Am I unreasonable to keep my partner's children at a distance? or is it best to leave?

[Sarahh1971]

Hello everyone, really sorry to post again but kind of stuck who to talk to and you have all been amazing...

I posted yesterday about family issues with my current partner, where I basically just feel an outsider to his son who is 17, his daughter who is 23 and his family who are very different to mine and quite out there. I dont have children. Im in my mid 50's.

His daughter has never been over to my house, in the 2 years we have been together, I live with my partner, due to the fact she was very rude in the past, her boyfriend is currently in AA and is verbally nasty towards the family so I havent invited her over as he's part of it, until things have calmed down and we have built a relationship, but am I being unreasonable?

Its for this reason I have detached more over the last few months and he sees them as much as he can which they all enjoy and he has formed a deeper close relationship with his daughter which Im really pleased about, the same with his son, however he is not always reliable with his commitments and changes his mindset on a daily/weekly basis when he wants to see his dad. He's a teenager right lol.

What my partner is struggling with is the non relationship I have with his children, which was mentioned last night in our rows and his family too.Its not that I am not nice, I am just civil and pleasant/charming.

He said that its my fault his relationship with is children are suffering. because I dont allow them to my house to stay, that I never see them with him, or want to and that I choose to keep this separate. (I am always nice asking how they are, keeping things light but never meet with them as they never want to and they are enjoying their dad time). So what I am doing now is never mentioning his children to keep the peace.

Last night was completely blown up in the air which resulted in myself having to resort to driving in the car for an hour to calm down, he was angry and shouting and saying I can F off and that I am really negative, I am this and I am that, to which I just sat and listened as he wanted to chat but he didnt chat he just blamed.

He said me going off to play tennis with mixed doubles was to wind him up due to his comment about his son. Which was not true I just had a mixed double's tennis match booked weeks ago. Just realised I had it in the diary and he took this personally and it hurt him. The thought of me playing tennis with other men is really what this boils down to. My club is never all female and there are so many men there who play too, he just cant control this other possessive side to him.

I am left sitting here thinking, is this man a bully or is he just always wanting to be the one blaming me. I never stop him seeing his children, in fact I always encourage him to all the time, I also cherish this time to myself.

I dont really want to go along to their football matches or meet up for dinners, his son never talks to me and his daughter is very close to my partners ex, (mother of his son) as well as her own mum, she has no interest in myself or asks about me. I will always be an outsider. My partner is struggling to get my boundaries or my feelings I have never once been rude to any of them. I had a whole year of both exes being nasty towards him on the messages and someone he dated working with him everyday for 6 months until she left. So I think he forgets a lot of drama this family dynamic has caused over the 2 years. Otherwise our relationship together is lovely.

This might be a dealbreaker now for me as it appears to be the crux of our relationship. I have never felt worried before but for the first time in a long time i have thought if he keeps making me feel awful about myself and is always the one over powering me in rows, how can we possibly resolve this?

I can never seem to resolve these, as he asks to talk but then starts finger pointing me whenever I bring up something that upsets me.

He always has this power over me and I resort to crying and walking out, only when we row. I feel completely and utterly powerless, weak and beyond vulnerable.

Im too scared to sit and listen to him because of the overwhelming fear/anger and upset it creates in me I would rather walk away than shout like he does and have time to myself. This always works for me.

As I walked out, he asks me to come back in, says ok lets not talk about it laughs and suggests calling it a clean slate. Im not too sure things work like that? Im not finding this funny. I just want calm/peace and to be left alone.

Sorry feeling a little vulnerable here and kind of lost. I was even contemplating seeing a therapist I feel so odd at present. I am thinking because I dont have this nice feeling of peace with his family and his children, and our rows are like this, is it really worth staying?

Gosh thank you for reading, really am grateful...do you feel its just too much?

You sound fine OP. You’ve established boundaries and for good reason. That doesn’t work for him as he expects you to mould yourself to suit him, his needs and wants. Even to the extent that he disapproves of your sporting activities. Why are you playing tennis when you could be putting yourself last and helping him facilitate his life?

The road rage. Excellent. That’s enough to end it without getting drawn into why you don’t want to donate your time, energy and focus on his children.

Did you just house him in your own house? So he moved in to yours instead of providing his own place for his children to visit? Get him and his children out of your life. He’ll soon move on and be telling the next one how mad and shit you were. So be it.

He has anger issues. Pure and simple.
The relationship with kids that you have is a red herring here.
You need to get him out of your house and he needs to acknowledge that he has an anger problem and work on that. If he does you can contemplate whether or not you want a relationship but if he does not then you need to end it permanently

Didn’t stop him moving in did it? His children. His responsibility. Why didn’t he provide somewhere for them? Why didn’t HE put them before his relationship? Why does he expect OP to host people who treat her badly?

You can resolve this by dumping him. I wouldnt tolerate this. Live your best live on your own.

This is not fair. He’s a dangerously angry unreasonable man. The only people who ‘bring out the bests’ in such men are doormats who appease them, and strong men who are prepared to flatten them if they step out of line , figuratively or literally. The op is of course neither of these.

"he was angry and shouting and saying I can F off and that I am really negative"

"his temper just comes up every now and again, not every week but randomly and thats the part which scares me."

Is this sort of behaviour acceptable to you OP ^

If not, then you have your answer.

he was a dry and shouting and saying I can F off

This would be a deal breaker for me. He wouldn’t get a second chance to say that to me.

nonsense about your tennis match and then road rage.

good ness, why waste your life with this prince amongst men.

You crave peace because you live with a dangerously angry, threatening man. Driving at 100mph to terrify a female driver over a perceived slight is insane.

You can’t change him. You can only find peace by removing him from your life.

Sorry, I don't think your partner is the problem, I think you are the problem.
In two years you have made zero effort with his children. They aren't welcome where you and he lives, you won't meet them outside of the house, then you wonder why arguments happen.

If you start a relationship with a person who has kids then you need to make the effort with those kids too.

It's disgusting to alienate them.

I think you need to end the relationship and find a childless partner

This.

These arguments are because she doesn't let the children visit, or make the effort with them. Partner has every right to be upset that his kids can visit the home he lives in.

She also refers to the home as her house. She may well own it, but once a partner moves in people usually say our house. The whole terminology the poster uses screams single woman vibes

Based purely on this thread I would tell him you want a break. This will get him out of your house. Then see how you feel. If you feel better then end this relationship.
Basically for your own safety, get him to leave by thinking it’s temporary. Then dump him.
Following a woman fur 100 miles to antagonise her is a serious red flag. No wonder his ex’s speak badly of him, who can blame them.

His poor son. Why did your partner move in with you when he still has a child under 18? Why did you allow it?
Am I missing something here?

He's dangerous Op. you need to get away from him. Phone a women's helpline for advice on how to do it. He hasn't physically harmed you yet but he could, as the driving incident shows.

I agree, but the more serious issue here is the man's controlling and aggressive behaviour.

I wonder if the longer he’s gone the more relaxed you will feel?

He seems to do a lot of telling, expecting and cutting up rough when things don’t go to his liking. Either I’m hugely mistaken but can’t imagine what he brings to your life. The situation with his children will, I feel, be an ongoing unresolved sore point.

Get rid, live your life without him, his demands and family drama.

Im too scared to sit and listen to him because of the overwhelming fear/anger and upset it creates in me I would rather walk away

You are scared. You walk away because you are in the fight or flight part of fear. You own that house so kick out this angry, abusive piece of scum and find that peace again.

This
i have children of my own and have found the role of step parent absolutely thankless. Kids of 15 and 22, but he still needs to be treated like small child who cannot be asked to do anything in the home. Constantly being told you ‘hate his children’ if you are dare to request even the tiniest of common courtesy in your own home. For example, no phones at the dinner table or not keeping the whole house awake still screaming at a PS at 4am.
now we have split I have realised the level of gaslighting, and blaming me for the fact he just doesn’t want to parent, he wants a Disney dad holiday camp. Oh but this is their home and he wants a ‘normal life’.
never ever having to put up with this again fills me with peace and calm

Why do you want any of this OP? I want peace in my life more than anything as I get older. I wouldn’t want a man who has kids with two different people and also worked with an ex. I certainly wouldn’t want him to move in with me. The drama of it all.

You’ve given up your peace & your personal space for this which seems like a huge mistake.

OP’s thread last night was all about how she desperately wanted to build a family unit with DP’s two grown children from his previous marriages, but that the children were pleasant but not interested in forming a bond with her.

The focus of her post was that she’s lonely, very attached to her elderly parents, and worries what she’ll do by way of having a family unit once they die. She said DP was very close with them, and she wanted to form a family bond with them too but they were understandably indifferent, due to already having a mum & step-mum in the picture.

But today, she’s saying the opposite: she says she holds them at arms length, they bring lots of issues, she wants to keep them separate, her OP wants them to be closer etc etc.

So which thread is it OP? This is all mightily bizarre. 🤔

I also wonder whether the adult kids have limited incentive to form a relationship with you as they have different Mums as it is and maybe there have been other women in your partner’s life in between? Perhaps they are tired of investing in new connections.
However - the big red flag is his controlling attitude about your tennis, terrifying road rage and blaming you for things that are not your fault. It is hard to see a positive impact on your life by continuing the relationship.
Definitely take some space. Maybe ask him to move out and go back to ‘dating’ if you still have strong feelings for him - if he is keen enough, he will agree. If not - then there’s your answer….

It is unusual for a live in partner not to be able to invite his family to visit, no matter what you actually think of them as people. If you don't want them to visit at your house, I think he needs to move out of your home and find his own accommodation. Then you and he can decide what the relationship.looks like with his children able to visit him.in his house, while you visit him separately or at the same time , and he comes to stay when it suits you, and then you are back in control of your life and hobbies and own friends, and you can play tennis etc without having to ask' permission '