Can anyone help? In doom loop of conversations with partner

[friendlytotheend]

I’m looking for constructive advice please if anyone has these skills at all.

For background, he’s not very emotionally intelligent, not autistic or on the spectrum in any way. He’s just very very pig headed sometimes.

When communicating with my partner of 20 years, he will never listen or try to understand what I’m saying to him but instead retort with blame on me.

we then enter a doom loop that goes a bit like this….

me “I’m not very happy”
him “well I’M not very happy”

me “I’m sad”
him “well I’M sad”

me “I’m working too hard”
him “well I’M working too hard”

me”you hurt me when you…..”
him “well you hurt ME when you…”

me”can we try and make a bit more effort”
him “well can YOu try and make a bit more effort”

etc etc
every time I try and express myself even with a small innocuous thing that is by no way meant with any blame, it gets blocked. Theres no attempt to understand why I’m saying what I’m saying- it’s an outright block, as though he’s telling me he doesn’t want to hear it, and I should keep my mouth shut.

I’m tired of it all and wondered if there was a better way I can phrase my words to get through to a little bit of understanding.

any ideas?

It’s DAVRO

His behaviour towards you regarding your hearing sounds abusive. In that context, a lot of the rest of his behaviour sounds abusive too. Someone who refuses ever to apologise or take responsibility for their actions is not a person you can have a healthy, happy relationship with.

I’ve never heard of DAVRO, I’ll get on to google.

OP, I think that as he’s so adept at turning the conversation his way you need to learn how to calmly but firmly press on with what you want to talk about.

As I said in a previous post saying something like ‘We will come to your issue but I’ve asked if we can discuss x’. If he keeps on twisting it to his agenda say ‘No that’s not what this is about, if you are unable to address x at the moment we will come back to it another time but this is a reasonable request and you need to stop deflecting’.

You need to refuse to engage with all the DARVO. ‘No I’m not playing deflection games. If you’re unable to discuss this sensibly we will have to come back to
it when you can’. He’s acting like a spoilt teenager not a grown man. You will have to treat him as such.

I really do empathise. And I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

I think it would be really bad if you add to your overloaded plate trying to placate your partner, and he doesn't change at all. But maybe the framing of "we're both suffering, how can we fix it" might yield more results than "I'm suffering, how do we fix it." Of course, if you find that you're just taking on even more stuff, without any cooperation, then I'm out of ideas, sorry. And I don't think you deserve that (and I hope that was clear from my original message, I certainly didn't mean to imply that you should be doing a load of extra stuff for him on top of your already large load)

Understood. Thank you for taking the time to respond, it’s appreciated. Good advice.

You know that he is pig-headed and emotionally limited, and unwilling - or just doesn't give AF - how you feel. So why do you care if he blames you for splitting up?

You know the truth of it - you tried, he didn't - and one of the perks of divorce is that you don't have to listen to the man you mis-married telling you Everything Is Your Fault. Think how nice that will be.

Try to think yourself to a point where you don't care that he doesn't care how you feel, and where you don't care for his blame game because you know you are not to blame.

Typo edit and to add, I'm sorry, it sucks.

I’m finishing with you - that should do it !

you “I’m not very happy”
him “well I’M not very happy”
you "well, what could we change that would make you happier?"

I'd change that to 'what could we change that would make us both happier. Otherwise he gets all the attention and OP is yet again in supporting role.

OP you could start by saying:
We're both very unhappy /tired/overworked right now
If he says, 'I'm not' in order to automatically challenge you, you can say, 'Well I am, and I'd love you to hear what I have to say about it and to have your opinion on some ways to make thinsg better.' If he agrees that you both are, then you can discuss it, as a problem you both recognise and deserve to address and resolve.

Alternatively, ask yourself what value he adds to your life. And do you want to live like this.

"noted, but we're not talking about you right now can we resolve this and then we'll discuss you?"

Has worked in the past.

Fuck that OP

I'm not happy
Well I'm not happ...
THWACK 🪏
Patio the bastard

You were with us all night.

You need to do it in complete sentences which explain why you're sad.

Or just leave.

He’s very defensive because he’s afraid of being criticised. Try telling him something he’s done right first.
Tell me a few more things you’re trying to tell him. So I can give an example.

"I’m tired of it all and wondered if there was a better way I can phrase my words to get through to a little bit of understanding."
Frankly? No, there isn't. He doesn't want to hear you. There is no form of words that he will listen to. And for 20 years that has worked just fine for him, you're still there aren't you?

Give it up. After 20 years I'm sure you've tried everything. He just isn't listening because he doesn't want to, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Reframe the conversation. Just tell him what you want changing. Example: I wan you to stop/ start doing XYZ. If he says "But I want you YOU to stop/ start doing XYZ" say: This is my turn. We do ME first, you after.

But, tbh, I would not be able to live with an overgrown toddler. He knows what he is doing, it works, so keeps doing it. He has no interest in your issues, in addressing them, or in listening to you. Fuck that.

Start your next conversation with "I'm thinking of leaving you"

Let's see what he does then.

You can do so, so, SO much better than this guy, OP.

When you did/said that I felt …………because………..

This might not work because he sounds a nightmare anyway and I’d probably leave him to be honest. The man sounds exhausting, but if you don’t want to then at least try this as it sounds less accusatory.

Don't tie yourself in knots trying to get the man to care, there is no combination of words that will get him to function as a life enhancing, intelligent, partner.

Twenty years and he's still just a disinterested boyfriend? Show him equal regard and dump him. You could be enjoying a happy, free life of bliss.

My ex used to do similar:

Me: I'm upset by x
Him: well x wouldn't upset me, so you're at fault for that
(No further discussion was ever possible)

Me: I have a problem with x
Him: you never stop moaning, nothing is ever good enough for you
(The man who originally told me that relationship problems need to be discussed early on before they turn into big issues)

It's a form of gaslighting. I got rid of him.

I’ve done this and it was silence. He literally has nothing to say, and not nastily because I can tell see he’s hurt, but he literally doesn’t know what to say.

When the shit gets serious, he retreats so far back in his cave he can’t be touched. He will literally sit for hours in silence if I waited for a reply. We’ve done that a lot over the years.

What's the point of having him around? A relationship is meant to be fun, life enhancing and enjoyable.
That's the point.

So he's been training you for years with his silence, you know that is a classic sign of abuse don't you (stonewalling)? Just read the DA websites and you'll see him on them. Even on this thread you are saying I do this, he responds by silence or darvo, nothing changes so I don't bother anymore with that, what else can I try? Just stop twisting yourself into a pretzel it will never work. If you don't believe us then have a chat with Women's Aid, they won't mind.

He will not change, deep down you know this as you have been trying for decades. If you want a different outcome YOU need to change your reaction. Your choices are to continue living in this hell for another twenty or thirty years, leave or to have therapy to find out why you have accepted this abusive dynamic for years (and then leave). What is your answer? Hell or freedom?

I'm sorry OP but I'm failing to understand how anyone stays in a relationship for 20 years with this immaturity. Surely you saw this??