Are there any perfect marriages out there?

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Are all marriages a bit fucked? Is this life? Is it only in fairytales we can have a safe and drama free ride?

People aren’t perfect, so no.

However, safe and drama free is perfectly achievable. It’s just a lot of people find that quite difficult.

I see a lot of couples in my work, often older, and a lot of their marriages look absolutely fine. Very few of my friends (late 50s) have divorced, although dp and I both did years ago.

No of course not…but happy, supportive and caring most of the time is possible.

Depends what you mean by perfect. Nobody is out there in fairy land, where you are in perfect harmony at all moments, and never ever fight, and both contribute exactly equally to all chores without being asked, and have mad passionate sex every night.

But if you mean marriages which are built on a stable foundation of mutual love and respect, where both people prioritise the relationship and the wellbeing of their spouse, where you disagree without meanness, where you assume best intentions, where both parties are faithful and loving and fair and kind, where you have fun together and trust one another and are a team - then yes, they do exist, and they're the only marriages worth holding out for.

There is no perfect nothing out there, chick.

I’m dealing with betrayal. He’s not a bad man. He is a good dad, he earns the money and gives it all to me, he’s fun, he’s kind, but he’s also got issues - drink and depression and validation.

I’m trying to figure out what im comfortable with. If I should forgive as it’s the first time or just cut and run: when you have kids it changes everything. We have been together a long time and have a beautiful life which is just getting better. But now it will always be tainted. He’s not abusive or unkind he has just been weak and pathetic after his major breakdown (no affair or physical, but someone fancying him and him enjoying it and carrying on the inappropriate conversation ) but I feel so ANGRY. BETRAYED. How could he risk EVERYTHING?? He’s sorry and grovelling and begging and buying everything and so sorry and he keeps crying and is trying so hard but… can anyone make just one mistake? Do we throw our life away when it will always be worse? Can this be overcome?

Every marriage I know seems to have some level of challenges, arguments, infidelity, abuse, misery, confusion, arguments….. but it’s shit isn’t it? I hate getting older. Social media also paints such a perfect picture of perfect families which is very hard to compare against….

Speaking as someone in a long marriage I would say there is no perfect marriage. Especially if you get married young you have no concept of the ups and downs life might bring your way and no idea of what 'til death do us part' will feel like. How can a 25 year old understand what forever will mean? It is a bloody long time with plenty of opportunity for things to change and to go wrong as well as right - health, mistakes, financial problems or in your case OP his total assholery.

Sounds like he knows he's been an asshole.

You don't have to rush your response to that. A long marriage gives you time to see how things pan out, set new boundaries or call it a day. Sometimes things repair stronger than they were before. Sometimes they're just broken forever.

People who stay together do so in spite of difficulty not because of an absence of it. And nothing I've ever seen on Instagram or social media will convince me anyone gets an easy ride so don't try to compare yourself to an illusion.

I think you both need to go to counselling to identify what happened and a way forward.
I have been very happilly with my husband several decades and have always known that it would be the effect of an affair (emotional or physical) on my trusting him that might break us - not that I couldnt forgive him. You dont need grovelling - you need open and honest communication and understanding if you are going to find a way forward.

@DontrockthecaravanGeoffreythank you, we were married in our 20’s too. Now pushing 40 but with young children…. It’s not been easy but it’s also been happy…. But the last 6 months have been the hardest on my life….. your response is so measured and fair, I am truly grateful thank you

@firsttimeoptimist thanks so much - yes booking marriage counselling as well as his own counselling, he’s joined forums and bought books and keeps begging and buying flowers and doing all the jobs etc…. Thanks so much for the response. I think it’s just knowing I’m not alone. I felt so lucky, almost smug, as I never thought he would do this… and now I just feel a fool. How dare I have thought we were any different.

A marriage can be solid and comfortable without any serious arguments or issues. my parents marriage was like that, and I think mine is too.

if your DH has a serious drink problem, then you need to make plans to protect yourself. alcoholics can be very selfish and lose money / cheat / ruin a marriage without even realizing it.

do you have a job? can you build financial independence so that you can leave if you need to?

Is he going to AlAnon or a similar group to support him with giving up the alcohol?

Just to be clear this "challenges, arguments, infidelity, abuse, misery, confusion, arguments…" are not all the same. Every partnership will have some challenges, and differences that need to be navigated but abuse, misery, confusion, (constant) arguments are all not something one should countenance in a healthy relationship. I kept telling myself when I was married that 'no marriage is perfect' so I put up with the kind of thing you are describing, but I am now in a healthy relationship and honestly it is like light and day - we have differences, but we navigate them by discussing them and resolving them. And, we do not argue, confuse/abuse each other, etc. Ratchet up your standards for yourself, and address them with your DH. Good luck.

We were married when I was 21 and DH was 28. We're still happily married 30 years later. Never argued, do everything together, best of friends - all that stuff. I think, though, that we're unusual. Here's the thing. We don't have kids. When we were younger, we had a big circle of friends, and went to 28 or so weddings of friends. Of those 28, the 22 couples that had kids are now no longer together. The 6 couples that didn't have kids are all still together and are still good friends. We don't for one second ever regret not having kids.

No marriage is perfect but we have been very lucky. We both had several relationships prior so have a realistic view of what works well and what doesn’t.
It’s respect, good communication and give and take xx But the vast majority of the time he makes me happy.

Having kids tests any marriage. Mine included

@donotgettheangst sorry I should have worded that better, I didn’t mean I experience those things. I meant since his betrayal I’ve noticed that in lots of other marriages say of friends, celebrities, family members. or school acquaintances etc , especially ones that seem so strong, you realise some of these things are happening. Financial abuse, or the mum being left every day whilst the husband does a hobby, verbal abuse, sexting, not valued, they way the husband talks to them, never being taken out or I don’t know…. There’s a mum I know who is beautiful and beautiful kids and beautiful house and then she said her husband doesn’t ever celebrate her birthday/valentines/Mother’s Day and she looked so sad and I realised there is probably a lot more to it, but after what I’ve recently been through I’m just trying to figure out what to do and how I know feel about my marriage. If makes sense.

@Meowymewow. That is so interesting thanks for sharing. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship. 100% having kids changed us. I adore being a mum and he loves being a dad but together? Yeah it’s been really really hard, our relationship is definitely not the same and we’ve been through so many more lows since having kids.

@heatherkerleycaresthank you. I think he’s been on a downward spiral for a while, and I think as he was getting better the attention came and he was too weak and flattered. I do think he has a lot of work to do, and only time will tell…. Just feeling very sad, devastated even, as it’s just not what I ever expected.

Its been 6 months and you're happy for him to be grovelling and doing all the chores+ being the sole breadwinner, because somebody fancied him? You're giving me the ick. Either accept it or dont but ut sounds like a subconscious part of you is enjoying the drama

@Minimeenyhi, oh no sorry it’s been a few days. Still very fresh and at the moment too embarrassed to speak to anyone. Trying to just process it at the moment and I find a lot people on here give really great advice. I can assure you, I am not enjoying this. I am devastated. But thank you, it is time to start putting myself first and accepting what has happened

If we were infertile i probably could have written @Meowymes post.
Pre kids we had good money, good health and good times.
Life was very easy. I strongly believe wed still be skipping through fields bragging about our luck and compatibility.

As it is, i married a "good man" and have kids.
Children/ life will strain a marriage. Men are in the main, poorly equipped with low interest in upskilling.

we have a 4 and 2 yr old....I look at my friends who married "good men" and had kids....( I won't even get into the ones who i thought were dicks at the time of marriage) and all of them are in some form or another...deeply disappointing. This is with children under 5... Lord knows what the mext 20 yrs holds....

They basically are stressed overloaded and cant cope with daily life and so despite you feeling overwhelmed it falls to you because who else is doing it if not. They take it out on you are snap because you are "their safe space" 🧐 they need you to verbally praise them and "see" they did the dishes/ laundry.
They get lonely but they are tired and you have to organise bloody playdates for them.

I have no answers but I am so SO jaded with them as a sex.
I can actually see why the lie of trad wives appeals. It just removes the ongoing conflict of 2 jobs amd modern family life by giving clear swim lanes.

This article makes a huge amount of sense to me

https://designmom.substack.com/p/males-are-the-secondary-sex

They are generally just disappointing which I find hard to acknowledge... but nevertheless tis thus.
I also find i watch movies and films with a totally new lense post kids. Tropes like the "i'm just a nobody of a girl" as peddled in twilight, 50 shades and a court of thorn and roses anger up my blood.

My marriage is near perfect. He annoys me sometimes but that’s about it. We never argue. Might have a very minor disagreement once in a blue moon but it gets resolved pretty quickly. I feel very lucky

I feel the OP asks three different questions- are there any perfect marriages, are they all a bit fucked and can we ever have a safe and drama free ride.

I would definitely say no and yes to the second two- I wouldn’t describe my marriage as fucked at all and it is safe and drama free (although that sounds quite a negative way of putting it). We’ve been married nearly 25 years and I have at all times felt completely loved and supported, and I think he has too. Is it perfect? No- we definitely annoy each other sometimes (quite a lot 😂), we don’t completely agree about everything, and there have been times when we’ve felt more and less connected- I think that’s normal in a long marriage and you learn to trust that you can work through the harder times.

I know at least one couple who after 30+ yrs of marriage still like & support each other and plan their lives to max how much they enjoy each other's company. They have healthy lives, etc. I find this wonderful.

No

Thanks everyone. I 100% believe that women are the stronger sex… we cope and handle so much. I’m trying to just figure out if I can overcome it as it goes against everything I believe in…. However, is this what happens in a lot of longer marriages who have kids and very busy stressful lives? I’ve put up with a lot - but I also am not perfect - never in a untrustworthy way though.

I’ve always found the ‘big strong successful man’ attractive, I like he provides, i like he’s fun, I like he’s generous, I like he isn’t controlling, I like he’s noticeable in a room, I like he is passionate, I like he’s a good dad, I’ve always fancied him. But… he has childhood trauma (don’t they all) and he’s always had big insecurities and this happened at a time he suddenly started getting his confidence back…. He drinks to numb his insecurities. I’ve realised the facade is strong but he is weak.

He has promised me the world but will I doubt him forever? And can I live with that? Will it fade over time - a bit like grieving what we had…. But then maybe what we had these last few years hasn’t been amazing and things can get better? Maybe people put up with different things. Each marriage is different. And then I get furious for considering staying… but maybe it is very, very rare to find something or someone who is ‘perfect’.