwards.

He’s not sorry and he doesn’t respect you. He’s just reluctant to lose the benefits of being in a relationship with you (I am confident there are many of these) and is scared of being exposed as the horrible man he is by you leaving and telling people why.

I mean, if that's a rough patch, what's a complete breakdown of a relationship look like to you? When you're dead, but he's still sorry?
I feel you're understating that behaviour somewhat, and you're like the proverbial boiled frog. The water is too hot but you've not realised.

Each behaviour in your list is bad enough but it is a whole cluster of some very serious abusive behaviours (not letting you to sleep = torture, not letting you leave the room = false imprisonment) which is repeated over and over again over a period of time.

He has not just seen the fear in your eyes. He has seen it countless times before and ignored it. What he is saying now is utter bullshit. It is a con job to pull the wool over your eyes before he does it again.

Don't waste and in fact endanger your life with this scum.

The fact that you have not already left him tells me you are somehow allowing the cycle of abuse started by your father to continue. You are a victim but you must find the strength to break the cycle now and leave him. No second chances ever. He blew that the second time he hurt you.

He's not sorry at all, don't listen to his lies and if you give him a chance, this WILL happen again. The fact you're scared of him is a big red flag so please leave.

OP, that list was appalling — truly astonishingly bad. Even one or two of those behaviours would be unacceptable. No one should put up with that. Saying sorry is meaningless from him, as he has no intention of changing.
I bet he wouldn’t dare treat a tough biker or a burly policeman like that. Men who terrorise women or children are contemptible cowards.
I hope you will break away and live in peace.

OP my ex was like this. God the endless bloody lectures on what I’d apparently done wrong this time. The shouting and throwing things. Stopping me leaving the room or the house. Believe me, it escalates. He was always sorry to start with then as time went on he was not sorry, it was all my fault and he wouldn’t be like this if it wasn’t for me. All while actively stopping me from leaving. I’m sorry to say it did turn violent and ultimately he tried to kill me one night, so I fled with nothing. He was the nicest person in the world if I could just not set him off. Which just means he was a manipulative piece of shit really. Looking back I don’t know why he thought he had the right to treat me like that, I’d never do that to anyone! You need to get out while you can.

Oh and then he kept calling me, calling my work’s reception with fabricated emergencies so my coworkers thought I was an arse for putting the phone down, sending flying monkeys because he was “worried about her mental health” and turning up at my house when my idiot sister told him where to find me. So if you can block him everywhere please do.

How long have you been married, OP? You say he's suddenly started doing these things - does that mean he behaved like a model husband before and this is hugely out of character, or in hindsight has it been a slow slide into this behaviour?
If it's hugely out of character and you've been happily married for years prior, then I'd wonder what's causing it and whether or not there's a small chance he's suffering from a neurological event or a serious mental health issue.

Regardless, his behaviour is abusive, and he needs to leave and live elsewhere.

He can do his anger management and get his health checked while you do the Freedom Programme - and then once you're in a better space and are already living without him, you can decide whether or not you think it's wise to give him another chance, or make the separation permanent (I imagine the latter would be wiser, as I doubt it's a medical issue - he's probably just a common or garden abuser).

Sometimes sorry isn’t enough. I know this is extreme but if someone murdered someone and they said sorry that doesn’t make it ok or forgivable.

If you share DC.. Use your power to make sure he completes the anger mananement program and regularly goes in for refreshers.

Ask the program to build in self assessment and triggers for him to not need you to remind him of appropriate manners and behaviour.

Use your power to agree to a legally binding outcome should you wish to separate.
Do you have a prenup?
Do you own 50% of all marital assets?

If you end up divorcing, DH will still benefit from the AM program. You will need to communicate with him over DC forever.

If you have no children, leave.

It doesn't matter that he says he's sorry - he is repeatedly engaging in behaviour that is abusive and controlling despite knowing your history. He hasn't been directly violent towards you YET but the threat of violence is there and he is using it to control your behaviour.

This doesn't get better. The only thing you can do is leave. Please do it, you deserve to live in peace and safety. His behaviour is NOT normal or acceptable and you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around him.

Nope. Run and don’t look back. This will escalate.

You don’t ’work things out’ with an abusive partner.

But he isnt sorry.

He does not see this as DV I don’t think. Because he didn’t physically hurt me I suspect.

I am away from him but he wants me back. We don’t have DC together.

This all escalated over a 2 month period gradually following a normal rough patch, it’s the reason I left because it was getting worse and not stopping and scaring me.

Now we are apart he’s calmed down and says he’s had therapy and won’t do it again.

He says he was having some mental health issues.

It wasn’t entirely out of the blue or out of character as he was quick to getting angry it’s just he’s never got that angry at me before

It sounds like you're trying to talk yourself into going back to him.

You know this is just another abusive relationship that you need to leave. He won’t change. He cannot change.

Read Lundy Bancroft’s Why does he do that?

‘The power is in your hands’ - he has said this to you? He is trying to persuade you that it’s your fault if the relationship ends, that his actions have had nothing to do with it.

He is free to go to anger management classes whether he is in a relationship with you or not. He should want to do that. It sounds like a good idea for him. However, if you end it, I should imagine he will tell you that he’s stopped going, which will again be about persuading you you are somehow responsible for how he behaves, acts and feels.

Im glad you live apart from him. You are allowed to choose peace of mind. Someone who shouts at you and throws things may only do it occasionally but you are aware it could happen every single day. I won’t live like that, no.

If he was sorry, he wouldnt be being abusive in the first place would he?

He isnt sorry. He doesnt care. He is only "sorry" now because he suddenly realises there might be consequences to his life- he is sorry for himself not you, he isnt sorry for doing it or because he hurt you.

Leave.

One more chance to be abused!

Don't waste any more time in this relationship. He can't control his anger. He will lose his temper again and you will be in the firing line if you stay with him.

The unpredictability of living with a person like this is not worth it. You will never be able to truly relax.

I don’t want to go back to him but I’ve had a lot of doubts put into my head from others minimising his behaviour as just a couples row. They weren’t there. I wasn’t rowing back. He is twice the size of me so even if I did shout I’m not as physically intimidating.

For me the part I can’t get past was I kept asking him to stop doing it and explaining why, and the impact it was having, but he continued and there was a next time.

When he says he respects me I respond ‘you didn’t respect me when you did those things’.

I’ve read Lundy Bancroft in the past and I’ve done the freedom programme. I thought this man was different, and safe.

We have been together 7 years and this had never happened before the past few months but we have only lived together 18 months and that seems to be the escalation.

Saying sorry isn’t enough

Having 5~6 sessions of ‘therapy’ isn't enough

Not recognising his behaviour is abusive is a major 🚩🚩🚩

Having a MH rough patch could be a reason, it’s not an EXCUSE (and he is using it as an excuse!)

Youre not living in the same house just now. You don’t have dcs.
Please stay away from him.
Don’t let him shame or make you feel guilty to refuse to accept his extremely poor behaviour.
The fact you’re frightened, hurt by his behaviours and his words is much important than the fact he is sorry. He is only reaping the consequence of his actions. And I’m sure you’ve given him plenty of second chances already. He won’t change.
Time to give yourself, your feelings, at the very least, as much importance as his.

And I’d consider some trauma counselling for yourself too. Not just about him but all the previous instances, including with your father. These were all traumatic experiences

Given your series of posts, yes I would end this marriage. I foresee once you had children he would be 100 x worse and it would be 100 x harder to leave. How many times do we read on these boards ‘If he was always like this, why on earth did you have children with him?’. Don’t. Don’t waste more of you life with him. Find someone who deserves you.

"I don’t want to go back to him but I’ve had a lot of doubts put into my head from others minimising his behaviour as just a couples row."

If you don't want to go back to him, don't go back to him. Ignore the people who are minimising his behaviour. Why are you listening to them anyway? Are you one of these people who has to be in a relationship no matter what?

@Satsumahwah no you are in an abusive and very controlling relationship .
The anger management is just enough to let you think he means it and is sorry and wants to change . He never will . You will end up broken and stuck .
Please don’t go back .