Would you end your marriage over this behaviour or work things out

[Satsumahwah]

DH and I have had a rough patch in our marriage.

He is asking for another chance and has taken himself off to anger management/therapy and swears he will never do this again and is very sorry.

Until recently he had never done this to me directly.

He knows I’ve experienced DV from my father and in previous relationships including a serious assault

• Repeated shouting/raised voices - when you have asked them not to shout at you and you are not shouting back so it’s not a 2 way row

• Engaging you in circular late night conversations that escalate and not letting them end to go to sleep

• not letting you leave the room when you try to leave to continue an argument

• shouting at you when you are driving

• repeatedly ending the relationship in anger then begging you back

• slamming doors and throwing things

• telling you that they would never hurt you but hurting you emotionally

The context of the arguments is not cheating or lying. I’m not sure the context matters

I’ve read Lundy Bancroft in the past and I’ve done the freedom programme. I thought this man was different, and safe.

And now you know he isn't. So treat yourself well, OP. Choose you, not him.

Him being sorry is irrelevant.
You are in a relationship characterised by constant arguing. Why would you wish tompursue this? What is it for? Is having a man more important than a peaceful civilised existence?

It’s my support network. I turned to them for support and this is the response I got.

And your support network thinks you should accept all of the following?

• Repeated shouting/raised voices - when you have asked them not to shout at you and you are not shouting back so it’s not a 2 way row
• Engaging you in circular late night conversations that escalate and not letting them end to go to sleep
• not letting you leave the room when you try to leave to continue an argument
• shouting at you when you are driving
• repeatedly ending the relationship in anger then begging you back
• slamming doors and throwing things
• telling you that they would never hurt you but hurting you emotionally

If you were part of a friend's support network, and they told you their DP did all these things, would you tell them to stop moaning and put up with it?

You may lose your life if you go back. Do not go back, OP, who cares what the liar says. A lot of us responding on this thread are speaking from experience.

Aren't you scared of him?

I could never be with anyone I was scared of.

I can’t even imagine being frightened in my home or frightened of the person who I’m meant to be able to trust and feel safe with.

He is awful OP: abusive and manipulative. He is not 'sorry' for anything, he is just using this false remorse to control you.

Leave him.

It might also be a good idea to seek some counselling and go through why you doubt your judgement and allow abusive men in your life.

If you don’t want to go back to him, then don’t go back, simple as. It is your decision and no one else’s. They are not living your life and cannot decide for you. It sounds very unpleasant and he made a choice to behave that way on multiple occasions. Everyone here thinks you’re making the right decision, the one that results in a calm and peaceful life.

Op when I separated from my DH my dad wrote a letter to me as if from my children, telling me how much a divorce was going to affect them. He didn't understand any of the abuse I was put through 'because he didn't hit you'.

The emotional impact of abuse can be even more insidious than bruising. If your friends/family/colleagues saw bruises they'd tell you to leave straight away. But the emotional scars can take years to heal.

Those closest to us want the best for us, but they often don't see, or don't have the full picture.

I replied to my dad's letter explaining in full for the first time just exactly what was going on behind closed doors. And gradually the realisation set in that the little public slips were just glimpses of what he was doing when it was just the two of us at home.

You have already made the biggest step by leaving him. You KNOW that by going back eventually the little digs will start again, and before you know it you'll be back at that same dark place as a couple of months ago.

Stay away. Make sure your support squad know EXACTLY what he's like in private. Or get a new support team.

Until next time, and it’s a bit worse, then the tome after when it’s just a slap in the heat of the moment, until the last time, when you are dead.

Re-read what you have written and imagine a friend was telling you this. You know what you would say.

abuse - apologies - love bomb - forgive - abuse
It’s a continuous cycle.

His MH problems doesn’t make you an emotional punchbag

The rot here started with your father and his abuse which has left its scars to the present day. That’s one of many damaging lessons as to what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, are being eroded by this individual now

Btw Did your mum stay with your dad?

I would readily assume both your father and this man are quite plausible to those in the outside world.

Friends can be over invested and not have your interests at heart. Use this thread as a further support network to you and think about why these people in your real life circle are minimising (likely because their own relationship behind closed doors is the same where abusive behaviour is minimised. You’ve shone a light).

And I see without any surprise either that he’s now played the Mh card. It’s a further insult to those men and women who genuinely suffer with poor mental health. There is no justification or excuse for his abuses of you. And besides which such men hate women too. All of them.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You are not some rehab center for such a badly radiated man. Do not set yourself on fire to keep
him warm.

He does not see this as DV I don’t think. Because he didn’t physically hurt me I suspect.

The law says differently.

Does your support network know he won't let you out of a room? That's against the law btw (false imprisonment) and you really should involve the Police just for that point.

Do they know he throws things to intimidate and frighten you? It's a form of aggression and can escalate into violence against a person instead of an object. The pattern is very well known.

Do they know he won't let you sleep? That is a war crime btw which shows you just how bad that is.

DO NOT GO BACK. Speak to a DA charity such as women's aid and do more DA therapy. If the Freedom Programme did not work for you (and it apparently hasn't) then you are in serious need of more specialised help. Your support network is pushing you towards a very dangerous man.

He’s abusing you op. Because I’d bet my bottom dollar he doesn’t have ‘anger management’ issues with you in front of other people, or with his mates or colleagues ? Let me guess is it just with you in private? Men like this seek out women who have been in similar situations before as you’re more likely to repeat patterns.
please please get some help, counselling, contact women’s aid for advice if needed.

Maybe rethink your support network! Have you told them about all his behaviour?

If you still want to be with him (if!) you can tell him to move out today and stay away until he has been on his anger management course and had his therapy, understands why he keeps shouting and knows how to stop himself shouting at you or any other innocent party ever again.
When he's done all that, you'll consider taking him back, but you're not guaranteeing anything.

Which is totally fair enough.

But you’ll also know people tend to minimise bad behaviours.

Sometimes because they’ve been taught to believe than men being angry is normal.
Sometimes because they know the man in question so they struggle to associate tge nice man image tgey have with your description
Sometimes because, due to misogyny, they believe the woman, you, must have done something to trigger this behaviour
Sometimes because it reminds them of what they exoerience at home (or have experienced before with an ex, a parent etc…) and accepting your dh behaviour is unacceptable means accepting what happened to them wasn’t acceptable either.

Thats why friends can be a great sounding board. They can be a huge asset as support etc… but they can also come with their own biases.

Btw @Satsumahwah when he says ‘all the power is your hands’ it’s a way yo
1- reject any responsibility in the split if you do. This man isn’t ready to make any effort to save his marriage!
2- to make you fully responsible for the split regardless of his bad behaviour
3- make feel guilty on top

Another 🚩🚩🚩

They already live separately!

No amount of therapy will make you trust him again , you will forever be waiting for the next thing.
Get out asap and live a peaceful life,

OP, I'm not usually someone who's on the LTB bandwagon and think MN is often too quick to recommend leaving. Not this time. I'm genuinely concerned for you. Please don't go back to him. This is abuse and it's likely to keep escalating.

Move out metaphorically - stay right away from her until he's sorted. No more of this 'I'm so so sorry I'll change' stuff.

Stop wasting your life feeling guilt for people who don't deserve it OP. This is DV. My first husband was exactly like this. He never changed. It was ingrained in his personality.
It eventually escalated into physical violence.
Does he feel guilty? Absolutely not he is just manipulating you.
Just get out as soon as possible. Speak to womens aid as there could be violence when you leave the relationship.
Thank God you dont actually live with him.

This young woman was abused by her father and a previous partner. The man she’s trusted her safety to us now…. abusing her.
Just because it’s not raised fists or sexual assault it doesn’t mean it’s not abuse.
In many cases it’s worse because OP is already traumatised and she’s now living in fear.
He knows EXACTLY what he’s doing and he’s one step away from violence.
Men like this in anger management learn jack shit. They turn up, make the right noises, and then go again.
Anyone in your life or on this thread encouraging you to give him a last chance is telling you to live with more abuse.
You know it’s abuse. Leave.

Unfortunately your (supposed) support network does not have your best interests at heart (who are they?).

"Please stop suggesting I go back to him. He frightens me and I don't want to be in a relationship with him. I want your support to move on, not to go back."

If they continue:

"Stop it. I am scared of him. What's wrong with you?"

And continue:

"I'm leaving now. You aren't respecting my choices and are minimising abuse. You're not a safe person for me to engage with on this. Bye."

Abuse always escalates when they think you won't/can't leave: when you've just had a baby or relocated or been bereaved or whatever. That's why it escalated when you moved it. Well done for leaving, don't go back.