Just needing advice really about what you would do in my situation as I am on my last straw, very run down as a result of my marriage and genuinely at a cross roads and my husband seems oblivious!
For general life context, we have been married 11 years. My husband is good looking, well respected in a full time professional job, plays semi professional sport outside of work, very social, lots of friends and likes to be busy. He is helpful at his sports clubs and helps with youth fixtures etc. His working hrs are often about 7.30-5.30pm. Sport taking up about 3/4 evenings a week, all day Saturday every weekend all year round from about 10am to 7/8pm. He's very committed, won't miss a game for e.g. family holidays/weddings etc.
I am in a professional role too working four days a week, and as he is never there really during waking hours (except Sundays), I do the overwhelming majority of everything else and childcare.
We have 2 small children, 1 year and 3 years.
He provides financial for all of us and it means we don't generally need to worry about money (not mega money but we live in a 3 bed semi, which we brought when we were young and the mortgage is quite cheap compared to our salaries).
On the face of it, it kind of works, except me never really getting a break, and him being almost pathologically busy.
My main problem though, is when he is at home, he is not loving or affectionate. If I was to try and give him a kiss or have sex etc he will brush me off and reject it. For reference without sounding annoying, I am generally regarded as pretty, and I look after myself well - people often comment on both my appearance and personality. I'm not sure why but it happens.
This refusal to be affectionate started around 9 years ago when I had a carcinoma removed (I was about 21) and it really freaked him out, and I had suspicion at the time he might have cheated but no evidence and he point blank refused. I'm not sure why I have tolerated it for so long but I think I almost blamed myself and really internalised how stressful it was for him.
My other gripe is he just doesn't engage well with our children, like to the point he has never looked after them by himself EVER for more than an hr. If it is over an hr he gets his parents round to help him. When one of our kids was sick and he was supposed to stay with him when I went to work, he packed them off to grandparents and went and got a coffee and did some work instead.
Lastly, there are too many to list but there are so many constants which don't feel hug and aren't like phsycailly abusive or anything but to be honest for me have caused major resentment. E.g. naming our son whilst I was unconscious after giving birth to him despite me saying I wanted to wait, going out the next day after we got home from the hospital (with both kids after they were born), leaving me when I was heavily pregnant and ill with an ill toddler to go out drinking despite me begging him to stay, drinking and throwing up all over our toddlers bed on first day of the holidays, whenever we've had to take a child to hospital he just texts or calls hope they're OK, and carries on with his life (bar about 2 occasions where it was life threatening), when I had sepsis from mastitis wouldn't leave work to look after the baby so I could rest in hospital meaning the nurses had to, when I was in bed after being discharged from hospital after said sepsis only looked after the baby for 12 minutes out of the whole day whilst I tried to shower and although he was supposed to be spending the day helping me again went out the gym for a coffee etc. There's many, many, many more things but I could go on all day.
He basically never shows up for us when we need him to.
Last weekend I had an honest chat with him and said I feel like I've given up on him to show up for us, and also to be affectionate. I've tried for such a long time and I just cannot any more. He sulked for an hour, said that made him feel shit and refused to eat tea and then an hr later carried on as normal. This week he has continued his normal schedule.
Part of me thinks I could handle the busyness if he was madly in love with me, affectionate, an engaged enthusiastic father and was really caring whilst he is here but he is not.
I feel like I might know my answer deep down but I would like advice on what you would do, what would your next steps be, how would you approach any further conversations.