Are there any perfect marriages out there?

[CBC123]

Are all marriages a bit fucked? Is this life? Is it only in fairytales we can have a safe and drama free ride?

@lljkkthat sounds wonderful

I have a good marriage. We have kids and have been together over 30 years. I love him and still feel butterflies from time to time. We have argued. Of course. We are not perfect but respect communication and kindness are key.

Perfect, no. Nothing is perfect. But 18 years in, I’d say mine is as happy, safe and supportive as I could have imagined a marriage could be. We have been through hell, family estrangements, a miscarriage (and raising two children), and cancer, but it’s always been better together. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. So no, I absolutely wouldn’t settle for something shitty or mediocre. It would be better to be on your own and free than to be with someone who isn’t going to build an empire with you.

Whether I am happy or not in my marriage is dependent on whether I am happy with myself, where I am and who I am as a person.

I feel the same must apply for my husband also and I have taught and guided him towards understanding and healing himself.

I constantly work on myself, my consciousness and my inner peace. Integrity is important to me.

If a person, a DH or DP, lacks integrity
then lies, infidelity, disrespect and all kinds of harmful behaviour can be present in a relationship.

If a partner has depression, problems with alcohol, cheats or lies and is not willing to address these problems within themselves, as a couple or through therapy there is no hope really is there.

But it takes integrity, a characteristic that I feel many people in committed relationships may lack or not be aware.

After many years of a happy marriage, my DH had a life changing medical episode. We are now both very different people. But the strength of our marriage and the love and commitment we have, we feel we can get through anything. But we had absolute trust in each other throughout. If we hadn’t maybe we wouldn’t have been able to get to the place we are now.

When you say he drinks how much are we talking here

Having kids is a massive test of any marriage. The challenges are both physical in terms of the sheer volume of tasks that need to be done everyday, and mental in terms of finding a way to parent consistently that works and aligns with both of you values. Also in many cases financial although have been lucky that I have a well-paid job (brings it’s own challenges of course.)

You discover that you each have a set of hard-wired convictions about everything from Christmas to what to feed children and how to interact with teachers from your own upbringing and sometimes these are completely different. You need to find a middle way, while not getting upset and frustrated because you are tired. Often men just assume women do certain tasks because their mothers did and these tasks are boring, repetitive and thankless. It causes a lot of stress.

You get to know both yourself and your partner completely differently when you are trying to bring up kids together. I wouldn’t want to say you don’t really know some someone until you’ve brought up children together because it sounds a bit dismissive, but you definitely get to see whole other facets of their personality and reactions under stress.

In your personal circs....if you want to make a go of it....i would want to see him giving up the drink and i'd give it up too / reduce to very occasionally.

While doing one doesnt mean you do them all....I think drinking / depression / gambling / drugs / affairs are all on the same flywheel and all go no where good....

I would def get individual counselling as well as couples

@CBC123

This post is very harsh. You came on to tell your story and having walked in your shoes I can almost feel your devastation.

If you both want to make it work you can get through this. We are 25 years on and it is a distant memory although it consumed me at the time. I am not a doormat and am proud we worked through the ‘for better or for worse’ vow. I made mistakes too.

I know people who did end their marriage in similar circumstances and later regretted it.

Six months is a good time to have the conversation with him - to remind him what was almost lost.

Only you know if he is truly sorry and is clear he won’t get another chance - but if you stay together, you move on and choose to enjoy life with him or it will eat you up.

Edited as I read it’s only recently happened. You are still reeling and need time to process.

OP, it sounds as though you have a good marriage, but there are one or two issues. You say your DH suffers with “drink and depression and validation.” Unfortunately, the drink will not help the depression, so he needs to cut down or cut it out. You say he needs “validation”, which explains his behaviour - “no affair or physical, but someone fancying him and him enjoying it and carrying on the inappropriate conversation”. Has the inappropriate conversation now stopped? Is he sorry about it? Because apart from this, you seem to have a good marriage. For whatever reason, your DH has a lack of self esteem (which often goes with depression) and was pleased and flattered to have the validation of this other woman. You say, “he’s fun, I like he’s generous, I like he isn’t controlling, I like he’s noticeable in a room, I like he is passionate, I like he’s a good dad, I’ve always fancied him.”. Don’t throw all this away. Have you tried couples counselling? It might help you. And in answer to your original question, “Are there any perfect marriages?”, no of course there aren’t, but there are very good ones. Marriage is necessarily a compromise, and you need to work at it to make sure you don’t ever take the other person for granted. But your marriage seems to have strong foundations, so see if you can get help to resolve your husband’s insecurities - if you can overcome them, it will make your marriage stronger.

No-one is ever going to have a drama free marriage. No such thing. Perfect marriages are the thing of fairy tales and movies. In real life marriage is a work in progress - with challenges, and high and lows, passions, love and loathing, and laughter and tears.

I could quite cheerfully kick my DH into the canal with a 3 x 2 slab tied to his back some days, but I love the bones of him on other days. He is funny and endearing and kind, and he is also irritating, doesn't stop talking some days, and has days when he keeps asking questions and just follows me around like a puppy!

He is great company and lots of fun some days, and on other days he just annoys me and I wish he would fuck off. I do love him though, honestly! 😆 He can be really thoughtful and kind... and I know he adores me.

THAT is a marriage! Full of peaks and troughs.

I don't think any marriage is 100% perfect but some get very close to that.

Everyone is different; but I disagree with the post that states how can a 25 year know what they want - I met my Husband at 25 - got married at 27. I knew exactly what I wanted and what I didn't want - that might be just me though as I'm usually a 'yes or no' person - I don't think I'm wishy-washy in the most part.

As you put it: "safe and drama free ride" - I would say yes - we aren't into drama or fuss.

We have the greatest respect for each other and always have each others back regardless.

@sesquipedaliani don’t think our marriage has been good for a while, it was amazing, and the last two years with work/stress/depression it’s like we lost track. Just surviving. I’ve resented him for the support I give, when maybe I haven’t understood how bad his depression was. I’ve been all consumed with the kids. There’s been a lot of change.

Yes she’s been deleted and blocked from everything and I’ve checked. Socials and numbers and emails everything. At the moment he is saying and doing everything right. It was one evening, and she started it saying she missed working for him and how good looking he is - she’s married with kids! I can’t even FATHOM doing this to someone. And I keep thinking what if…. It’s been less than a week and I just feel all consumed, one minute I feel furious the next devastated, I also am such a private person the thought of people knowing and judging me whatever I decide makes me feel sick

This was probably one of my biggest ever insecurities.

No two visions
of a perfect marriage
are ever quite the same.

"Is there a perfect marriage" is a very childlike question. People are imperfect. Fairytales are for young children. It's the sort of question we ask when the real world is a bit much and we want to retreat to the certainties of childhood.

There are good marriages, string marriages, loving marriages, but no perfect ones.

I have been with DP since our teens, so around 40 years. We've changed beyond recognition from the kids were were.

We've been through some truly awful stuff with mental illness, nearly losing a child, depression, children with additional needs failed by both education and health systems, redundancy, addiction and bereavement.

We also have loving families, wonderful kids we've raised to adulthood, a happy home, interesting jobs, great friends, a lot of fun and a deep and loving relationship with one another. Because we worked at it. We saw other couples growing apart and decided we needed to invest time and focus on ourselves as a couple as well as all the pressures of family life.

Sometimes that was very hard to fit in. Sometimes I'd have loved to get on a train and vanish. But we didn't, we just kept talking, kept spending time together away from the children, and thrashed out arguments until we found a solution.

One of the sad side effects of the ease of divorce (which is a good thing, God knows we don't want to return to a past where women were trapped in abusive marriages!) is that the idea that a happy marriage is hard work has been forgotten.

If you seriously want to be with one person for 50 years, you need to acknowledge that both of you will change a lot over that time. You need to be sure you're changing in complementary directions rather than drifting apart. That you still know each other well rather than assuming you do. And that you still have a bloody good time together.

That's only possible if other partners are committed to it.

In your situation, OP, I have nothing but sympathy. Couples counselling can be great - it can clarify that there's something worth saving or it can show you you'll be better off apart. Whichever route you choose, I wish you the best.

I don’t think there is such thing as a perfect marriage, perfect looks different to everyone, but I would say my marriage is as perfect as it could be for us personally. We love each other, we respect each other, we fancy each other, we are really great partners to each other as well as parents together, we are not in an easy stage of life at the moment (2 very young children, nobody sleeps😂) and yet I am genuinely really happy, and he says the same. We annoy each other at times like any couple, but we are and have always been a safe space for each other and I couldn’t hope for a better man to share my life and family with.

You are allowed to have boundaries though and for me any kind of cheating is and has always been a boundary I have very openly said I would not tolerate being crossed, at all. There was infidelity between my parents when we were children and watching that pan out, the impact it has, has always made me certain it is a line I couldn’t tolerate being crossed. If you forgive a cheat then all you do is tell them all they have to do is grovel for a bit and all is forgiven, it never stops at just the once, and I deserve more from my life than me being constantly worried every time his phone goes off, every time he’s slightly late home, every time he goes out for a few drinks and I don’t know who he’s with or where he is etc, living like that would drive me to madness and neither I nor my children deserve to live with me like that.

@OttersOnAPlane thank you for your thoughtful response. You’ve given me a lot to think about. I think deep down he is a good man, deep down we love each other… but is it enough. You’re absolutely right you have to work hard at it, prioritise each other. We need to work on ourselves and really find out if it’s too late or what nearly broke us could be beginning of something better. But he especially has so much work to do. Thank you and I wish you all the best

@Jellybunny98100% understand and thanks so much for your message. It sounds like you have a really healthy and happy marriage. Long may it continue for you xx Our marriage seemed stronger when they were younger… then it feels like its been survival the past few years, we have very little time just us, hardly ever. This was always a boundary for me. She started it and he liked the attention. I don’t think I can get over it, it will change our marriage forever…. He is devastated and doing everything to try and salvage it. So when you come face to face with losing everything, devastating the children, losing the financial side and having to go back to work full time, losing our home, losing friends, losing the man I love and starting again… for what I hope and pray was a complete one off never again….I always said I would walk. And I suppose that’s why I asked the question. Is anything in life ever certain? Do we ever truly truly no someone? I don’t know. I haven’t eaten in 5 days so I think I’m starting to lose my mind. Thanks again all.

Op, what did he actually do?

I only ask as because your posts are so vague it's kind of difficult for people to give the right kinda support/guidance.

Was it just a woman messaging him to say she liked him and he only sent a wink emoji as a reply?

Was it on-going flirty messages for weeks?

Was it sexting?

Was there a meet up in anyway?

Phonecall/video call?

The general consensus of whether or not it's just one of a relationships ups and downs can vary a lot depending on any of those answers.

People make mistakes and flattery can be hard to ignore when you feel ignored.

I have had attention over the course of my marriages and I have been flattered and tempted at times too.

i think it is forgivable and you can move on. Clearly early days though.

As the above poster said, what did he do ? Has he slept with someone or just texts etc?

I had a glorious twenty years married. 25 in total with my late DH. Lived in each others pockets. Second marriages and had a fabulous time. Miss him soooo much.

Can i ask youbsomething

Ive not read all replies, I came straight here to say ... I could have written this ... 14 years ago!
My husband did same sort of thing, started with an online chat, a bit of flirting, he was getting attention, it became an emotional affair and lasted about 10 mths.
I was devastated, heart broken, hurt, sad, angry, all the feelings that u are feeling. He was sorry, he was devastated that he had hurt our marriage, we had been together for 9 years at the time .. there was a lot going on at the time, trying for a baby, 5 rounds of ivf, miscarriages, so much pressure .. I was off on forums, looking for support, women like me, making friends and i guess I lost him in the middle, he went off in chat rooms ... (absolutely no excuse at all) but our marriage was left behind amiss all that was happening.
So ... what did we do.
We went to counselling, he went to counselling, I was sad for a very long time.... but - we stayed together. We were open an honest about everything in our marriage. We are still together, much happier than before, yes we have disagreements... thats normal .. we are normal.
You have every right to be sad, u had a perfect marriage that doesnt feel so perfect anymore... but it can be again if u really want it to be. Sending hugs xx

Thanks so much all. I feel so vulnerable sharing so much but I understand more context is needed. I can say with 99% certainty that she had/has a huge crush on my husband. There wasn’t an emotional affair, there wasn’t any secret meet ups or sex or physical but in my opinion there was ‘cheating’ and betrayal.

There was one evening of inappropriate messages whilst he was at the pub, which she instigated, and basically told him how hot she thinks he is and she misses working for him and he responded and flirted for a bit. There was then no contact as her husband found out. She then reached out again a month later asking a ‘business’ question as if nothing had happened, a few generic messages and again her husband found out. I’ve got good reason to believe she’s trying to stalk me now too.

@Winniepoobearthank you so much. You give me hope. I don’t think our marriage has been great for a good year or two, he’s had very low self esteem and depression and has been drinking too much. He seemed to be getting better. He’s devastated and doing everything ‘right’ so maybe our relationship could be different but better different - however there will always be an element of doubt? And can I actually live with this? It goes against everything I am.

I asked myself the same question over n over again ... and i came to the anwser by allowing my husband to show how sorry he was, as the weeks/months (even years) went on i could see he was sorry, he was dedicated in showing me, he allowed me to ask every question I needed anwsers to, however hurtful the anwsers were, and i will be honest and say ... yes i forgave him (I told him after at least 18 mrhs) but i have never forgotten, and i dont think anyone ever will, but a marriage CAN survive after an affair, all be it emotional or physical .... but only if the both of you want it to.
I cant anwser your question, only you can do that but you need to give yourself time to heal, its still raw atm .. go to counselling, separately and together. He HAS to be open and honest with you, he has to sort out his drinking (i never had that issue so cant help there) it will take time .. ask yourself if you are willing to help him or leave him?

Can I add to my post that, after the infertility of our marriage, we adopted a little family and now have teenagers lol, my husband is a good man with a good family, he just lost his way for a wee while but im glad he found his way back to us and I truly hope the same for you too xxx