In tormoil whether to give him a second chance or not…

[crackadawn]

Been with partner 3 years, live together. He’s a very good partner, the best I’ve had, kind, gorgeous, great with my older children, wholesome, healthy, we enjoy the simple things, he doesn’t drink so we walk, eat well, jump in the camer and explore. He’s never once shouted, sworn, been cruel. He’s lovely.

Something is missing, I’m not sure what, he’s literally the fittest thing I’ve ever laid eyes on, sex is great, conversation flows, but it all just seems abit boring someone, I think I’ve always gone for humour over looks. My ex’s (albeit both of them huge twats) made me laugh a lot and that’s how I fell in love with them. However both turned out to be abusive and one ended up in prison for harming me. Hence current very nice and caring partner feels safe.

All this however came to its knees about 4 weeks ago….

A little bit of history he doesn’t drink because he’s in recovery and has been for 9 years now. I’m ok with that I think it’s courageous. He also had a problem with cocaine in his 20s (13 years clean).

A few weeks ago he breaks down and says he has a confession, he visited a brothel. (Fucking shoot me now, I’ve been here before). I tell him to leave, he’s does quietly and very upset.

Weeks have now passed and he’s had to do a lot of soul searching to try and work out his behaviour. In this past month, he’s paid to see psychiatrist, psychologist and been the GP. He says I am the love of his life and he just can’t understand were this self sabotage as come from. He’s been diagnosed with ADHD and CPTSD from childhood trauma (mainly issues around his father’s rejection and mother’s abandonment). Basically he feels unlovable, very low self esteem, his visit was a form of him rejecting me, self harm and sabotage. Because of his now clear mind / moral compass from his time in AA and the 12 steps he had to fess up. He states it wasn’t sex, it was disgusting, he hated himself before, during and after. The whole thing was gross unloving and disgusting. I can believe this.

His mother believes this was a cry for help and that he truly does love me. He’s doing everything a remorseful man should.

I truly believe he’ll never do this again, he’s sticking with the therapy, starting meds and says he’ll forever work on being a better man and healing the inner child stuff.

This is my 3rd long term partner, each of them has cheated. I let the others go instantly however this just feels more complex.

Question is do I stay for a happy quiet life or do I start afresh.

There’s part of me that can imagine growing old with him, that he’ll care for me and my children. But a part of me that thinks is there more out there? Is there better? Or am I holding out for a fairy tale.

Oh just tell him to fuck off back to the “brothel” [vom]

I’ve voiced this to my friend throughout the years and she’s stated everyone would be boring after (2nd relationship) and life is boring. So I bedded down and accepted him, the safe one.

You make it sound like you've been with this guy for ages, but you've been together only 3 years. That is not long. Your perception of a long relationship is off.

He's clearly not the person you thought he was, and he is not "safe". He's demonstrated this to you. You're only just seeing the real him.

A recovering alcoholic, prior drug user is never a "safe" bet.

And the biggest thing to know about addicts, is that they lie.

You may have had more abusive partners in the past, but it doesn't mean you should settle for someone with these kinds of issues who cheated on you, who planned out and deliberately went to a brothel to pay a possibly trafficked woman for sex.

I’ve got a problem with alcohol (dry for 3 years now), I have ADHD and CPTSD from childhood trauma. Newsflash…I’ve never felt the urge to visit a sex worker. I’m so sick and tired of people using MH problems/ND as an excuse for poor behaviour.

I'm wondering why he told you about the prostitute. Did you tell him you had split from your ex because he was using prostitutes?

No. Don’t stay with him!

Walk away.
He's a disgusting creature.
If he thought anything of you he wouldn't have done it.

I never go and sit on a gigolos face everytime I feel a bit low.
He's testing you to see if he can get away with bad behaviour.
He'd be out of my door on the toe of my boot. Appalling behaviour.

You’ve been with him for 3 years and live together. Did he move in to your home? If so then he can move out again.
You aren’t his therapist, there’s far too much going on and you’ve already said there’s something missing between you; surely this latest revelation is definitely the final
nail?
He sounds like a fraud, it’s all just a cover of the slimeball he is and I wouldn’t be surprised if other things come out.
You would never be able to trust him again anyway!

Would he forgive you and want you back if you had paid to have sex with another man? It's pathetic that men expect to be forgiven for acts they'd never forgive women for doing.

He's a loser, and if it's not one thing it will be another. It will always be the same. Surely you must be aware of that?

Get rid of him and value yourself.

Oh god I thought you were deciding whether to give him s second chance because he was a bit boring.

Fuck that shit OP, this man needs a life time of therapy and you need someone stable. Wouldn't surprise me at all if 10 years down the line it turned out he had a personality disorder of one kind or another. Stop going for people with a history of serious issues would be my advice.

Start afresh and move on. You're in a pattern of opting for men with problems and trying to make them sound like they've got redeeming features. Same old shit, just looks and sounds different.

His mother believes this was a cry for help and that he truly does love me.

Is this the mother that abandoned him? Is he staying with her after leaving your place, by any chance?

Why would you put stock in what she says?

How could you even contemplate taking back a sleaze who’s had sex with a prostitute? He’s told you all you need to know. Lots of people have trauma. It doesn’t make them bad people.

A decent man would not be regretting it and apologising as he’d not do it in the first place.

It's a no from me.

Sorry OP but there's always some excuse, it's always 'complex' and not their fault.

He chose to do this. He went and paid a probably vulnerable young woman for sex. There is no excuse. Lots of people have childhood trauma, low self esteem etc and don't cheat on their partners with sex workers.

He's an addict and he will always be an addict. He may have stopped drinking and using recreational drugs but the tendency towards thrill seeking/addictive behaviour is still there and always will be.

I can tell from your post that you want to believe him that his trauma is responsible for his disgusting behaviour and that you truly want to believe that he'll never do this again. But I have to say, if you take him back, you're a fool. There are decent men out there that don't do stuff like this. The fact that all 3 of your long term relationships have involved abusive/cheating men with issues makes me wonder if you're gravitating towards these types for some reason? Maybe having some therapy yourself is a good idea?

My thoughts entirely. He wanted to have sex with a prostitute, so that’s what he did. I’m trying to remember which celebrity was ‘diagnosed’ with a sex addiction, needing some dreadfully expensive therapy!

But he's an alcoholic, drug-user and now a punter. He claims all that's in the past and due to this and that. But it seems like he's trying all the vices and addictions to me, which one is he going to pick up next?

And he’s not quite as perfect as initially described

There’s always a pity party sob story.

I think it’s simply testing boundaries. Checking to see how much you’ll put up with.

Meds, therapy etc etc - he can do all this. But he still did what he did. He can’t take that back.

I would just move on.

It’s very abusive to be crying at you over a decision he made. It’s manipulative and emotionally blackmailing - he’s trying to wear you down. You’ve told him you need space and to see what happens, if he was truly remorseful he’d accept that and give you what you need. He may well be working through his stuff, but you can’t be expected to support him through this when he’s dropped a bombshell on you.

Sums it up. You are not there to fix damaged men, you deserve more op. Dump.

He sounds like a disaster zone.

And his mother knows he used a prostitute? And did drugs and excess drink?

Is there anything he hasn't done? Crimbo record for something nasty?

I doubt other women would queue up for him as a life partner...

Never choose a fixer-upper.

I think it might be you that needs to change. You need to "fix your picker". The reasons why you choose certain people, and exit a relationship. Your first you say you knew you weren't compatible and his visiting a brothel gave you a "get out of jail card". The second did something that was so bad you didn't have a choice. The third - has done enough, even without you already thinking something was missing. If you aren't all in, which it sounds like you aren't, then the two of you have no hope of navigating this.

You can feel empathy for him, I suppose. That doesn't mean you have to stay together. You can't fix him. As someone else said, there is a pattern to your behaviour, the people you choose, the behaviour you accept, the expectations you have. If you don't work on this, you will forever choose the wrong people.

Thanks again for all the clarity. I think time out is needed, I’ve never actually been on my own.

I too have childhood trauma relating to my alcoholic mother, which maybe why I have found myself is this situation again, her hot and cold nature, the eggshells, probably something in that.

i have always wanted therapy but scares me… too many Pandora’s boxes

He has cheated on you and thinks it's ok to buy someone's body for their gratification. What happens next time he feels a bit stressed / upset?

I honestly think you'd be better off on your own.