Had a secret 11 month affair and need real advice. It ended 5 months ago.

[Sunrise133]

im a woman in my 40s, been married a long time, we have two teenage children. honestly things hadn't been great between me and my husband for the past 2 years, we just became like roommates and i felt completely invisible.

plus i met someone else and just really fancied him, i can't even lie. i ended up having a secret affair for 11 months. it ended completely about 5 months ago.

recently me and my husband have actually got so much closer and things are going great between us now, which makes me feel even worse.

there is absolutely no way he could ever find out unless i tell him myself. the tracks are totally covered. but the guilt is literally eating me alive every single day when i look at him and my kids.

do i shatter my family's world by being honest, carry this secret forever, or just walk away? let me know what you think"

I agree what a bunch of hypocrites.

If a man posted this he'd be ripped apart and quite rightly.

OP I hope your DH finds out and leaves you.

11 months and you're blaming him? Shameless.

I'm surprised everyone here is saying don't tell the husband. Statistics show that marriages where an affair is covered up don't survive in the long run anyway as it is impossible to remain close with such a big secret between you - which is I guess why infidelity survival programmes tend to advocate a policy of radical honesty. I would want to know.

This - the double standards are ridiculous. Why do betrayed wives deserve more agency than betrayed husbands? Not to mention the issue of consent as I assume you are still sleeping with your DH OP. I can understand you thinking of your children if they're still young - maintaining their stability would be the only reason I would consider keeping quiet. But your DH deserves to know and be allowed to make his own choices about his life. Having an affair is a serious breach of trust and without that trust it will be difficult for you to develop & maintain a truly close and honest relationship with him. Without coming clean, you also won't develop accountability or learn why you did this awful thing to the person whose back you agreed to have at all times.
I also think the betrayed partner often has a sense of something being off. You will have been forced to lie to your DH about seemingly insignificant things on frequent occasions and he is likely to feel this. My own DH is currently keeping a secret from me, probably something similar to this, but without him confessing I will never know the truth. This has felt like torture on & off for around 2 years, but without knowing anything I am paralysed from taking any action and we are prevented from dealing with it directly, or healing from it, which we should each be doing now rather than living a lie. The feeling that we're not being completely honest with each other anymore means I can feel myself slowly withdrawing emotionally from him and the situation has and continues to be incredibly painful. Be brave and (in the long run) kind, tell him, accept responsibility and face the consequences.