Had a secret 11 month affair and need real advice. It ended 5 months ago.

[Sunrise133]

im a woman in my 40s, been married a long time, we have two teenage children. honestly things hadn't been great between me and my husband for the past 2 years, we just became like roommates and i felt completely invisible.

plus i met someone else and just really fancied him, i can't even lie. i ended up having a secret affair for 11 months. it ended completely about 5 months ago.

recently me and my husband have actually got so much closer and things are going great between us now, which makes me feel even worse.

there is absolutely no way he could ever find out unless i tell him myself. the tracks are totally covered. but the guilt is literally eating me alive every single day when i look at him and my kids.

do i shatter my family's world by being honest, carry this secret forever, or just walk away? let me know what you think"

There's no point 2 of you feeling this bad. Keep quiet, put it behind you and work on your marriage

Hi OP
the problem with a post like you’ve made is you will now get about 10 pages as it were of posters saying if a man said x, or this is what MN always does..
Mumsnet is extremely anti affair. As you undoubtedly know, which is fine as it expresses a collective general outlook on morality, especially with affairs/cheating.
And that’s for a good reason.
Affairs can destroy families and relationships and I expect sometimes can alter miserable lives or rock the boat and aren’t the WORST thing ever (I say that as someone who has buried a child and despite having a miserable fucking marriage has never had an affair in over 15 years of marriage and over 20 in the relationship. Has he? Probably. Do I care? Not one bit).
I honestly don’t think there’s any good answer to “do I tell him?”. Because I’ve hidden things from my husband (well, one thing. An assault (not rape) and that was enough to start him on about how our marriage was dead (my intention in not saying it was so our life could go on uninterrupted and I wouldn’t be the source of extra stress).
So, maybe take the views you get here - which will be variants on “don’t try to make yourself feel better”/you deserve everything you get/life is nuanced/say nothing for the most part - and do some hard thinking about what the morning after you tell your husband (and children) in your home looks like. See that. Then decide to think about things like, what if he says ok I can see why that happened let’s move on or do therapy.. think everything through in at least 4 different scenarios- you tell (everything), you don’t tell (anything), you leave (saying nothing), you leave (saying everything). Only you know what that looks like.

Esther Perel has some really good advice about this. One thing that stuck with me is she said confessing to an affair is like asking the other person to take a bullet for you. To ease your guilt, you destroy him. Learn to live with it but most importantly learn from it!

Keep schtum. You knew it was wrong and did it anyway - live with the guilt.

Have an sti check for peace of mind and to make sure you aren’t putting your husbands health at risk. If clear, Then keep quiet and work on your marriage.

If you confess you’ll hurt your husband and kids. If you don’t confess you’ll only hurt yourself. Your husband and kids don’t deserve the hurt.

You should tell him and give him the agency to see if he wants to stay married to you

Life and relationships go in phases. Sometimes they are good, sometimes they feel distant. I think if you are honest with yourself you over exaggerated your problems these last two years. Clearly they were fixable. You wanted the excitement of an affair. Now reality has hit and the guilt is eating away at you. You know whatever connection you and your DH have now is fake because he wouldn’t feel the same way if he knew the truth. Was it worth it? You will now have to live this way or inflict the pain on him. Either way your relationship will never be the same again. What a waste.

No! Unless you want the marriage to be ruined completely. I bloody wish my ex husband had kept his gob shut then I would have still been married and unaware. Buuuuut he had to tell me and we divorced. Awful.

The guilt you feel is the price you pay. Don’t be guilted into staying in a bad marriage. It happened for a reason.

And she won't be free of it if she tells him.

All she will do is exchange the guilt of "I cheated on my family" for the guilt of "I broke my husbands heart and destroyed my family".

As others have said it is her burden to carry, the price she has to pay.

This doesn't make enough sense unless you explain how and why the affair ended 5 months ago.

If true, it's really sad you'd prefer to live in ignorance, and be played for a fool, in a sham marriage.

No, don't.

He deserves the truth.

Your kids too.

Or pertuate the generational cycle. Up to you....

why kaboom your marriage, basically learn from it and live with the guilt, or say good by to your marriage, @Sunrise133

Don’t tell him.. try to live with the guilt and move on

A mistake is a drunken kiss with the bouncer, 11 months afair is calculated and premeditated deception day by day for 11 months! I wonder if your SO had an afair for 11 months would you say "is a mistake it happens"

Are you sure he can never find out? Why do you think that? I mean for a start, he could go on your mumsnet account if he looked at whatever device you’re on

if you tell him, you risk blowing your family to pieces. So I wouldn’t tell him. But it was a really bad thing to do so it will make you feel exceptionally guilty. I’m no expert but it’ll probably subside in time. It’s either that, or if you tell your DH, then he will think you’re a cheater every time he looks at you.

depends if the device is a phone, for mumsnet, then its biometrics, pin etc any number of ways to avoid detection, its all down to planning and not being sloppy

Would he even be considering telling you if the roles were reversed? I’d bet not. What would you hope to gain from telling him?

Gordon Blimey Bennett. The double standards here are absolutely disgusting.

You want to tell him because you think it will make you feel better. Another selfish action. Just keep it to yourself and be a good partner from now on.

yes they are, but then we are only human

I’d love to know if you’d say the same to a man.

If it's definitely completely over then stay silent. Forgive yourself and him for not being perfect and move on. No one gets medal when they die. So make your life the best you can.