Can anyone help? In doom loop of conversations with partner

[friendlytotheend]

I’m looking for constructive advice please if anyone has these skills at all.

For background, he’s not very emotionally intelligent, not autistic or on the spectrum in any way. He’s just very very pig headed sometimes.

When communicating with my partner of 20 years, he will never listen or try to understand what I’m saying to him but instead retort with blame on me.

we then enter a doom loop that goes a bit like this….

me “I’m not very happy”
him “well I’M not very happy”

me “I’m sad”
him “well I’M sad”

me “I’m working too hard”
him “well I’M working too hard”

me”you hurt me when you…..”
him “well you hurt ME when you…”

me”can we try and make a bit more effort”
him “well can YOu try and make a bit more effort”

etc etc
every time I try and express myself even with a small innocuous thing that is by no way meant with any blame, it gets blocked. Theres no attempt to understand why I’m saying what I’m saying- it’s an outright block, as though he’s telling me he doesn’t want to hear it, and I should keep my mouth shut.

I’m tired of it all and wondered if there was a better way I can phrase my words to get through to a little bit of understanding.

any ideas?

I agree. Your children are constantly watching and learning and this is the blueprint you are both teaching them for adult relationships. If you can’t muster the courage to leave for yourself, surely you can do it for your children? If not, you should start saving now for their therapy bills.

Sorry you're going through this op. My husband was once emotionally immature and abusive. I know it feels like a very drastic label to put on this behaviour but it is abuse. Even if there are shades of grey where someone says they don't want to be abusive but lacks the skills to change it still becomes a choice. There still is awareness of manipulation. Awareness of consistently hurting someone.

Thankfully my husband instigated individual therapy for himself. He learnt empathy and understood (and stopped) his male entitlement and abusive ways. It's night and day the change.

Unfortunately unless your partner wants to change there isn't anything you can do op.

You're stuck in a loop because he is keeping you in it! He is doing it deliberately and is very unkind and disrespectful. He won't change unless he wants to and if it's gone on this long then he won't.

The question to get out of the loop is one you need to answer: are you going to accept this and continue to be a door mat stuck with an abusive guy, or are you going to leave him and start living your life. I'm sorry to be blunt, but from experience that is the way I see it

We are married to the same man...mine now also started saying that "I talk too much" when trying to address a hurtful thing he has said or done, no conversation can be had.
According to him I should watch my mouth before I speak as a "proper" woman does...I blame the manosphere and all that BS...mind you, he is approaching 50!