How can we get support for MIL and BIL living unsafely?

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TLDR: I’m looking for some advice and maybe some sign posting for help for support for my MIL (68) and BIL (45) who are living in a unsanitary, unsafe, disgusting condition.

It’s long to avoid drip feeding.

My MIL health isn’t great, her mobility is pretty much non existent, she sits in her chair all day and hardly moves, she doesn’t drink any water, only 4x Red Bulls per day and her diet comprises of high sugar. Her health has rapidly declined over the last 10 years. Every 18 months or so she’ll start to have falls and then get admitted to hospital for 2 weeks, starts to recover and the falls stop. Then the cycle will start again. She has got CKD3, Diabetes, Edema (the watery leg swelling thing) and she’s obese.

Her eldest son (my BIL) lives with her, he is unemployed (has been for 10 years), is super mobidly obese (definitely over 26 st, he’s 5ft 8). He has health problems too and is deeply unhygienic - hasn’t showered / washed since 2005.

we visited my MIL today and had to call 111 who called an ambulance. My MIL has been admitted to hospital again after a weeks worth of falls, plus she was slurring, drowsy and incoherent. BIL admitted that she’s been like this for over a week but only told us last night. We believe the cause is dehydration but will know more tomorrow. We could not have discovered this sooner as we live an hour away, work full time plus im 32 weeks pregnant and was blue lighted to hospital at the start of the week with significant bleeding which resulted in a 3 day hospital stay.

My husband is so unbelievably stressed. When we were at his mums house today before calling the ambulance we were deeply shocked at the state of the place. It’s not only unclean, it’s unsanitary. Like shit and piss all over the toilets - her ensuite stacked full of bagged soiled continence pads, it stank. You can’t see the floor in any room, my DH blocked me from entering the kitchen because it’s so disgusting he didn’t want me / his unborn child being exposed to it. DH attempted to clean the downstairs WC so I could use it but instead told me to ‘hold it’ and go to Tesco instead as it was too unsanitary in there.

We called the paramedics and one of them
was close to tears about the state of the house and how two people can live this way. They pulled me aside to get as much info as poss and said they’d raise a safe guarding concern.

My BIL mentioned that he’d been asking the neighbour to help him pick my MIL up off the floor when she had fallen in the week. I went and spoke with the neighbours and she said that she has been looking into how she can raise a safe guarding concern to see if MIL and BIL can get some support.

The issue is, MIL and BIL are both in huge denial about their situation. I don’t know why BIL doesn’t clean or tidy, he’s obese but can walk around and he is a massive contributor to the pigsty.

My MIL refuses to accept any help and will blame us now for her being admitted to hospital again. My DH and I are at a complete loss we don’t know who can help - it is not possible for us to go clean their house as we work full time and have our own house to clean, plus we live an hour away and are expecting our first child. And quite frankly - they are both adults with capacity and my MIL can afford a cleaner.

I guess I am looking for advice on if it’s possible to get someone round to inspect the place, assess both of them and make some recommendations. My MIL is super excited about the arrival of her first grandchild and I need to break it to her that absolutely under no circumstances will I be bringing a newborn to her house as it’s too disgusting and unsanitary there.

I understand why you’re saying this but ultimately this has been going on for years and he’s raised it with them for years and nothing ever changes.

He’s not ‘scared’ to say something to her, he could say something and get the backlash from them - but tbh, it isn’t worth the aggro. They’re adults and have capacity, and can afford to pay for help.

Imagine telling someone for years, begging them, writing letters desperately trying to get them to change - and it’s ignored and just gets worse… there’s only so much he can do and he’s at his limit now.

DH is not going to take on unnecessary stress when absolutely zero will change. We can only control our own emotions and reactions here - not theirs.

This may come across as pussy footing but this is 10 years of this shit now - we thought her becoming a grandmother will change things but if anything it’s got worse.

We’re done!

Also wanted to add - she goes through these hospital stints every 18 months and we always hope it’s the ‘wake up call’ she needs but nothing ever changes.

I guess we’re at the point now where if her getting better for her first grandchild (that she’s always desperately wanted) isn’t enough, then what is?!

Its a frustrating situation and I’m done! DH is done! They can continue to live their disgusting unsanitary slobby life together. I’ve done my bit with the safe guarding referrals and told the hospital MILs living in an unsafe environment. That’s all I can do, she hasn’t listened to us for 10 years, I doubt she’s gonna start now.

BIL should be ashamed of himself letting his own mother live like that whilst bleeding her dry and stuffing his fat face, I despair

BIL even has the audacity to lecture the paramedics on how drinking ‘Red Bull’ isn’t bad/unhealthy. Whilst he stands there with his massive fat gut out.

Argh sorry I am so frustrated today - MIL was so rude to DH. I am at the point where I don’t want anything to do with her. She’s blaming me for her being in hospital, yeah like I need this right now!! The lack of accountability is off the charts - I am done! If she mentions baby / bringing baby round when she’s born I’ll be very plainly telling her it ain’t happening.

And I just made an anonymous report to DVLA about MIL not being medically fit to drive! I hope this is taken seriously. She can’t even stand let alone handle a vehicle.

OP

Detach, detach, detach and encourage your DH to do the same. Look after yourself and your baby. You said it perfectly above:

We can only control our own emotions and reactions here - not theirs.

it’s not going to change, no matter how much energy he puts into this situation. They don’t want it to change, so nothing will change - until it’s forced on them.

Wow that's really interesting, and also really sad.