In tormoil whether to give him a second chance or not…

[crackadawn]

Been with partner 3 years, live together. He’s a very good partner, the best I’ve had, kind, gorgeous, great with my older children, wholesome, healthy, we enjoy the simple things, he doesn’t drink so we walk, eat well, jump in the camer and explore. He’s never once shouted, sworn, been cruel. He’s lovely.

Something is missing, I’m not sure what, he’s literally the fittest thing I’ve ever laid eyes on, sex is great, conversation flows, but it all just seems abit boring someone, I think I’ve always gone for humour over looks. My ex’s (albeit both of them huge twats) made me laugh a lot and that’s how I fell in love with them. However both turned out to be abusive and one ended up in prison for harming me. Hence current very nice and caring partner feels safe.

All this however came to its knees about 4 weeks ago….

A little bit of history he doesn’t drink because he’s in recovery and has been for 9 years now. I’m ok with that I think it’s courageous. He also had a problem with cocaine in his 20s (13 years clean).

A few weeks ago he breaks down and says he has a confession, he visited a brothel. (Fucking shoot me now, I’ve been here before). I tell him to leave, he’s does quietly and very upset.

Weeks have now passed and he’s had to do a lot of soul searching to try and work out his behaviour. In this past month, he’s paid to see psychiatrist, psychologist and been the GP. He says I am the love of his life and he just can’t understand were this self sabotage as come from. He’s been diagnosed with ADHD and CPTSD from childhood trauma (mainly issues around his father’s rejection and mother’s abandonment). Basically he feels unlovable, very low self esteem, his visit was a form of him rejecting me, self harm and sabotage. Because of his now clear mind / moral compass from his time in AA and the 12 steps he had to fess up. He states it wasn’t sex, it was disgusting, he hated himself before, during and after. The whole thing was gross unloving and disgusting. I can believe this.

His mother believes this was a cry for help and that he truly does love me. He’s doing everything a remorseful man should.

I truly believe he’ll never do this again, he’s sticking with the therapy, starting meds and says he’ll forever work on being a better man and healing the inner child stuff.

This is my 3rd long term partner, each of them has cheated. I let the others go instantly however this just feels more complex.

Question is do I stay for a happy quiet life or do I start afresh.

There’s part of me that can imagine growing old with him, that he’ll care for me and my children. But a part of me that thinks is there more out there? Is there better? Or am I holding out for a fairy tale.

No. Do not stay with him. He cheated on you. With a prostitute. End of. And if it is due to mental health crisis...just wait until the next one, and the next.

No. Something was missing before and you'll never trust him again.

Work on yourself - you could be happy on your own or be happy with a partner without problems.

I wouldn't get back together as he seems very troubled and probably needs years of therapy.

Sorry it's gone wrong again.

It's a no from me.

Don't.

So he's got a sob-story.

But he's an alcoholic, drug-user and now a punter. He claims all that's in the past and due to this and that. But it seems like he's trying all the vices and addictions to me, which one is he going to pick up next?

You have children. If he relapses, it's not just you that it affects.

If it was you on your own, then whatever, run what risks you like, believe in the addict, take a chance on his rehabilitation.

But you are not on your own, you have dependents. You have no business bringing that risk into your kids lives.

If something was missing before, it will be missing now in a much more profound way.

Walk away.
Please.

How utterly, utterly disgusting. There would be no way I would ever touch anyone who had done such a thing, nor could I find them remotely attractive.

He’s not a good man.
The ‘escort’ he saw could possibly be a victim of trafficking and he has paid to use her body like a peace of meat.
I’d have understood a relapse a bit more and even then it would be tough, but nowhere near as disgusting as paying for sex.
Do yourself a favour. Stay on your own for a while. This man is doing all the ‘right’ things but I couldn’t look at him.

I'm not sure you'll be staying for a quiet happy life... whatever the underlying cause (excuse), you'll be staying to a life where the boundaries are constantly pushed, where you're the one solely responsible for upholding them, and never have real trust, a life where self sabotage and rejection crop up each time a mental health crisis arises. You and your kids will live a life never knowing whether it's the kind/nice version of him or the sabotaging version of him you'll be getting that day. Base your actions on reality, not promises. Don't silence/sacrifice yourself in support of him- value yourself with equal weight in your decisions...

If he can't stay faithful, he's not ready to be in a relationship- he needs to heal himself to a point where he can live within reasonable boundaries, then look for a partner- it's not your job to fix him and his good intentions certainly won't fix him overnight if his trauma is so bad he can't stop himself from sleeping with prostitutes.

What example do you want to set your kids? Would you want to show them that it's ok for someone to be that disrespectful to them in a relationship or would you want to show them how to value themselves, even if that's painful?

Sending hugs in a crap situation...

He cheated on you, deliberately and in a planned way. He bought consent to do so.
You don't have to tolerate being cheated on.
Separate, let him do work.
How can you have a happy quiet life with this as a foundation stone.

Honestly: let him go. Its not that the lovely partner is “the real” one and the “bad” partner isn’t real. They are both him and he needs to figure it out without you there as the prize for masking successfully.

Also I simply don't believe that any man who cheats using prostitutes has a claim to a clear moral compass. It is a ridiculous claim.

No! I feel no need (unusually) to soften this answer with any ifs and buts. Just no, you should not give him a second chance. He not only cheated on you, but he visited a prostitute, which speaks VOLUMES about how much respect he has for women in general. He is a disgusting pig. Throw the trash out. His mother and her 'cry for help' baby boy can look after each other.

Hell no! In the first half of your post you said he was a nice man but something was missing for you. I thought you were going to say you’d binned him off for being too boring and were now regretting it. However, when you said he’d visited a brothel, that’s a complete dealbreaker. You did the right thing in binning him off. He’s a dirty cheat and you deserve better. No coming back from that in my view.

I’d be wondering what makes you seek out “excitement” in your relationship. You say this one was the best you’ve ever had, but was lacking something and boring. I wonder if you’re used to “loving” relationships being unsafe and so you subconsciously look for an edge of some kind to bring excitement?

That pattern is relevant here because he’s home from being safe and boring, to unsafe and possibly exciting in all the wrong ways. Rather than worrying about what he’s doing, give yourself some space from any relationship for a while, spend some time thinking about the messages you got about relationships growing up, and what safety in a relationship means to you - therapy can help you explore that.

Once you’ve done that work, I think you’ll know what you need to do here.

No no no no no no. No.

He has an addictive personality and that won't change. You were not put on this earth to fix him, and he is not your responsibility. Oh, and isn't it amazing just how many of these poor men deal with their trauma by shoving their dick into another woman.

Dump him.

Nope. He cheated on you. The excuses and sob story don't really excuse it.

He told his mother about this??!!

I actually thought until I got to the part about his mother that you were my friend, because I am waiting for the call that WILL come one day that her partner has done something like this again. Very similar circumstances to your own, very similar. She would write exactly what you've written here.
She has had a history of deeply awful partners and therefore thinks that 10 red flags instead of 50 is a good guy, its so sad to see as she really is a catch.
Im not saying that you arent being objective, but everyone around my friends DP knows he will do it again. He is genuinely good to her, in the way she knows good, but he himself is a selfish, careless man who will manipulate you as easy as breathing.

You dont need this man to have a good life, but he could easily turn your life into a bad one.

Thanks everyone, there’s not many people who know in real life bar his mum and my best friend and they both are very much sympathetic to us both and him so it’s really interesting reading all your perspectives.

He talks daily about his therapy and how much he’s learning, how safe and loved I will be forever, etc and it’s very conflicting to listen to. I feel like I’m this constant pendulum, I’m either hot or cold.

I’ve told him we are over, he’s begged me not to put the nails in the coffin, I said ok you get yourself better and we’ll see. But I don’t think I can cope in this middle ground. With his constant pleading eyes, with all the tears.

i do have so so much empathy for him, I know it sounds like excuses but some of the stuff that has come out about his childhood is jaw dropping. He really does have a lot to unpick. But everyone’s confident he can.

However, I don’t want to have a life of worry, watching him for triggers, being scared of him disregarding me again.

”he needs to figure it out without me being there as the prize for masking successfully” I like that @pikkumyy77

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you… I have tried to pin point what was missing. I wondered if there’s something in me that requires to be kept on my toes. I was married for 15 years and he was all along abit of an emotionally closed person, but we have children, a great social circle and a financially comfortable life, however once everything was stripped away me and him were never right, we weren’t even friends really, nothing wrong but nothing right. I then found out he had a taste for prostitutes so it was my get out of jail free card. Then a 3 year relationship with a very fun, chaotic man who made my belly ache with laughter on a daily basis but after leaving the armed forces got into trouble with drink and drugs and ended up becoming violent. Then my current partner comes on the scene and it’s just peace, I wondered what it was that was missing, he was consistent, intelligent, calm and healthy and wondered if internally my body just didn’t register this as love. But the good was too good to let up so he’s stayed. Then this 🥴 I think what is missing is a social life (maybe his sobriety plays a part here), he’s also abit serious, we smile and giggle but he’s not lol funny, and definitely no spontaneity / excitement. I’ve voiced this to my friend throughout the years and she’s stated everyone would be boring after (2nd relationship) and life is boring. So I bedded down and accepted him, the safe one.

Cry for help my arse.

That was on me, she was messaging me/ visiting / calling me and I was struggling act normal with her so said he has to tell her something. It was maybe a week after and he sat down with her, they’ve had some very deep chats about his past which I think was needed for them both.

Err, it's difficult to know whether someone with previous mental trauma is able to control certain aspects of their behaviour, i'm not suggesting that he didn't know what he was doing by the way but going to a brothel seems weird especially if he was having steak at home so to speak, not sure i can get my head around that, i guess the bottom line is that it's still cheating, something i find absolutely disgusting.

The slightly more worrying bit is you're kind of suggesting that maybe you're bored of him, and if you're doubting whether he's right for you maybe it's time to split, if you're staying with him because he's the 'safe' option then my guess is that it will end at some point anyway.

No. He could have backed out at any time.
If you forgive him , what next ?