Should I tell my husband I left after meeting someone else?

[MedallionChain]

I left my husband for another man, and also for myself.

I didn’t tell my husband it was for someone else I told him I had fallen out of love with him and our marriage wasn’t working. Should I have told him the full truth- can people be honest?

I don’t know if it will work out with the new man, but I’m fully prepared to end up alone if it doesn’t.

I don’t know if I am looking for someone to talk to as these feelings are a lot of guilt to carry around, which I fully deserve. I don’t think I’m a good person but also I have tried to do things in the least hurtful way but I’ve not been fully honest. What is the right way to go about this though?

I don’t know if I’ve made an impulsive selfish decision, it’s highly possible. I don’t believe in shit like ‘following your heart’ though.

When I realised I had feelings developing for the new man, I ended my marriage because I knew nothing was going to be the same ever again. I realised I didn’t love my husband in the way I should and we had more of a friendship. We had a complex relationship. I felt like I had betrayed him emotionally by being drawn to someone else. I think that’s worse than that sleeping with someone.

I met new man by chance. I wasn’t looking or ever intending to meet someone else. New man and I had a strong attraction that neither was going to acknowledge (wrote this off as a passing crush) but due to the circumstances of how we met we spent time together and formed a friendship. When I realised emotions were getting involved I ended my marriage.

New man never asked me to leave my husband, and never made me feel any pressure or expectation to be with him. I just knew he would want to be with me and he does.

I didn’t overlap the two in terms of intimacy so I’ve never had sex or kissed my husband after I had kissed or slept with the new man.

New man doesn’t appear to be just a sex or attraction thing. We have developed an emotional connection. I’m aware this might not even be real or strong enough to go the distance. Neither of us have promised each other anything.

I feel guilty every single day about my choices and decisions. I’ve blown all our lives apart.

I do sit and think about how I could have taken the other path - working past the feelings for new guy to shut them down and make it work with my husband. When I think about this, I still feel like I would have been the wrong thing to do because I had already had them happen. Is that what people do?

My husband would still take me back at this stage but should I now tell him about the new man or is this kinder to let us end on a good note?

If not kids involved… I wouldn’t bother.

Just divorce and leave him be.

If you want absolution see a priest.

Well do you have children in common? Because you’ll also have to hide your new relationship from them if so to avoid they saying something to their dad. (obviously don’t introduce dcs to a new man for at least a year either way.)

if not, then why would you be telling him? Is it so he gives up any hope of you taking him back? So he stops feeling like he could fix your relationship or if he’d behaved differently you’d not have left? If he knows there’s someone else he wouldn’t blame himself but you?

I think there’s an element that if you don’t have dcs in common, then just stop engaging and get on with the split. Your guilt is your problem to deal with.

There’s no benefits to telling him apart from making your conscious clearer. Don’t make him feel any worse than he does.

He probably knows there’s a new man in your life but unless there’s a reason he needs to know then there’s no need to tell him. Unless you have previously said you would tell eachother abiut new people?

It's the same pattern as when men leave for another woman they lie and say there is no one else and make their wives feel it was all their fault. Women are just the same.

It all sounds like a lot of drama
but not quite enough for you
so you want to inject even more drama in to the situation by telling your ex

What would be the point? Chances are you will just make your husband feel worse than he does already. What would you be hoping to gain from it?

I wouldn't, if he asked directly though I would say that when you met be guy it made you evaluate the marriage but that there was no overlap
ok that might be a technicality if you left Sunday morning and were in bed with new guy by lunchtime but it's still true. however, I wouldn't go and tell him otherwise. sounds like there's no kids so just move on

You have to be honest with yourself and realise why you'd want to tell him, if its only to assuage your guilt then no you really shouldn't. What good would it do him?

Your guilt will pass, just take it one day at a time. I know you feel like a terrible person but you knew things weren't right and so you've left, you've not started some affair.

I hope things work out for you with the new man

We had a complex relationship.
No, you didn't. People always utter this bullshit about their relationship when they are unfaithful, and it always turns out that the relationship was just like many others. Nothing uniquely different. It's like "it's complicated" is just like "the script", but the justify-my-cheating-to-myself-and-maybe-others-will-believe-it-too version.

I didn’t overlap the two in terms of intimacy so I’ve never had sex or kissed my husband after I had kissed or slept with the new man.
Err...what? Why are you more worried about cheating on your lover than your actual husband? Nevermind your lover - did you overlap the two in terms of sex or kissing your lover after YOUR HUSBAND?!

Is that what people do?
Nothing about what you have done is relatable to the average decent and loyal person. You did wrong in every way, from start to finish, I can tell you that much.

My husband would still take me back at this stage but should I now tell him about the new man or is this kinder to let us end on a good note?
Are you actually okay? Why are you asking random strangers online to help you make major life decisions? You sound really unconfident, and like you have no idea what you want. Do you always make important life decisions impulsively, act before you think, and think about consequences to your actions AFTER you've done damage?

It’s perfectly possible to work through feelings for someone else in a long-term relationship. If attraction to others never happened after marriage, the vow to foresake all others would not be necessary. But sometimes the LTR has run its course. I know a few people who have left LTRs for an affair partner and built very stable second marriages.

However, i do think you should tell him unless you think he would react dangerously. This information could be useful to him. I think there’s something dishonest about not giving him the full picture on this (and i do think this is one of those threads where you would be getting different advice on disclosure if you were male).

Frankly, i think you should feel more guilty for leaving him for someone else and not telling him than for doing this and telling him, unless you believe there is a risk to safety.

He could probably sense there was someone else in the wings (as you will see from the many posts on here from women who have been left by a man who swears blind there’s no-one else and then, after a short interval, tries to pass the affair partner off as completely new and unrelated to the split). So it might help him to have that confirmed so he doesn’t think he’s going mad.

I’ve been with DH for 25+ years so it’s a long time since anyone’s ended a relationship with me. But before that, my first love (nearly 3 yesrs together), ended our relationship for someone else. A subsequent BF whom i was growing very fond of simply ended our relationship. Both hurt a great deal but somehow being dumped for no-one felt slightly worse - like “you are just not enough and i’d rather be alone than with you”. It was of course totally his right to end it just because he wasn’t feeling it but still it stung that bit more.

Good old MN. When a man leaves out of the blue and pulls out the script ‘unhappy, fallen out of love, no one else’ we say he is an abusive gaslighter. When a woman does it ‘oh no point hurting him more just deny.’

Tell him. This is for two reasons.

1. He would take you back so he’s not over the breakdown of your relationship. He’s probably extremely confused and heartbroken. He deserves to understand your feelings and what has led to the breakdown of his marriage. Allow him to be angry and mourn it. The confusion is cruel.
2. The deceit you are creating around this will damage your view of yourself even if he never finds out. Perhaps you should have dealt with the situation differently and no one is perfect, but you owe it to yourself to be a person of honesty and integrity no matter how other people react to that. It might feel like the harder path but long term you will respect yourself more. If you do end up trying to work it out with your husband it will come from a foundation of honesty. Otherwise you would be looking over your shoulder wondering if he is going to find out.

Be honest, but he careful with your ExDH feelings. You don’t need to be brutal or insensitive just to get it off your chest. Take accountability and allow him the respect of understanding how this monumental life shift has occurred so he can find peace with it eventually.

I did….and the first 5 responses were don’t bother telling him. Appreciate other people had the same view as me (and wrote that while I was writing mine) but clearly my response was aimed at the many people who feel differently

Good old MN. When a man leaves out of the blue and pulls out the script ‘unhappy, fallen out of love, no one else’ we say he is an abusive gaslighter. When a woman does it ‘oh no point hurting him more just deny.’

2 entirely different responses because they are to different questions

From reading threads here from women whose husbands have cheated on them, the women always had a feeling that something was wrong and often blame themselves. Finding out that there was another woman can often be a relief.

i think it would be kinder to let your husband know who you really are and tell him so that he can get over you quicker, without the constant blaming himself.

I say yes, it makes it easier tk move on

@Werhere - it also seemed to me that the initial posters were telling OP not to disclose. I agree with @OchreRaven that OP should disclose, unless she thinks her ex will become dangerous. I share @OchreRaven’s sense that a man in OP’s position would be told he should disclose. Surely that should apply across the board? It’s relevant that OP fell for another man and chose to follow that inclination. There is something dishonest about not enlightening her ex, who has probably just been left with the impression that he was not enough for OP and wondering where he failed. If he might take her back, he certainly deserves to be made aware of this. @MedallionChain - surely the hardest part was leaving? I can’t see that telling your ex there was someone else would be harder and it might help your ex to know this.

Yes exactly I am going through this process to establish if I am just trying to make myself feel less guilty by telling him and getting it off my chest.

My husband is hurt and feels like he wasn’t enough for me, so much so I’d rather be alone. He has never asked me if I have met someone else. If he asked me I would tell him not lie.

I am unclear if that feeling would be a lot worse if he was told that he was correct and I wanted someone else instead, or better for him.

Perhaps I am asking what other people would want in this situation if you were my husband.

Would you want to know that I have got strong feelings for another person, and if they weren’t reciprocal I would still leave?

Maybe more generic, i found my self attracted to others and wanting to explore that. It wouldnt have been fair to eaither of you to stay

@LejlaKapovic I don’t know if I phrased this correctly. I was separated before anything physical took place. The new man knows the full extend of my situation. He has never encouraged me to do anything and although he is supportive and we speak about it, he sees my husbands side and doesn’t try to justify anything

Yes perhaps this is more accurate. Once I knew I was capable of doing this I knew I had to leave.

What would it achieve? Apart from you enjoying the emotional flagellation. Have some consideration for your husband and stop mucking him about - that sounds what you're doing, in your head if nothing else.