How can we get support for MIL and BIL living unsafely?

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TLDR: I’m looking for some advice and maybe some sign posting for help for support for my MIL (68) and BIL (45) who are living in a unsanitary, unsafe, disgusting condition.

It’s long to avoid drip feeding.

My MIL health isn’t great, her mobility is pretty much non existent, she sits in her chair all day and hardly moves, she doesn’t drink any water, only 4x Red Bulls per day and her diet comprises of high sugar. Her health has rapidly declined over the last 10 years. Every 18 months or so she’ll start to have falls and then get admitted to hospital for 2 weeks, starts to recover and the falls stop. Then the cycle will start again. She has got CKD3, Diabetes, Edema (the watery leg swelling thing) and she’s obese.

Her eldest son (my BIL) lives with her, he is unemployed (has been for 10 years), is super mobidly obese (definitely over 26 st, he’s 5ft 8). He has health problems too and is deeply unhygienic - hasn’t showered / washed since 2005.

we visited my MIL today and had to call 111 who called an ambulance. My MIL has been admitted to hospital again after a weeks worth of falls, plus she was slurring, drowsy and incoherent. BIL admitted that she’s been like this for over a week but only told us last night. We believe the cause is dehydration but will know more tomorrow. We could not have discovered this sooner as we live an hour away, work full time plus im 32 weeks pregnant and was blue lighted to hospital at the start of the week with significant bleeding which resulted in a 3 day hospital stay.

My husband is so unbelievably stressed. When we were at his mums house today before calling the ambulance we were deeply shocked at the state of the place. It’s not only unclean, it’s unsanitary. Like shit and piss all over the toilets - her ensuite stacked full of bagged soiled continence pads, it stank. You can’t see the floor in any room, my DH blocked me from entering the kitchen because it’s so disgusting he didn’t want me / his unborn child being exposed to it. DH attempted to clean the downstairs WC so I could use it but instead told me to ‘hold it’ and go to Tesco instead as it was too unsanitary in there.

We called the paramedics and one of them
was close to tears about the state of the house and how two people can live this way. They pulled me aside to get as much info as poss and said they’d raise a safe guarding concern.

My BIL mentioned that he’d been asking the neighbour to help him pick my MIL up off the floor when she had fallen in the week. I went and spoke with the neighbours and she said that she has been looking into how she can raise a safe guarding concern to see if MIL and BIL can get some support.

The issue is, MIL and BIL are both in huge denial about their situation. I don’t know why BIL doesn’t clean or tidy, he’s obese but can walk around and he is a massive contributor to the pigsty.

My MIL refuses to accept any help and will blame us now for her being admitted to hospital again. My DH and I are at a complete loss we don’t know who can help - it is not possible for us to go clean their house as we work full time and have our own house to clean, plus we live an hour away and are expecting our first child. And quite frankly - they are both adults with capacity and my MIL can afford a cleaner.

I guess I am looking for advice on if it’s possible to get someone round to inspect the place, assess both of them and make some recommendations. My MIL is super excited about the arrival of her first grandchild and I need to break it to her that absolutely under no circumstances will I be bringing a newborn to her house as it’s too disgusting and unsanitary there.

I’m so sorry but I don’t think you can help them and for your own sakes I don’t think you should try, beyond trying to get social services and mental health support.

They are all obviously both deeply unwell. This is not a quick fix situation.

I would want to feel like I had done my best before stepping away. You can’t actually force people to change, they have to want to do it themselves. Mil needs counselling and mental health support to address her self neglect.

Capacity assessments are carried out when thet are medically fit not when they are unwell. Was the ambulance person new as they must have seen this before. There are lots of people living like this and yes, it does come down to capacity in the end.

Thank you everyone. There are some really good suggestions that I have noted down and will explore today -

1. Local Council - safe guarding team - adult services - assessment
2. Hospital discharge team - use word ‘unsafe discharge’
3. GP - liaison officer - context GP and share concerns
4. Environmental Control - environmental health

The relationship my DH has with his mum is very much one sided. DH cares deeply for her and hates seeing her this way. He calls her weekly to check in and see how she is and gets nothing back. Meaning she doesn’t ask how we are, she’s never asked about the pregnancy (despite being deeply hurt that we had initially decided that we weren’t planning on having kids and throwing this in our face for 10 years). she doesn’t ever call.

Last time we saw her in person was 12 weeks ago after the 20 week scan, it was hard work.. She just sits in her chair complaining the entire time about everything and didn’t ask about the baby or scan once. It’s draining and exhausting and honestly my DH has tried to shield me from that and he usually has to go to bed after visiting her to recharge his batteries. The environment is so negative and usually there’s nowhere for me to sit because it’s a dump and his morbidly obese brother takes up the 2 seater sofa.

DH does not have a relationship with his brother. His brother has never lived independently and up until 10 years ago only worked 15 hours per week - he is a sponger and just leaches from his mum. My DH has a strong work ethic and hates seeing his mum being treated this way by his brother. There’s absolutely no way my DH would give up one of his precious weekends off work (he works hard) to go and clean up after his disgusting unemployment leach of a brother).

MIL retired when she was 58, she sold the family home to downsize getting approx 120k equity out so she could retire. She also took out her private pension. She had approx 250k which she has spunked on my BIL. She gives him approx £600 per month to keep him sweet with agreeing to move house 10 years ago - honestly the situation is rage inducing, but there’s no talking sense to her. She favours her eldest over my DH despite my DH doing a lot of running around after MIL.

I feel like yesterday I may have had a mini breakthrough with my MIL, despite the incoherence she expressed excitement about holding her grand daughter when she’s born. I may be able to leverage this and convince her to get a cleaner / bio hazard team in over the next 8 weeks to get the house up to scratch.

I have to tread so carefully with this though - last time this all happened I told BIL to make sure he cleans the cat litter tray properly and both MIL and BIL were fucked off with me for months for saying this.

Make sure you are talking to their local authority adult services not yours, very important.

Environmental health are for outside the property I think. Social care can arrange a deep clean, if she is eligible, but the people living there have to agree . This is very common and there are many companies making a good living out of cleaning these properties.

Frankly, I’d be warning BIL that unless he cooperates in getting the situation under control, you’ll report him to the police for abuse/ neglect of his mother.

I would add financial abuse to the list of issues to be raised with Social Services

Deary me. Has your DH ever had therapy about this? To help him find better ways of dealing with it than (emotionally) banging his head off a wall then literally taking to his bed to recover? He knows that this is not a normal situation, right? Sometimes it’s hard to see this when you grow up in such an environment.

If the BIL has never really worked, never left home etc then for me that indicates there’s more going on than just laziness. They sound completely enmeshed, the two of them. MIL didn’t have to spend all her money on him, but she does. Why is that? Why does she favour him? I’m guessing she has never pushed him to work or leave home or do any of the normal things that your DH has managed to do - so that she isn’t alone? Because she worried he wouldn’t cope?

Was MIL like this when DH was growing up?

Where is DHs dad in all this?

Ages in the first sentence of the OP

It says their ages clearly at beginning of OP. And what difference does it make why and when son moved back there? He may well never have left.

I missed that, in my first post. 68 and 45 are really young to be in this situation - it comes up more often on the Elderly Parents board, where the parent has just got too infirm or ill to continue living at home, but they might be the carers of a child who never left etc and who might not be capable of living independently etc. There was a massive thread on here a while ago about people ending up in this situation: often men, often with undiagnosed / untreated learning difficulties or autism, or mental illness, who’d never left the parental home and the dilemmas that it throws up when the parent starts to decline, and when siblings get dragged into trying to help them.

Which is also why I asked for more info about the BIL. A 45 year old man who has never worked, never left home, never done any of the normal things that adults do - thats likely to be a different situation to a man who e.g. left home and worked etc. but ended up back home through unemployment or a relationship breakdown. With the latter there’s a hope that it’s temporary and maybe he’ll find his feet again. But if it’s the former, the DH and the OP are dealing with a really difficult situation.

Yeah fair enough, you're not wrong. I think regardless of how the son ended up there it couldn't really get any more dire.
I hope they sort something out. What a huge burden it must be.

I would also tell the neighbour to refuse to assist with falls and to call an ambulance each and every time.

Its not a good sign that MIL briefly took an interest in the baby. She is literally incapable of a healthy relationship eith a child. She has fostered her older son’s dependency on her until he is literally crippled and incapable of self care. She rejects and displays indifference to her younger son’s dependency (OP’s DH).

Whether this began in trauma or not really doesn’t matter. The MIL and BIL are in a tightly enmeshed dysfunctional bond that precludes change. They like it this way. They cling to each other, the hoard, and their patterns because they prefer it to the risk of novelty, action, social contact etc…

In psychology we say “states become traits” and “what fires together, wires together.” Both of them now have extremely significant hard wiring to avoid snd evade normal adult interactions.

You can’t fix it and your poor DH can’t either. Have him read books like Lesley Gibson’s Adult Children of the Emotionally immature or snthing about toxic snd enmeshed families or the effect of having grown up with a narcissistic parent or one with a related personality disorder.

What can’t be cured must be endured. Your poor dh and you are doing the important work of breaking the chains of dysfunction by being loving and loyal to each other and your little family.

Your MIL is in hospital? Is this correct? Is BIL on the tenancy? Is he a "resident " or visitor?

MIL is not, at the moment in residence, pay for a total clean from a company willing to do the necessary clean, and then sign a contract to do a clean monthly
.
If BIL is on the tenancy, get him to go/come for a visit or holiday. Then possibly get a company to do a total clean.

A little bit of underhand substerfuge is the cheap/easiest way.

Maybe in the future if you can prove they are unable to look after themselves then a Court Order might have to be obtained.

Its so great everyone saying
contact SS
contact GP
the adults have capacity
SS will ask a question of MIL she will lie they will go away box has been ticked
there is no funding there is no funding

The mil and bil have spent quarter of a million pounds on who knows what in ten years, why should anyone else pay for their house to be cleaned?

I was going to say this
he needs to move out and get his own flat.

I think an external cleaning company bio hazard is an absolute priority here. I’d also get any carpets ripped up and high quality Lino or laminate put down as it is much easier to clean and it sounds like MIL needs regular carers to go in and sort her out too.

It's quite shocking they are both in this situation at such a relatively young age really. Are they both diagnosed with Mh issues? I would be getting a deep clean done whilst Mil is in hospital. Somewhere like Age Uki often offer this kind of service. Then arrange for a weekly cleaner to keep on top of it. If either or both get disability benefits then this is what these payments are intended for - to pay for services/ care when people can't manage it themselves. They clearly need more of an eye keeping on them and someone to liase with support services. I would also be looking into a falls alarm - a service who will come and pick people up when they fall.

Completely agree, dh should thank his lucky stars he isn’t the mother enmeshed son.

OP with your update I have thought again. Just go no contact. Easier for you than your DH but will be less hard in the long run. They are young enough and have enough resources and nothing he ever does will be enough or will bring him what he needs from them. A sense that he is loved and cared for.

Should be straightforward in practice. Give them some ultimatum they won’t be able to meet. Then when they fail hold your nerve and let them go. Save his energy for his loving family. Save yours for your husband and child. He sounds lovely so show him as much support as you can to help him move on.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. The baby can be the change.

Environmental health would definitely be interested, they have a statutory duty to deal with “filthy or venomous” (their language) which explicitly lists extreme hoarding, faeces as concerns. It’s not just for outside the house.

I don't think this is so very unusual. You might find this recent article interesting.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2026/jul/13/bea-elton-cleans-houses-cleaning

Honestly: I’d leave them to it and get on with my own life