Am I overreacting about a clingy and possibly controlling new partner?

[soupertruper]

I've been seeing someone for a few months I met unexpectedly after having been happily single for a long time. Lately I've been finding more and more things about that put me off and I don't know if I'm overreacting.

He needs to be touched nearly all the time - if I'm reading a book, he'll grab my hand (which means I can't read so I pull it away). If he's driving, he'll hold my hand (I pull away because I don't want us to crash - we had a collision recently and while he wasn't holding my hand at the time, I kept replaying it and thinking it was because he wasn't concentrating on the road and on me instead). He bristles every time I mention a male friend or another man platonically.

I also keep catching him looking at other women - he says he looks at everyone but it really winds me up. We went to a new city and he came back saying he looked at every woman and I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen. I know it's a compliment but it just gives me the ick. I feel suffocated as I can't even have a day without him texting me or asking to meet.

There are many nice things about him - he texts me and is good with communication, obviously cares for me, tells me how much he adores me (though he was was very to say the l-word), but I just feel like I'm settling for someone who's this clingy and borderline controlling.

He is charming and everyone is so happy I've found someone, but I think I want to get out but I'm not sure I'm overreacting.

www.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/cl/triage/v2/request-information-under-clares-law/

Will he know that I've carried out the check whether it comes back with something or not?

My instincts are to just get out but I need to find the right reason so it's a clear-cut end without leaving space for him to have any hope of rekindling things. Not sure if a slow fade or abrupt end is better as he's already suspecting something is up as I haven't seen him in 2 days and haven't been texting as much.

Wow, he looked at every woman ??? He’s very strange and sounds obsessed with you.

He was looking to see if he could 'find a woman more beautiful than me' but apparently he couldn't - ughh I know he was trying to be sweet but it just gave me the ick massively.

What's a fool-proof way to end things in terms of giving him a reason? I know what he's like and will need one otherwise he'll fixate on trying to make it work. Ideally I'd like to to be honest and say you're clingy and suffocating me, but I know that's not wise.

I suppose what really is important is how he reacts when you tell him to stop

if he sulks or gets the hump and needs lots if reassurance - get rid

if he us cool with getting to know your boundaries - keeper ( possibly)

OP, this doesn't sound sweet to me..

You’re better off to do it quickly as a slow fade will give them hope.

Could you say you’ve met someone else?

My stalking incident happened before Clare’s Law came into effect but have a read of this thread on the PoliceUk Reddit thread.
https://www.reddit.com/r/policeuk/s/OUr058ds4x

"What's a fool-proof way to end things in terms of giving him a reason?"

your first text could be
"I've realised this is not working for me"

when he replies "we can fix it etc ...."

your second text would then be
"I've made my decision, it is not up for negotiation" then block?

Definitive or too harsh @soupertruper?

He is charming and everyone is so happy I've found someone

I feel like charming is something you do, not something you are. It's a deliberate attempt to win someone over, usually as an act of manipulation.

I would just tell him that it's not working for you.

I'd definitely do a Clare's Law request. He won't be able to find out you've done it.

It's not you, it's me. I'm not going to be seeing you anymore, do not contact me again.

You give him nothing to argue with.

You know those guys who say it's not you, it's me? They're trying to let you down gently but not giving you space to argue. If he doesn't accept that, then you escalate. You have to be prepared to go nuclear when guys won't accept your boundaries.

There's nothing foolproof except having very strong boundaries. Be clear you're not going to see him again and you won't change your mind. If he doesn't take no for an answer, block him. If he shows up, tell him to leave you alone or you call the police. Don't let him in, don't let him keep calling.

Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

I'm not UK so hopefully someone who is can tell you more about the process. It's something I do wish we had. Good luck.

There's no borderline about it.
You've answered your own question.
Leave now before it gets unpleasant.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Clare’s law request does seem sensible but I don’t know how long it takes?
I would arrange to meet in a public place plenty of people around and easy access to your car. Or ask a friend to come/ be nearby so you’re not alone.
id say to him he’s a nice person but you have realised you don’t want a relationship . Be clear so there’s no way he could think you might change your mind and then leave. Dont get in to a debate about it. Then if he messages send one message reiterating what you said face to face and then block him.
obviously if he does anything else ring the police

i did a Claire’s law once. They told me it takes 5-10 days. They do not find out you’ve done it. It was really quick though, less than 10 days but it was 2 years ago so I can’t really remember.

you just tell him it’s not working and you block. It’s not up for negotiation.

Don't be alone with him again
Message to say it's time to call it a day.
If property has to be retrieved ensure beefy brother is present.
Don't take any chances.
These sort can be unstable and turn nasty.
Clare law is not needed. You want rid of him either way.
And just became hasn't got any recorded form doesn't mean he's safe.
Keep your distance.
All the best.

I used the 'I've decided that I need to be alone to heal myself' line.

It's hard for them to counteract because they can't say 'you don't need to heal' (you're actually healing from them) because it's not their opinion to give. And if he starts trying to argue about your need to be alone then he's not a person you want to be around anyway.

You just keep repeating it, even if he comes back with 'what can I do to help?' or 'I can help you heal'. 'I need to be alone.'

I don't know if anything is fool-proof with someone like him. What might be the thing he is least likely to be able to challenge is saying that you've been thinking and realised that you really want children. That is what he said is the cause of his previous break ups so, if he has any integrity at all, he should be able to accept this deal breaker again.

Put your foot down and tell him you want to meet up once or twice a week. And don't let him try to move in with you.

Look at your language where you initially describe why you’re with him - it’s all about how he communicates well, adores you, texts you, (what he does for you) and how he comes across but nothing about ‘I find him really sexy / interesting / handsome / funny’, I adore him.

Are you with him because he seemed ok and you’ve settled?

Send a message saying you no longer want to be in a relationship with him. State your mind is made up, and you won’t change your mind , ask him not to try. If he responds more than once remind him you asked him not to, then block. Hopefully that will be an end to it.

If he turns up at your home, work or attempts to bypass the phone block then take action immediately. A decent man will not do this.

Make sure your contraception is rock solid.

I'd tell him (by text message, not in person) that you no longer want to be in a relationship with him, nor do you want further contact (the latter is important in case he starts to harass you - you've been clear from the start and there's a paper/tech trail). Then block.

Remember, just because he's clingy in a relationship with you, doesn't mean the clingy behaviour will stop once it's over. Ensure he's blocked on all platforms, don't answer withheld numbers, set up screening on incoming calls (my iPhone does this, I'm not sure about other devices).

Be overly cautious, more than you think. Change all passwords, consider getting a Ring doorbell if he knows your address.

I don't think I'd wait for a Claire's law request come through, put one in and get rid of the limpet in the meantime.

No he will not be informed. It would be a strange kind of protective measure if they informed the man they were doing it!