Am I unreasonable to keep my partner's children at a distance? or is it best to leave?

[Sarahh1971]

Hello everyone, really sorry to post again but kind of stuck who to talk to and you have all been amazing...

I posted yesterday about family issues with my current partner, where I basically just feel an outsider to his son who is 17, his daughter who is 23 and his family who are very different to mine and quite out there. I dont have children. Im in my mid 50's.

His daughter has never been over to my house, in the 2 years we have been together, I live with my partner, due to the fact she was very rude in the past, her boyfriend is currently in AA and is verbally nasty towards the family so I havent invited her over as he's part of it, until things have calmed down and we have built a relationship, but am I being unreasonable?

Its for this reason I have detached more over the last few months and he sees them as much as he can which they all enjoy and he has formed a deeper close relationship with his daughter which Im really pleased about, the same with his son, however he is not always reliable with his commitments and changes his mindset on a daily/weekly basis when he wants to see his dad. He's a teenager right lol.

What my partner is struggling with is the non relationship I have with his children, which was mentioned last night in our rows and his family too.Its not that I am not nice, I am just civil and pleasant/charming.

He said that its my fault his relationship with is children are suffering. because I dont allow them to my house to stay, that I never see them with him, or want to and that I choose to keep this separate. (I am always nice asking how they are, keeping things light but never meet with them as they never want to and they are enjoying their dad time). So what I am doing now is never mentioning his children to keep the peace.

Last night was completely blown up in the air which resulted in myself having to resort to driving in the car for an hour to calm down, he was angry and shouting and saying I can F off and that I am really negative, I am this and I am that, to which I just sat and listened as he wanted to chat but he didnt chat he just blamed.

He said me going off to play tennis with mixed doubles was to wind him up due to his comment about his son. Which was not true I just had a mixed double's tennis match booked weeks ago. Just realised I had it in the diary and he took this personally and it hurt him. The thought of me playing tennis with other men is really what this boils down to. My club is never all female and there are so many men there who play too, he just cant control this other possessive side to him.

I am left sitting here thinking, is this man a bully or is he just always wanting to be the one blaming me. I never stop him seeing his children, in fact I always encourage him to all the time, I also cherish this time to myself.

I dont really want to go along to their football matches or meet up for dinners, his son never talks to me and his daughter is very close to my partners ex, (mother of his son) as well as her own mum, she has no interest in myself or asks about me. I will always be an outsider. My partner is struggling to get my boundaries or my feelings I have never once been rude to any of them. I had a whole year of both exes being nasty towards him on the messages and someone he dated working with him everyday for 6 months until she left. So I think he forgets a lot of drama this family dynamic has caused over the 2 years. Otherwise our relationship together is lovely.

This might be a dealbreaker now for me as it appears to be the crux of our relationship. I have never felt worried before but for the first time in a long time i have thought if he keeps making me feel awful about myself and is always the one over powering me in rows, how can we possibly resolve this?

I can never seem to resolve these, as he asks to talk but then starts finger pointing me whenever I bring up something that upsets me.

He always has this power over me and I resort to crying and walking out, only when we row. I feel completely and utterly powerless, weak and beyond vulnerable.

Im too scared to sit and listen to him because of the overwhelming fear/anger and upset it creates in me I would rather walk away than shout like he does and have time to myself. This always works for me.

As I walked out, he asks me to come back in, says ok lets not talk about it laughs and suggests calling it a clean slate. Im not too sure things work like that? Im not finding this funny. I just want calm/peace and to be left alone.

Sorry feeling a little vulnerable here and kind of lost. I was even contemplating seeing a therapist I feel so odd at present. I am thinking because I dont have this nice feeling of peace with his family and his children, and our rows are like this, is it really worth staying?

Gosh thank you for reading, really am grateful...do you feel its just too much?

He makes you feel scared and vulnerable = end it.

They sound like a horrible family anyway.

This is a bit of a different picture from yesterday.

He has a fit over you playing mixed doubles. He was yelling and shouting so much you had to leave the home. That's bad. The daughter's alcoholic bf, bad. Your partner is an angry, controlling man who's verbally abusive.

But all the other stuff could disappear and there's this bit

We nearly had a car accident last week, because a lady cut him up and he lost it so bad he drove 100 miles an hour to chase her down the road and rage at her and then go in front, then to the side shouting at her, whilst all the time I was crying inside praying not to crash.

You BF is a rageaholic who could have killed you and others on the road.

Get out. If it's your place, he has to leave. If renting, go stay with your family until you find a place.

He's dangerous and you are not safe with him.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft available as a free PDF online. Do the Freedom Program.

We nearly had a car accident last week, because a lady cut him up and he lost it so bad he drove 100 miles an hour to chase her down the road and rage at her and then go in front, then to the side shouting at her, whilst all the time I was crying inside praying not to crash

He did what now?

Dump.

The children are an irrelevance.

Dump.

The alternative is living in fear of hos temper, because living with someone like that wears you down.
Or possibly being in a car crash. The police would have been all over him, if they'd seen that.

Just Dump.

This man changed his own housing arrangement without making sure that he was providing for his children as well. They shouldn’t just be welcome to come over, at least the youngest should still have a bedroom in his home. He is responsible for providing that, not you op, but he shouldn’t be moving in with a girlfriend if it’s not possible for him to also make a comfortable home for his children too.

that alone should be enough to want to get rid of this man. Add in his aggression and you are best just having him move out.

Hes a controlling cocklodger with anger managment issues.

Tell him its best he be with his children and he can move his things out this weekend.

Fabulous! Get yourself away from this bloke!

If your place is up for sale, this is the perfect time to end it.

Where he goes is not your problem, as long as it isn't with you.

"Intimidation is when someone uses threatening or aggressive behaviour to frighten you. This can be slamming or punching doors, shouting, or driving erratically." https://www.ncdv.org.uk/what-is-domestic-abuse-violence/#:~:text=This%20can%20be%20slamming%20or%20punching%20doors%2C,believe%20all%20sorts%20of%20things%2C%20and%20be

What a nasty bullying manipulative abusive arsehole cocklodger with add ons you’ve got yourself!! Chuck him out and leave him and his nasty little family to themselves!!

NOTHING about this man or his family are appealing and where is the effort they have put in to get to know you? Be kind and nice to you? Why does he think you should make the effort when they don’t??!!

Op, I have boundaries and so, I wouldn’t spend a single second of my wonderful peaceful life with this awful awful man.

Yes. This.

Children are for life - he can’t just drop them and they won’t outgrow him. These people will be part of your lives forever. If you can’t work it out that’s just not sustainable. If he can’t manage his temper that’s not sustainable. The whole thing is a disaster. Just finish it and find out what is next for you both.

"I just want calm/peace and to be left alone."

I don't blame you. This relationship sounds stressful and unpleasant. There is a straightforward way to achieve what you want and it starts with you showing him where the door is.

Sounds like this relationship has run its course. This is not a healthy situation. Time to end things I think. Good luck with finding some peace.

Don’t give this wanker your new address. He sounds very unstable and you are afraid of him. I bet his kids are too.

The daughter is 23….hardly a child!

@Sarahh1971 If you were selling up to buy jointly with him, take your house off the market as a first step.

He sounds absolutely awful in far too many respects, surely this is not the type of relationship you envisioned for yourself at this stage in your life?

Have courage, be strong and set your boundaries.

These people are really not food for your soul, in the slightest.

now I’ve read the car story we’d be done and I wouldn’t want him back in my house. The poor other driver must have been terrified.

This alone is enough to leave him. He is obviously a bully and also takes no responsibility for himself or his negative attributes. He will never change. Things won't get any better unfortunately.

You can’t expect to have a healthy relationship with someone when you won’t allow their children in your home.

A car chase?! He is unhinged and volatile.

I think two years is about the time you know whether a relationship is good or not. That rush of initial attraction has waned and you can look at the relationship more clearly. Maybe the reason you are having difficulty doing that is, although it hasn't been consistently good for a long time, you have been focussing on the nicer times hoping that they will become the norm. That is just wishful thinker. Try to be objective about your situation as a whole. Try the "what would you advise a friend, someone you care about" thing.

If you are able to do that you will see clearly that this relationship is not good for you. I mentioned the two year bench mark because that might simplify your decision. It might allow you to not get bogged down in the various issues you have mentioned and say, well we are two years in and on the whole this is not a happy relationship so it is time to end it.

If you are still unsure, keep in mind that he chased down a woman who had displeased him and could have caused a catastrophic road accident doing so. That alone makes him a massive turd and a real danger to you.

So I think he forgets a lot of drama this family dynamic has caused over the 2 years. Otherwise our relationship together is lovely

oh come on, OP, at least admit it to yourself, nothing is lovely about this relationship. You do not bring out the best in each other, there is no harmony, you're constantly at loggerheads over his children and he tells you to "F off".

admit it, your relationship is dead in the water. Don't try to flog a dead horse it will never get any better.

You don’t have to be best friends with his children but say you are friendly and polite. Not allowing his children to visit him in his home (I get it’s your house but you live together so it’s his home) is none of these. So on that front you are being massively unreasonable.

He sounds dangerous.

It is your house and you aren’t married so that helps.

Do you really want to move? Either way, tell him he can’t return. Change the locks before you tell him it’s over. Put his stuff in boxes and bags and have it sent to where he is living.

Stay safe. 💐

Why live together, can't you have a relationship living apart, much easier to get your own space.