Am I overreacting about a clingy and possibly controlling new partner?

[soupertruper]

I've been seeing someone for a few months I met unexpectedly after having been happily single for a long time. Lately I've been finding more and more things about that put me off and I don't know if I'm overreacting.

He needs to be touched nearly all the time - if I'm reading a book, he'll grab my hand (which means I can't read so I pull it away). If he's driving, he'll hold my hand (I pull away because I don't want us to crash - we had a collision recently and while he wasn't holding my hand at the time, I kept replaying it and thinking it was because he wasn't concentrating on the road and on me instead). He bristles every time I mention a male friend or another man platonically.

I also keep catching him looking at other women - he says he looks at everyone but it really winds me up. We went to a new city and he came back saying he looked at every woman and I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen. I know it's a compliment but it just gives me the ick. I feel suffocated as I can't even have a day without him texting me or asking to meet.

There are many nice things about him - he texts me and is good with communication, obviously cares for me, tells me how much he adores me (though he was was very to say the l-word), but I just feel like I'm settling for someone who's this clingy and borderline controlling.

He is charming and everyone is so happy I've found someone, but I think I want to get out but I'm not sure I'm overreacting.

You’re not overreacting. Red flags for days. Get out now!

Run for the hills - these ones always get worse

I am not sure it matters if you're over reacting - you're not comfortable, it's early days, so yes, you should end it while it's still easy to end.

For the recorfd however, I dont' think you're over reacting AT ALL. The book thing, for example, doesn't feel just about touch to me. It's about control. If you're reading, you're not giving him attention. so he takes your hand so you have to give him that attention instead. If I'm reading and DH wants to be affectionate, he puts a hand on my leg or gives me a foot massage. But mostly, he just leaves me alone becuase reading is , by its nature, a solitary activity.

Throw this one back.

Don’t ignore your instincts. I couldn’t stand these behaviours.

Any one of those things would have me end it.

@MageKing I've never had this before with the reading thing as it's a solitary habit and often a sign someone needs/wants alone time. He'll be reading too and will reach out and take my hand that's free. Surely it's obvious I need the other hand for reading too so I find it bizarre. I've also had him say he needs space so I'll say I'm going to read and then he'll lay his head on my lap to nap but it also means I can't read.

You're right, it's about control though. I've just got the massive ick about it all and tbh I'm not sure I feel safe ending it given how clingy and emotional he can be. I've had 2 days to myself and have had a message asking if there is a problem and whether he can fix it, or if there isn't, he'd like to know so he can feel reassured. Everything's always about him and his needs :(

So many Giant red flags. He's controlling, even physically controlling and doesn't respect your body autonomy. He bristles when you mention another man. Run.

If he's driving, he'll hold my hand (I pull away because I don't want us to crash - we had a collision recently and while he wasn't holding my hand at the time, I kept replaying it and thinking it was because he wasn't concentrating on the road and on me instead).

I would have ended it there. Both hands on the wheel.

This is the early days and he's on his best behaviour and showing this many red flags. There's more and you don't want to see them.

Do a Clare's Law check before you break up with him.

Put off seeing him until you get the results. You're busy with a work thing, a friend needs support, that sort of thing.

Maybe do a Clare’s Law disclose request to the police.
He won’t find out about it.
If he has a reported past they will tell you if there is anything you need to know and give advice where required as to how you safely extricate yourself.
if he has no reported history perhaps fall on your sword and say it’s not working it’s you, you can’t give him all the attention he needs and he deserves someone who can. Basically make out you’re not good enough for him and don’t want to hamper his future happiness and push him away that way, but be determined

How do I do this safely without being identified? I don't get the impression he is abusive, but he has mentioned quite a few short-term relationships with women which ended after a shortish period of time. He said it's because they wanted children and he can't have them, but I'm guessing now it was because he was overbearingly clingy and it might have been the easiest way for them to get out as they would have known from the start he couldn't have children.

He is charming and everyone is so happy I've found someone

Wouldn’t make any difference if he also had a chocolate knob and shat rainbows. You don’t have to stay with someone because they can turn on the charm or because it makes your friends happy.

He’s creepy, needy, controlling and you’ve got the ick. Bin him off.

Why can’t he have children?

A man who looks at other women this early in the relationship - wow. That is awful.

Go with your gut OP. Physically stopping you from reading as well!

Being good with communication / having good social skills are just surface things / behaviour you can learn that don’t tell you about the real him.

He sounds creepy and will soon be repulsive. Run!

Beware the charming man, as my Mother used to say.

"He bristles every time I mention a male friend or another man platonically"

This is the bit that really stood out for me. Olympic-sized red flag there. He's already far to needy and touchy-feely, and it looks like he's the controlling, jealous type as well. All that nonsense about him looking at other women and thinking you were the best one - that is the start of him trying to make you feel insecure and worried that he'll find someone else.

Of course this might not be true in his case, but I've known two friends get pregnant after being told "he can't have children" and therefore agreeing to sex without a condom.

Stopping you from reading is not going to get better.

Run for the hills as they say…

I met someone like this doing online dating quite a few years ago now. He turned into a stalker when I dumped him which was very frightening.

I hope you use condoms. He could have just said he couldn't have dc to avoid using anything..
But ltb anyway.

Yes you’re settling. You don’t need a single reason to not want to be with someone, let alone the whole list you’ve given.

You obviously don’t match and you need to end it.

Stop settling for less than because you don’t want to upset a man.

Put yourself and your feelings first.

Nope. Prise this one off and chuck it back. Ick

I dont think your over reacting, it just sounds like how I feel / have felt. After my divorce i was single for a while and I got used to my own space, my own time to do what I wanted for myself. Now, trying to have any relationship doesnt work becos i value my alone time too much and any potential relationship wants to snatch all or most of my free time and I end up getting the ick and wishing I was single.

The solution for me is to just have friends, and not get into any relationship. I have my own time which I love and I wont give it up 😎

This is my worry as I've also attracted people like this before - I need to find a way to extricate myself from it all safely and calmly. Tbh if he's looking at other women this much, he'll hopefully have no problem moving on asap but he seems obsessed that I'm the most amazing person he's ever met and he's never felt this way about someone before - it's all too much :(

This is exactly how I feel! I just love being alone and am too used to doing everything the way I want it and when I want it - I would struggle in any relationship I think, but especially one like this which is really suffocating.

He got into a strop because I wanted to sleep in another bed from him (he snores, it's too hot and I was on my period) but he made it all about him feel rejected and insecure. I've always hated sleeping in a bed with anyone but even more so after having been single for so many years.

I would do a Clare’s Law check as others have said. I did actually contact the police about my stalker and told them where he lived. I also told him that I got back with my ex and that seemed to work in the end.