Can't get past some stuff DH said in an argument

[lettera321]

Namechanged. Been with DH over two decades. Most of it has been good. Recent years have been a bit rocky - the usual midlife challenges.

A few months ago, DH cocked up over something that had a financial impact on our family. We handled it and moved on. Very soon afterwards, I questioned the validity of another financial decision - ie we'd just had to make a big payment out (his debt), and he was pushing to buy something else (for himself), and I said 'maybe we can't afford it right now'.

He reacted explosively, where he was shouted at 'when our kids have left home, we should split up, because this marriage isn't working anymore'. Once he'd calmed down, he was incredibly apologetic. Said he felt guilty about the money thing, stressed about some other stuff, blah blah. He said he didn't mean it and marrying me was the best decision he ever made etc.

Problem is, I can't seem to get past this in my head. Any time we have any degree of conflict, however minor, I come back to this. I tried to explain this to him and he was dismissive. He doesn't seem to get that I can't just wave a wand and forget what he said. I also don't know if I truly believe him that he didn't mean it - I don't blurt stuff out that I don't mean, however angry I am.

Thoughts?

Thoughts - attacking you is better than acknowledging his issues
How much was the debt ?
Paying out does have a financial impact and the fact he wanted to buy something again shows a woeful attitude to money which is unlikely to improve
im not sure I could easily get over what your husband said - if he was serious about working on the marriage he needs to acknowledge the money issues and possibly counselling?

How was he apologetic? Was it a heartfelt apology that you didn’t have to initiate and didn’t minimise your feelings or was it a passing I’m sorry with no understanding of why you’re so hurt as that makes a difference

Can't really help OP because I'd feel the same as you. I never forget things that are said that really hurt, and it would lurk there and pop up every time we had an argument. I'd also be wondering if there was a time limit on our relationship and if it would really end when the kids left.
And I don't know if that's reasonable or not, but it's how I'd feel.

You two might benefit from some couples counselling , to get to the heart of his spending issues, how it affects the marriage, and why he gets so defensive /angry over it. His threat of ending the marriage was probably more to do with guilt /fear/shame over his poor decision making. But he needs to face up to it all and deal with it.

I’d feel the same as you OP. That this is what he actually thinks and anything else he says is just to placate you so you can jointly share the responsibility for his debt, until he can leave you. He’s not taking any accountability for the hurt he caused by this or how it’s made you feel. I’m not sure there’s anything that can be done to resolve this. I wouldn’t forgive and forget.

@rubyslippers - he did acknowledge the money stuff was his mistake. Debt wasn't insignificant but we could manage it. To be fair to him, the apology was very heartfelt. He didn't mean it, he was so very sorry, he let his temper get the better of him blah blah blah.

BUT, I just can't forget it - particularly because I never really tend to say stuff I don't mean. It would have been one thing if he'd said 'we dealt with my debt, and having you suggest now what we can and cannot afford is driving me crazy... and if that goes on forever, it could spell the end for us'. I'd think that was a bit much - but related to the issue in question. Not 'when the kids leave we'll break up because this marriage isn't working' - it was like that was a conclusion he had already reached in his head.

Did he go ahead and buy whatever you were concerned about?

particularly because I never really tend to say stuff I don't mean.

does he have a tendency to?

Explore the finances of divorce. Explain them to him. Point out that if he ever tries to intimidate you into giving him a free pass on spending that can’t be afforded then it will be divorce.

And agree a budget for expenses, savings and free spends. Then he’ll know if he can afford it without running it past you.

The money thing isn't really the issue here though. It was an episode rather than an ongoing problem if you see what I mean.

What I am more concerned about here is what he said in the argument, if he meant it, and how I can (or cannot) get past that...

Plenty of people do say things in the heat of the moment.

Have you ever thought something similar to what he said?

Perhaps in the heat of the argument he did mean it, but now he is thinking calmly and rationally he doesn’t really feel like that at all.
I have certainly said things in the heat of the argument which I have really regretted afterwards and weren’t how I truly felt at all, just in the heat of the moment I felt angry and upset.
I really would let it go, he said something he shouldn’t have, he’s apologised and seems to have meant it so I think he deserves forgiveness and for you to try your best to move on. It might take a little while, tell him how much it hurt you and that you are worried that’s how he truly feels. Once you’ve hashed over vow to let it go and move on.

It's in the back of his mind, that's why he said it. We can all say reactionary things in arguments but people are rarely that specific if they're aren't ruminating over something.

DH was recently made redundant. After a while he looked at our finances properly, and was surprised to find we’re better off than he thought.
I muttered something about it being helpful that I hadn’t divorced him and run off with half the money, and he laughed and said, ‘That’s the thing, we can afford it if you want!’ 🤣
Funny man. I’m not holding it against him.

As for yours I was very angry on first reading because it sounded like he was training you not to complain. If he’s actually a decent man, then I’d just take it as an expression of his frustration that he’d fucked up and can’t do whatever he fancies.

I would tell him you don't feel safe with him - not physically of course, jist in your relationship.
I imagine he went onnthe attack as a means of defense, my dh can be a bit like that then feels awful afterwards (although has neber sughested divorce) but it's horrible op.

Yes but did he buy whatever he wanted? Because it’s actually relevant to his genuine the apology is.

And you say you don’t say things you don’t mean. Does he?

A few months ago, DH cocked up over something that had a financial impact on our family.

how so? Couldn’t go on holiday? Or no takeaways for a couple of weeks? How severe was the impact?

I think a lot of people say things in the heat of an argument that they don’t mean. What he said wouldn’t bother me. I would however be bothered if he was a financial fuckwit and it was affecting our family finances?

@concertinacornflake - your question is interesting. Thinking about it - like I said, the past few years have been a bit challenging. Some of those have been shared challenges - eg a bit of financial woe, some stress with one of our teenage kids - but nothing we haven't navigated together (or so I thought).

We've both had some issues that are more unique to ourselves. Career challenges, some health stuff, problems with our 'own' families. Nothing massive tbh.

But thinking about it, I now realise that I don't tend to bring them into our relationship as such - whereas DH does. He gets irritable and grumpy with stress. I am NOT saying I am perfect, but I don't tend to do this. I guess I've had more things to 'handle' in my own life before I met DH, even though we met when we were pretty young - and I think this has given me a bit more perspective. And I certainly don't say things I don't mean in arguments. You're right @durdledoris - it's all made me feel unsafe.

particularly because I never really tend to say stuff I don't mean.

I would struggle to get past it too, but I am definitely someone who says stuff I don't mean. It's a horrible trait, to lash out like this in an argument and hurt someone, but it does happen. It's not the point though. How you feel is completely reasonable after what he said. The problem is now those words are out, he can't make you believe he didn't mean them, and you will always wonder. Do you feel he really means the apology though? Because if he went ahead and bought the thing anyway, then he doesn't. And the fact he's dismissive of how you feel is almost as bad. If he is sorry, then he at the very least needs to take it seriously.

The problem is the 'when the kids leave home' bit. That wasn't something hurtful said in the heat of the moment. That's a plan. It means he has been considering ending the marriage at some point, and decided not to suggest it until the children were gone. Even if he has decided since then that you are better together, he still has that plan at the back of his head somewhere, for it to pop out like that.

I couldn't get past it, nor would I believe that I should.

My then dh regularly threatened divorce in arguments.

when I actually asked for a divorce it floored him. I think some people say largely things they think abd others just say anything and everything and it’s just to wound there’s no thought behind it at all.

I agree. He's thought about it, it's in his head. I wouldn't be able to move past that either.

When I was pregnant with DS who is about to turn 12, we were at a wedding and someone asked DH what I did as small talk about jobs. I was very pregnant, did all the childcare for DD who was then 5, and was running a part time business from home around that. DH replied "Malinia? Oh, she doesn't do anything". I've never forgotten it. He didn't see the problem with saying it turn and still doesn't, but I don't think I'll ever forgive him for it.

That is why I asked whether he has a tendency to say things he doesn’t mean. Which the Op would know after decades
of marriage.

Gosh I’ve certainly said stuff I don’t mean in the heat of the moment - I may mean it in that very second but not not a minute later.
Id be more concerned how explosive he was - he’s definitely feeling something over money and needs help with that before he pushes you away even further.

I think you have been forced into a position by your dh of both having to pick up the pieces of his financial stupidity, monitor his spending because he’s not reliable and now he has slso told you that if you can’t make him feel good about himself then “the marriage isn’t working” and he’s free to leave.

That’s a hard position to be in. Essentially you are having to be the adult while he stays a child. You have to act like its nothing that he broke something and blamed you for his sad feelings and still say “never mind mummy loves you.”

I suggest looking at Lesley Gibson's books on Emotionally Immature Adults. You will find him on every page.

That doesn’t tell you how you get over this awful comment that he made. Only you can decide that. But I think it will help to understand that this is the best he thinks he can do so its the best he can do. If you try to have any kind of adult conversation about it he’s already told you he can’t tolerate it and will leave. Marriage, for him, is a place where mommy cocoons him and he never has to take responsibility for protecting you or putting your feelings cirst. Its all his privilege and no responsibility.