Do I tell my girlfriend I cheated on her?

[ThisGutsyZebra]

I (M27) have been in an 8 year relationship with the most amazing girl. We’re moving in together (life circumstances mean we haven’t done this already) and planning on getting engaged in a few years when we both feel the time is right. She’s the love of my life and I have never questioned us as a long term unit. Shes the best, she’s so good for me and I am so inspired by her.

Recently a few weeks ago, we had a huge argument, and I suggested maybe it might be time to spend some time apart in the relationship. It was a hard conversation. I then went out with some friends and got so drunk, really really drunk, and bumped into a girl I have mutual friends with. She kissed me, I kissed her back and we had a proper snog. I felt ashamed with myself immediately, she was texting me flirting and I briefly flirted back but then she invited me to sleep with her and I said no. We haven’t had any contact since. I went home with my friend and brother (they didn’t see what happened, we were separated).

only thing is, I want a future with my girl. She’s the best, and I want to make things work and love her so much. I haven’t told her yet, and I don’t think she would find out (deleted the messages from my phone). But I feel so guilty and ashamed I have not slept for weeks. I love her so much. What do I do? I know truly in my heart this would never happen again and it’s pathetic that I stooped to this level. I feel like a failure of a man.

definitely, show her exactly who you are.

It'll spare her years of pain because you'll always blame her, when you choose to think with your dick.

So you accidentally swapped numbers as well. Not nice. Your girlfriend deserves better.

If you love her you'll tell here so she can make sure she doesn't waste her life with someone whose response to an argument is to get off with, swap phone numbers with and flirt with any woman that bats their eyelashes at you.

But then if you loved her you wouldn't have done that, would you?

If you were a woman you'd have everyone telling you to say nothing, it was a one-off, you never need to mention it etc.

However, as you're a man, people on here will tear you to shreds and tell you how awful you are.

Realistically, if it will genuinely never happen again I'd personally say nothing... But only you know how things really are and whether you'll do this every time you argue...

You feel guilty, ashamed and haven’t slept for weeks. Thats why you want to tell your girlfriend, to make you feel better. Fuck that. Yes please do tell her and let’s hope she ends it asap. How pathetic.

I was thinking the same thing. These threads are always very different when it is a woman asking about telling her male partner.

Ross, is that you?

Would you forgive her if it was the other way round?

Yeah you do, shame she wasn’t that amazing that it stopped you cheating on her. You deserve what you get.

WE WERE ON A BREAK was exactly my first thought.

Not for me they are not. Cheating is a deal breaker and biology is irrelevant.

This sounds like the problem page in Jackie magazine.

Tell her if you must but if you do don't expect to get engaged anytime soon. In fact just don't get engaged anyway.

Edited to add a second thought.

Forget the kiss. I just don’t feel that anyone should make their life partner the one they met as a teenager.

You've been with your amazing girl for 8 years - since you were 19? And you're only planning on getting engaged in a few years time? Forgive me, but you don't sound committed and after this brief drunken dalliance, you should separate and leave her to find someone who genuinely does think she's amazing.

She kissed me, I kissed her back and we had a proper snog. I felt ashamed with myself immediately, she was texting me flirting and I briefly flirted back but then she invited me to sleep with her and I said no. We haven’t had any contact since. I went home with my friend and brother (they didn’t see what happened, we were separated).

Yoir timeline makes no sense, it looks like you’re deliberately minimising. So you had a snog, swapped numbers, you wander off and she’s texted you enough times that it got to the stage of offering a shag, all in the short time that you were separated from your friend and brother?

Sure, Ross.

Clearly you messaged her after the drunken night and you are downplaying how long it actually went on for.

This is odd. It’s practically the same post as one the other day which was from the girlfriend’s perspective. Same exact scenario except she now knows. Been together years. He wasn’t ready to commit to moving in, had an argument, went out with a friend got separated, met someone he used to know. Kissed. Apparently realised he made a mistake and left to meet up with his friend. But she also found messages on his phone from her so he confessed and now wants to move in and be with her.

'She's the best, she's so good for me, I'm so inspired by her' etc. etc.

Are you good for her? What do you actually bring to this relationship? Quite apart from the cheating, are you genuinely what she wants?

Hmm.

So you told her you wanted to break up. Had that hard conversation (poor you!) Then immediately went out, leaving her heartbroken after 8 years of a committed relationship and the promise of cohabitting... got absolutely shit faced, played tonsil hockey with the first available woman, took her number and exchanged txts...

But you have now decided that you don't actually want to break up with her (whats changed??) That she is the love of your life and you want to spend the rest of your life with her whilst hiding the fact you betrayed her completely and are fucking about with her heart and feelings?

Don't tell her. It will eat you up inside. Or you won't even care. You'll probably do it again now you've had a taste for it, judging by this post.

Or tell her. She can hopefully get far away from you and find someone decent.

Lots of people who cheat have the mentality of ‘if they (their partner) doesn’t know, it can’t hurt them’ But that’s so disrespectful of the partner. They need to know so they can see what type of person you are. what you’re capable of and what you might do again when the mood takes you. And also if they want to still be with you

No.

I don’t understand why people comment like this. Of course there are some posters for whom the genders in these situations are irrelevant. However, generally speaking, a woman posting on MN about cheating will elicit far more positive responses than would a man.

I’d give exactly the same advice whether you’re a man or a woman. Tell her what you did. Relationships built on top of lies are worthless. Take responsibility for what you did and be a grown up and a decent human being.

I wouldn’t say anything, it was a drunken snog.

I agree with this - MN are very forgiving of women who do things like this.