Do I tell my girlfriend I cheated on her?

[ThisGutsyZebra]

I (M27) have been in an 8 year relationship with the most amazing girl. We’re moving in together (life circumstances mean we haven’t done this already) and planning on getting engaged in a few years when we both feel the time is right. She’s the love of my life and I have never questioned us as a long term unit. Shes the best, she’s so good for me and I am so inspired by her.

Recently a few weeks ago, we had a huge argument, and I suggested maybe it might be time to spend some time apart in the relationship. It was a hard conversation. I then went out with some friends and got so drunk, really really drunk, and bumped into a girl I have mutual friends with. She kissed me, I kissed her back and we had a proper snog. I felt ashamed with myself immediately, she was texting me flirting and I briefly flirted back but then she invited me to sleep with her and I said no. We haven’t had any contact since. I went home with my friend and brother (they didn’t see what happened, we were separated).

only thing is, I want a future with my girl. She’s the best, and I want to make things work and love her so much. I haven’t told her yet, and I don’t think she would find out (deleted the messages from my phone). But I feel so guilty and ashamed I have not slept for weeks. I love her so much. What do I do? I know truly in my heart this would never happen again and it’s pathetic that I stooped to this level. I feel like a failure of a man.

Yes I read that too and thought exactly the same thing. Maybe it’s the boyfriend 🤔

If i was created on, drunk or not, I'd be telling you to get to fuck....what happens the next time you have an argument and go and get drunk?

And yes, it would be the same answer if you were a woman

If I were you I definitely wouldn't tell her but I would also have a serious word with myself and do some soul searching re: if I genuinely saw a future with my partner.

Cheated on...obvs

I don’t really understand how you can plan to get engaged - surely as soon as you’ve decided you’re going to get engaged at some point, as in marry ea h other, you’re already engaged?

You are downplaying the event, you orchestrated a split so you could be with someone else in a guilt free way. Now you feel guilt. I’d like your girlfriend to have a better partner or no partner. I’m not sure what’s best for you.

Sorry but this is pretty normal if people have been together since teens. They wait a while until getting engaged, see eg Prince William and Kate who waited til they were 28/29.

As for the OP you don’t sound that into the relationship if your reaction to an argument is suggesting time apart in the relationship. And you’d be telling her only to ease your own guilt, not for her benefit. I also think you hope she would break up with you, saving you the job.

Pathetic.

Agree with this.

@YertleTheTurtle I was just about to type the same thing.
Seen so many threads one just yeasterday telling the op to keep quiet.

I don’t think this is a big deal. A drunken snog while ‘on a break’ isn’t relationship ending, imo. I wouldn’t particularly want to know.

ETA: just saw the ages (my mind somehow previously skipped them). You got together when you were 19? I think you should break up and both go explore a bit.

TBH i dont think this is real i think the op as set it up to prove the double standards on MN.

When in this timeline do you think they ought to have got engaged?

She’s not the love of your life. You don’t hurt and disrespect the love of your life like that.

Why would they need to do that? The double standards are already there for all to see, and always have been.

I don’t agree. I take a very dim view of anyone who cheats on their partner, male or female. I’ve binned ‘mates’ who couldn’t keep their pants on. I think it’s horrible behaviour

If it was a genuine one off drunken snog and define nothing more, then you either live with the guilt as your own genuine stupid mistake and delete and block the girl forever and resolve to do better when the next argument or disagreement occurs as it will. If you tell your girlfriend don't think by unburdening your guilt , you can offload so easy and be forgiven and forgotten. She will be hurt. You work out the risks and how much hurt it will cause. Your girlfriend might find out from someone else or she might never find out. She might dump you if she finds out from you or someone else, or she may live with it, but with an underlying trust issue in your relationship, or she may forgive you. If you do decide to tell, it won't be forgotten. Only you can decide. Others will say telling her is the absolutely the right thing to do. I'm not so sure it is.

I've got that Friday feeling, will OP come back.

I wouldn’t say anything tbh. If this is a genuine post then you feel guilty enough and recognise what you did was wrong. It was a drunken snog that didn’t go any further. Telling her wouldn’t serve any good purpose except to offload your own guilt.

More worrying is the argument which preceded the snog. Do you and your gf both need a bit of time and space away from one another do you think?

I think you need an honest reflection with yourself. Only you know if you are genuinely devastated and committed to never doing this again.

If you're sure it was a one off I'd say nothing, no point in blowing up both your lives for a drunken snog.

Obviously if you do it again you're trash and she deserves to know.

A man breaking up with a woman to have a night of titilation and then immediately getting back is not a break. Its a head fuck and its pure manipulation in order for him to justify that it 'wasn't really cheating' because he'd broken her heart a few hours prior.

A genuine relationship break would be something mutual, needed by both parties with a clear discussion about expectations around other people/relationships whilst apart.

Don't minimise the amount of deception and underhandedness this man has cultivated to get his cheap thrill.

Pedantry, but the fact that you call her a 'girl' is a red flag for me. She's a woman. A woman you seemingly have little respect for. Your immature actions are part of your immature mindset, the same one that minimises her as a 'girl'.

Fess up so she can make fully informed choices about what she wants to do with her life. If that includes you after this then think yourself very lucky and spend some time and effort growing up.

You lost me at planning on getting engaged in a few years

Not true. My advice would have been exactly the same.
I hate cheats of either sex.

I think that’s an overly dramatic reading of events. I’m not minimising anything, I just don’t agree with you.

You said it first and you said it best