Had a secret 11 month affair and need real advice. It ended 5 months ago.

[Sunrise133]

im a woman in my 40s, been married a long time, we have two teenage children. honestly things hadn't been great between me and my husband for the past 2 years, we just became like roommates and i felt completely invisible.

plus i met someone else and just really fancied him, i can't even lie. i ended up having a secret affair for 11 months. it ended completely about 5 months ago.

recently me and my husband have actually got so much closer and things are going great between us now, which makes me feel even worse.

there is absolutely no way he could ever find out unless i tell him myself. the tracks are totally covered. but the guilt is literally eating me alive every single day when i look at him and my kids.

do i shatter my family's world by being honest, carry this secret forever, or just walk away? let me know what you think"

You’re going to be told to tell your husband so he can make a decision on your marriage based on the truth.

I say, if you’re 100% sure he can never find out, keep your mouth shut. Your guilt for the rest of your life will be your punishment. I don’t mean that unkindly but it’s your burden to carry.

Lots will be along to call you the devil incarnate soon. Personally I think its your private business, it could be the reason your relationship has improved and shit happens. You only get one life and you are ultimately all you have. Don't let guilt eat you up, life is far too short. Forgive yourself, it happened. Shame is a terrible punishment. Please don't let shame take up so much space. You are not evil, you did something that at the time have you something you must have needed. Pill your socks up, let it go and stop hating yourself. Before you know it, l8fe will have flashed by. Make the most of it. 💐

You already acted selfishly by having an affair.

Telling your family only serves yourself also. And frankly, you are carrying guilt because of your own actions. Why would you upset them just to make yourself feel better?

You’ve already shattered your families world by the fact that because of what you did, you can’t be around them normally as the guilt is eating your up. You did that when you embarked on the affair.

Don’t tell him. It is your burden to carry. Get an STI check and go to therapy to work out why you felt entitled to do it. If you don’t? You’ll do it again. This was not a result of problems in your relationship, this was a result of problems with your character. Resolve those and never tell him.

He will find out

Tell him @Sunrise133you will never be free of the guilt otherwise.

Keep your mouth shut and live with it. Confessing will be a disaster. A man wouldn't confess. Forgive yourself is my advice.

You need to figure out whether you can live with the guilt or not

Have a think about why things are better with your partner . Is it somehow due to the affair? If it is then I might be minded to keep my mouth shut . It’s likely the feeling that you want to tell will fade with time

Focus on your relationship now and how you want it to be in the future

I hope he finds out and boots you out of the family home .
If the op was a man he'd be getting ( rightly ) torn to shreds for what you have done .

Why did the affair end and why? Did the affair partner end it or did you?

Incidentally, I think it's gross that you slightly blame him for the affair:

"honestly things hadn't been great between me and my husband for the past 2 years, we just became like roommates and i felt completely invisible."

If that's how you feel then chances are you'll have another affair if things get humdrum between you and your husband again.

It worked as a catalyst to bring you back closer together - move on with your life - you are only human - don’t beat yourself up - it ended 5 months ago -

Will you feel any better by actually telling your husband and tearing your family apart? I imagine not. Will it make your husband feeel better knowing his wife had an affair, definitley not! If you're 100% sure there's no way he'll ever find out then say nothing. Have therapy if you think it'll help and try to ease your guilt by putting all your effort into being the best wife, mother and version of yourself your family needs.
You need to be true to yourself that you do actually want to be with your husband though!?

Say nothing, OP, because it would be pointless - just damage a lot of lives.
You made a mistake. It happens. Time now to forget about it, and just concentrate on your future.

As the saying goes you made your bed now you have to lay in it. Basically what ever the outcome you'll have to live with the guilt.

This guy came I to and exited your life for a reason. Stop feeling guilty.

Typical mumsnet

woman has affair, keep quiet
man has affair, woman deserves to know

This is disgusting. Cheating on her spouse and betraying his trust and love 'worked as a catalyst' to jazz up her marriage? FFS.

Tell him @Sunrise133. He has a right to know you are a cheater and to go get STD tests.

You blew up your family, not him. You.

Not a single poster here would be so kind to a man saying he had an affair because his wife wasn't having sex with him. You should have left your husband before shagging another man.

Exactly

Relationships have ups and downs. It’s not unusual that you were disconnected from your husband a few years back and now you are getting on well again. I wouldn’t assume it’s the affair that has caused this. If you cannot imagine it happening again dont tell him. If you think you might do the same next time you have a dip in your relationship then leave.

100% this , I can not believe how many are saying just keep quiet it will just go away.
@Sunrise133 has had a 11 MONTH affair not a drunken fumble

"the tracks are totally covered" you seem quite proud of that I question how much remorse you feel at the moment,and what would you do six months down the line you see another man that you fancy?