Am I overreacting about a clingy and possibly controlling new partner?

[soupertruper]

I've been seeing someone for a few months I met unexpectedly after having been happily single for a long time. Lately I've been finding more and more things about that put me off and I don't know if I'm overreacting.

He needs to be touched nearly all the time - if I'm reading a book, he'll grab my hand (which means I can't read so I pull it away). If he's driving, he'll hold my hand (I pull away because I don't want us to crash - we had a collision recently and while he wasn't holding my hand at the time, I kept replaying it and thinking it was because he wasn't concentrating on the road and on me instead). He bristles every time I mention a male friend or another man platonically.

I also keep catching him looking at other women - he says he looks at everyone but it really winds me up. We went to a new city and he came back saying he looked at every woman and I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen. I know it's a compliment but it just gives me the ick. I feel suffocated as I can't even have a day without him texting me or asking to meet.

There are many nice things about him - he texts me and is good with communication, obviously cares for me, tells me how much he adores me (though he was was very to say the l-word), but I just feel like I'm settling for someone who's this clingy and borderline controlling.

He is charming and everyone is so happy I've found someone, but I think I want to get out but I'm not sure I'm overreacting.

GIANT RED FLAGS

The more you post the more I think ‘run, run!!’ Personally I’d avoid giving the reason as his behaviour because he might then plague you with promises to change etc.

You could go for a simple, ‘I was happily single for a while before I met you and I’ve realised I do not want a relationship right now’. That’s a difficult one to argue with.

I suggest getting a video doorbell and also either ending it on the phone or if not, do it in a public place (not at either of your homes).

I don't think I'd wait for a Claire's law request come through, put one in and get rid of the limpet in the meantime.

I would agree, but this guy sounds like there could be something unhinged there and she needs to be prepared to handle a breakup differently if there's anything seriously concerning, which hopefully not.

I'm sure you are gorgeous but he wasn't trying to be sweet....he was trying to make you feel insecure! Because he's insecure!

I like your Mother 😁

I don't have anything useful to add in terms of how to get rid of him or the Clare's Law part BUT a lot of this behaviour sounds horrribly familiar from him. I had the same from an ex (female) and at the time knew nothing at all about red flags and narcs. It took me a LONG time to get away from her and she was awfully abusive in every way.

Nobody would ever believe it though, she was happy, generous, smiley and all-round wonderful to everyone who knew her. Behind closed doors it was a different story. I'm glad you and everyone else here sees the potential for the unhinged to come out. I thought I was lucky to have found someone so wonderful, tactile and loving 😬

Good luck, I hope he doesn't give you any trouble.

You don't need to do a Clare's law request and you certainly don't need to wait for the results of one.

Listen to your gut, to your own unhappiness, and ditch the guy.

How about this text….

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I don’t think we’re the right fit for each other. You’ve been kind to me, and I know you care about me, but I’ve realised that this relationship isn’t making me feel the way I want a relationship to feel. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us for me to continue when I know my feelings aren’t where they need to be.
I genuinely wish you all the best, but I think it’s best that we end things here. I hope you can respect my decision, as I’ve thought about it carefully.”

You’ve only been dating him for a few months and absolutely don’t owe him anything.

If you do choose to do a Clare’s Law, the police absolutely won’t tell him as the aim is to make women safer. However, you could just proceed with the assumption that he’s not going to respond well if you end things and proceed accordingly. Don’t be alone with him, change and locks/ passwords if there is any risk he has these, consider staying with a friend temporarily. Remember, you don’t owe him anything so don’t let him draw you into long discussions/ meetings/ explanations. You can just tell him you don’t want to be in a relationship any longer.

Run and don’t look back.

Block. Delete.

Oh lord, that old chestnut.
No condom cos 'I'm a jaffa, seedless innit'

The reality is that you won't be able to control his reaction. So whatever reason you give, he's going to push back and try to convince you otherwise. So I don't think it matters much. If it's still quite a new relationsip, I would consider just saying something like, "I'm really sorry but as this relationship has develoepd I've realised that my feelings for you just aren't as strong as they need to be for a long-term relationship and that from my perspective, we just don't have enough in common. Your'e a great man, but you're not the man for me and I think it's best to cut ties now before this gets any more serious or any more feelings are involved."

The tricky bit is that you probably feel you should do that in person or at least on a call, and you probably dont' want to do that because of ho wyou think he will react. If you feel you MUST do it verbally, do it on a call and be very clear in your own head abou your message. It doesn't matter WHAT he says or asks or begs, your message is:

1. You don't have feelings for him that you need for a long term relationship
2. You don't want to keep trying to develop feelings that aren't already there.
3. He's a good person, but not the person for you.

You don't need to give specific examples. this is how you FEEL. Nothing you do, or he does, will change that.

"But what can I do differently to make you love me more?" A: "Honestly, there's nothing you can do. I've just realised this is how I feel and it's not changing."

And also be clear in your own head over how long you will entertain this converation. I'd go with no more than a few minutes. Then hvae a line prepared, "Dick, I know this is hard to hear, and I'm sorry for that. But I can't keep repeating myself. It is what I feel and it's not changing. I'm going to put the phone down now. good luck with finding the right woman." Then put the phone down.

Ickkkk

NEVER believe a man who tells you he’s infertile. Never.

Write a list of the reasons why it's over for you. Then read it over and over, so it's imprinted onto your brain. Then tell him it's over, there is no chance whatsoever to change your mind, and make sure that he removes anything from your house so there is no excuse for further contact. Change your locks if you think he would have had chance to copy a key. If you don't have one, get a Ring doorbell and place a camera inside facing your back door/windows so you can see if he turns up. Men like this won't take a break up well, so be very prepared.

This!

Definitely time to end it. You’re realising he’s not the man for you.

That's what you're concerned with? 🤔

Op he sounds horrific. Dump!

From previous bitter experience, I’d use as few words as possible “I don’t want to continue this relationship” - no reason needs to be given - and make it very clear that your decision is not up for debate. Definitely do it by text. Write off anything of yours at his, arrange a drop off at a neutral place ideally without interaction/ use a friend to return anything he might have at yours. get locks changed if needs be. Don’t block in case threats are made and if they are, take them seriously. Threats of harm to himself you can ignore along with any flying monkey mutuals he may seek to use to intervene. He sounds so like my deeply deeply disturbed ex. Clare’s Law might be useful as said above to know what reaction might be coming your way but do get yourself into the position to send the message asap.

@soupertruper OP this is the best message to send, he has no other in to reply on. Whatever you do don’t meet him!

I would wait until I got the full disclosure from the Police though just in case my response needs to be different after having the conversation with the Police. They may even have suggestions on the best way to break up.

He does not sound like a normal guy at all, he is just giving red flag 🚩 after red flag 🚩 and that is scary as you haven’t even been going out that long.

So many red flags and your positives don't seem like positives in this context

I imagined it was a ruse for unprotected sex, possibly trapping her with a miracle pregnancy or exposing her to diseases.

He sounds awful. Demanding and controlling and needy. Yuk!

And the "infertile" line sounds like a way to trap you, because of course you would have to have his Miracle Baby. I wouldn't believe a word of it.

Dump as soon as you can and keep away from him. Any man that tries to come between a woman and her books is a bad 'un.

Text him and tell him you’re not feeling it, that you are setting him free to find someone new, then run for the hills and don’t look back.