Am I unreasonable to keep my partner's children at a distance? or is it best to leave?

[Sarahh1971]

Hello everyone, really sorry to post again but kind of stuck who to talk to and you have all been amazing...

I posted yesterday about family issues with my current partner, where I basically just feel an outsider to his son who is 17, his daughter who is 23 and his family who are very different to mine and quite out there. I dont have children. Im in my mid 50's.

His daughter has never been over to my house, in the 2 years we have been together, I live with my partner, due to the fact she was very rude in the past, her boyfriend is currently in AA and is verbally nasty towards the family so I havent invited her over as he's part of it, until things have calmed down and we have built a relationship, but am I being unreasonable?

Its for this reason I have detached more over the last few months and he sees them as much as he can which they all enjoy and he has formed a deeper close relationship with his daughter which Im really pleased about, the same with his son, however he is not always reliable with his commitments and changes his mindset on a daily/weekly basis when he wants to see his dad. He's a teenager right lol.

What my partner is struggling with is the non relationship I have with his children, which was mentioned last night in our rows and his family too.Its not that I am not nice, I am just civil and pleasant/charming.

He said that its my fault his relationship with is children are suffering. because I dont allow them to my house to stay, that I never see them with him, or want to and that I choose to keep this separate. (I am always nice asking how they are, keeping things light but never meet with them as they never want to and they are enjoying their dad time). So what I am doing now is never mentioning his children to keep the peace.

Last night was completely blown up in the air which resulted in myself having to resort to driving in the car for an hour to calm down, he was angry and shouting and saying I can F off and that I am really negative, I am this and I am that, to which I just sat and listened as he wanted to chat but he didnt chat he just blamed.

He said me going off to play tennis with mixed doubles was to wind him up due to his comment about his son. Which was not true I just had a mixed double's tennis match booked weeks ago. Just realised I had it in the diary and he took this personally and it hurt him. The thought of me playing tennis with other men is really what this boils down to. My club is never all female and there are so many men there who play too, he just cant control this other possessive side to him.

I am left sitting here thinking, is this man a bully or is he just always wanting to be the one blaming me. I never stop him seeing his children, in fact I always encourage him to all the time, I also cherish this time to myself.

I dont really want to go along to their football matches or meet up for dinners, his son never talks to me and his daughter is very close to my partners ex, (mother of his son) as well as her own mum, she has no interest in myself or asks about me. I will always be an outsider. My partner is struggling to get my boundaries or my feelings I have never once been rude to any of them. I had a whole year of both exes being nasty towards him on the messages and someone he dated working with him everyday for 6 months until she left. So I think he forgets a lot of drama this family dynamic has caused over the 2 years. Otherwise our relationship together is lovely.

This might be a dealbreaker now for me as it appears to be the crux of our relationship. I have never felt worried before but for the first time in a long time i have thought if he keeps making me feel awful about myself and is always the one over powering me in rows, how can we possibly resolve this?

I can never seem to resolve these, as he asks to talk but then starts finger pointing me whenever I bring up something that upsets me.

He always has this power over me and I resort to crying and walking out, only when we row. I feel completely and utterly powerless, weak and beyond vulnerable.

Im too scared to sit and listen to him because of the overwhelming fear/anger and upset it creates in me I would rather walk away than shout like he does and have time to myself. This always works for me.

As I walked out, he asks me to come back in, says ok lets not talk about it laughs and suggests calling it a clean slate. Im not too sure things work like that? Im not finding this funny. I just want calm/peace and to be left alone.

Sorry feeling a little vulnerable here and kind of lost. I was even contemplating seeing a therapist I feel so odd at present. I am thinking because I dont have this nice feeling of peace with his family and his children, and our rows are like this, is it really worth staying?

Gosh thank you for reading, really am grateful...do you feel its just too much?

Controlling cocklodger, get

If I lived with someone but they wouldn't allow my child in the house I would leave.

What does this man bring to your life?

I have kids of a similar age and their dad is in a new relationship.

at this age my kids are trying to establish themselves in the adult world - one lives in London and has his first job and his first really adult girlfriend. He rarely sees his dad - or me for that matter - because he is living his own life.

it genuinely wouldn’t matter if his dad’s new wife (they are married) had banned him from the house or not, he’s living his own life.

your partner sounds problematic on a number of levels. Expecting you to develop a deep relationship with his basically adult kids is just one symptom of this - they don’t need or want a mum they already have (possibly two by the sound of it) and he should accept that.

You have not made his children welcome
you haven’t acted like the adult in the family dynamics. Children / even adults childen - usually struggle tremendously to accept a new partner and you are applying rational adult principles to them
I don’t think this is right for either of you

Good grief. This useless sack of skin has done fuck all to set boundaries with his loser children and he’s abusive. Gaslighting you because things aren’t working out the way he wants it? Trying to insinuate that you are cheating because you are going to play tennis? Bin him.

I’m not sure to be honest op, I think he’s expecting too much when you’re in an extremely tough situation but at the same time if we were all in the same house and you were just ‘civil’ and your method of dealing with arguments was to walk out- it just makes things harder. You’re together two years, I think deep down you know one way or the other if this can work, I hate that I always come back to if you love each other enough but that’s where you are.

This just doesn't work OP, there are probably 100 different reasons why, some that are his fault and some that are yours - but your biggest mistake was having him move in.

I can't see any reason to stay together.
You've no relationship with his family. You can't communicate with each other. They're both pretty vital things in a long term relationship. Cut your losses now.

Is he really a Good Guy ?
If my dh had ever raised his voice to me he would be an ex..
Raise your bar op.

The realisation when I threw my exh out that I no longer had to deal with his dc and exes was fuckin fantastic!
My only thought was why hasn't i done it sooner.

Same.

But then again, I wouldn't have moved in with someone I'd been with for less than two years.

This thread is quite different to your last one OP, but I think you two should call it quits anyway.

It seems like there are more bad feelings in this relationship than good, due to the toxic attitude of his offspring, .

Now it seems like he is turning against you because you are distancing your self from his kids who are adults and not behaving like it.

The situation seems soul destroying for you.

One thing you may want to do is have a relationship break, for 2 weeks to give you a breather and to give you a much needed break from the controlling nature of your partner so that you can make a choice of wether to end it or not.

If you do descide to go ahead with this, I strongly advise you NOT to tell him the reason for the 14 day break.

The relationship is more than toxic, its corrosive, you need space to get your thoughts and feelings together as right now you are bouncing from one bad experience with him to another bad experience with his family and that tough, really tough.

I've just gone back over your somewhat detailed thread from yesterday OP, where you talk about craving a bond with his family.

But nowhere did you say you won't allow his daughter in yours (and his) house?

No you are right, he isnt and he blames all the exes the last 2 wives for the breaks, takes no responsibility at all which is perhaps the pattern now I am seeing as one mentioned she is no longer scared of him, which I look back now thinking I could have said the same when he shouts during a row. So pleased you did this and have found peace, its that word peace I am constantly seeking!!

I never banned them, but she was really rude to me and said something very nasty which put a real difficulty in place when she wanted to come over with her boyfriend who a month later was verbally rude to my partner and his brother to which he is no longer invited to theirs. So its been tricky. His son however he has been over a few times, last year for example a few times, he lives miles away but he chooses to stay at home, he doesnt like coming over and my partner says its my fault but I have said well if he doesnt want to come over he doesnt have to, I havent said anything to him for him not to want to come over or make him feel unwelcome. He is a sweet kid. So since then he has never come over. Its just hard work to understand the dynamics of 2 kids from 2 families which have broken down for them. Im kind of in limbo with it all.

Even regardless of the issue with his adult kids, I'd be dumping this man over the fact that he tells you to fuck off and kicks off at you because you play mixed doubles tennis. He sounds like a giant arsehole and frankly a bit unstable. I can certainly see why his relationships with his kids are dysfunctional if that's what he's like.

I have found that parents expect the non parent to do all the heavy lifting, make them welcome, let them do as they please, never speak up about things that bother you all the while they barely facilitate a healthy relationship. Parents don’t want to look at their kids adults or otherwise and admit that perhaps they aren’t behaving very nicely, won’t look at the cause just blame the other person with the stock answer of it must be your fault it’s something you’ve done. Kids aren’t always messed up because there’s a new partner it’s because of their parents not being together and neither parent wants to address the elephant in the room. So they pass the buck and you become collateral damage. No biological parent I’ve met can answer what a ‘step parent’ or non parent spouse should be, the expectation is that you will all blend and you will give all of yourself and they need make no efforts.

Small kids are a very different thing but here you have 1 almost adult and an adult. If he can’t be accountable for his own parenting and meet you halfway I’d leave.

Still, it would've been helpful for all those who gave you advice to have known that.

But ultimately if I were you I'd give up on this relationship and try not to rush into living with any future boyfriends so quickly.

Don't date any man who shouts at you and calls you names.

Get him dumped and enjoy the bliss of being rid of men.

What's your housing situation? Rented? Owned? If you rent, I'd give notice. If you own, kick out abusive arsehole dp.

Thank you, thats a really really good idea and it might be what is needed. He is not coming home tonight or this weekend, we have agreed or more like I have asked him for some space. I havent done this before but just sits better. I cant be the one to calm this person down when he cant control his own temper.

We nearly had a car accident last week, because a lady cut him up and he lost it so bad he drove 100 miles an hour to chase her down the road and rage at her and then go in front, then to the side shouting at her, whilst all the time I was crying inside praying not to crash. He was still fuming an hour after whilst we were at the gym I was completely numb for hours after. When I said you nearly killed us, he said she shouldnt have cut me up was all he cared about.

So I know this isnt entirely related to the kids but more about his anger. It is soul destroying it really is,like you said, its like one thing comes up, then another to kind of test many things.

Thank you again.....

I own it, its actually up for sale at the moment so in all fairness maybe thats a good thing!

Apologies and yes makes sense

Dramarama..I find it very hard to relate, which is partly because I've not been in any similar situation and also because I've not been with any man as mean and rude as your partner is. Presumably he isn't this rude generally ?. if he can't have a conversation without starting to swear at you I don't know how you can resolve this. The idea from a PP about a 2 week break might be a good idea. See if you both miss each other much. If you don't miss him, you'll know what you need to do. Good luck :)

It is I know because last night was a very different feel to it and its thrown me, but its been building for a while, his temper just comes up every now and again, not every week but randomly and thats the part which scares me.