Should I tell my husband I left after meeting someone else?

[MedallionChain]

I left my husband for another man, and also for myself.

I didn’t tell my husband it was for someone else I told him I had fallen out of love with him and our marriage wasn’t working. Should I have told him the full truth- can people be honest?

I don’t know if it will work out with the new man, but I’m fully prepared to end up alone if it doesn’t.

I don’t know if I am looking for someone to talk to as these feelings are a lot of guilt to carry around, which I fully deserve. I don’t think I’m a good person but also I have tried to do things in the least hurtful way but I’ve not been fully honest. What is the right way to go about this though?

I don’t know if I’ve made an impulsive selfish decision, it’s highly possible. I don’t believe in shit like ‘following your heart’ though.

When I realised I had feelings developing for the new man, I ended my marriage because I knew nothing was going to be the same ever again. I realised I didn’t love my husband in the way I should and we had more of a friendship. We had a complex relationship. I felt like I had betrayed him emotionally by being drawn to someone else. I think that’s worse than that sleeping with someone.

I met new man by chance. I wasn’t looking or ever intending to meet someone else. New man and I had a strong attraction that neither was going to acknowledge (wrote this off as a passing crush) but due to the circumstances of how we met we spent time together and formed a friendship. When I realised emotions were getting involved I ended my marriage.

New man never asked me to leave my husband, and never made me feel any pressure or expectation to be with him. I just knew he would want to be with me and he does.

I didn’t overlap the two in terms of intimacy so I’ve never had sex or kissed my husband after I had kissed or slept with the new man.

New man doesn’t appear to be just a sex or attraction thing. We have developed an emotional connection. I’m aware this might not even be real or strong enough to go the distance. Neither of us have promised each other anything.

I feel guilty every single day about my choices and decisions. I’ve blown all our lives apart.

I do sit and think about how I could have taken the other path - working past the feelings for new guy to shut them down and make it work with my husband. When I think about this, I still feel like I would have been the wrong thing to do because I had already had them happen. Is that what people do?

My husband would still take me back at this stage but should I now tell him about the new man or is this kinder to let us end on a good note?

It’s not idle self-flagellation to tell him. Unless you’re in a poly relationship, marriage generally involves forsaking all others. You chose instead to forsake your marriage. Unless your ex was abusive, he deserves to know the full story of why you left just as you would if the positions were reversed. It may help him start to get over you. The fact that your head was turned is a very material fact. Otherwise, as you say, he’s just left thinking that he was not enough.

Mumsnet is terrific but some Mumsnetters will always find excuses for women who have affairs and take the position that it was the male partner’s fault because of something he was or wasn’t doing. I don’t subscribe to that. Women can also have their heads turned just because. Unless you feel unsafe, you owe it to your ex to explain this. There’s something dishonest about not doing so.

Just leave him alone now, you've already hurt him enough.

Why does your husband need to know you left him because you had feelings for another man? You stated that nothing physical happened with this man, until after you separated from your husband. Yes, you developed an emotional attachment to him, and it made you realise that you don't love your husband.

Why hurt the poor bloke further by telling him that part of the reason you left, was due to feelings towards another man?!

If you have children with your husband, I'd suggest keeping your relationship with the new man completely separate to your children, no introductions or living together. There's no need for your children to know about this man at this point...unless of course you're living together already???? In which case, you're not going to be able to keep your relationship separate from your children or from your husband knowing.

If there are no children involved at all, then there's no reason to tell your husband anything. There's no reason why your husband needs to know you have a new bloke. I suggest talking to a therapist if you're feeling unsure/guilty, don't off load your guilt onto your husband, to stop you from feeling guilty. That's for you to carry, and deal with; not for him to absolve you of it.

I’m not at all sure that OP telling her ex that she left for someone else will hurt him more. It may help him hurt less. It’s decades ago now but i’ve had experience of being left for someone else and left for no-one else. Both really hurt but the latter felt slightly worse, the message being “i would rather be alone than with you”. It’s a valid message but in this case it’s not the whole truth. I think OP owes her ex honesty about this.

I am unsure if I would feel safe enough to tell him in person. I don’t think he would hurt me physically, but I would feel emotionally unsafe and he might throw things or make me feel uncomfortable being in the same space.

This is part of the complexity of our relationship. I have not felt emotionally supported by my DH and he was aware of this before I left but he chose not to address it. We have had an up and down marriage and emotional security has been the main issue. New man appears emotionally secure (at this point anyway) and on reflection I think this was attractive

It's good that you didn't physically cheat, but you still removed emotional boundaries and allowed yourself to get into a situation where "a friendship" developed. The kind that made you leave your husband and marriage.

Anyway, what's done is done. You ask if other people would want to know that they've been left for someone else - personally, I would. It would give me closure and help me to move on.

@Werhere there has been a lot of verbal aggression and MH issues during our marriage. I did say it was complex. I still don’t think he deserves to be treated badly.

Well too late
he has been
so if you think he’ll benefit from the info - tell him
if not… don’t

only you can answer that. Only you know him

There is nothing good to come from telling him. The new man situation gave you the push you needed to end it @MedallionChain

The problem you are making here is thinking that by unloading your guilt, you will stop your husband feeling as bad.
It will not. Nothing will take away the fact that he's hurting and you are the cause, like it or not. Just leave him be. Treat him with kindness while going through your divorce, don't play games and move on. He will get over it, with any luck and if he wants it, he will meet someone new.

You are allowed to leave a relationship for any reason if it is no longer working for you.

You did the right thing by leaving before anything really happened. Now leave it there. If you have made a mistake then live with it. Do not tell your Husband there was someone else, it will cause him never to trust another woman again.

Edit as I then read your other posts that you were separated before you had sex with new man.

Your OP didn’t sound like that.

She is here asking for a reason. There must be interactions that she thinks would.be easier if he knew

I say tell him.
My ex cheated and didn’t tell me there was someone else when he left. It was another blow when I worked it out. Just as I thought I was dealing with things it knocked me again. I’d rather have had the full story to get my head around from the start.

were you secretly messaging and meeting this other person whilst married ? this is what my husband did and no phyiscal apparently until after he left , I still call that cheating. Your choice wether to tell him or not though and everyone is different. mine thinks he did nothing wrong as nothing physical happened until he left , but its hurts me all the same to know he was emotionally attached and speaking to someone behind my back, and that he only left when he had someone else to go to and To me he still broke our marriage vows and i feel hugely betrayed . mine will never take accountability for what he did , you know your husband & if the truth will help and if safe for you etc. only you can make that decision

If your dh hasn't asked maybe dont tell him?

If he is suffering from not understanding why you left and needing closure then you should tell him.

I don't think youve said if you have kids or not? This changes things.

Once your H finds out he will probably think you had an affair whether you did or not.

I saw the new man in person due to our circumstances of meeting.

We started messaging and met up alone when I was separated. I already knew it was mutual before that point just by intuition and body language like eye contact. That made me realise I was capable of and wanted to break my marriage vows.

I’m not sure how much context is needed. New man knew I was married therefore never pursued me. He just wasn’t that good at hiding it. I contacted him to tell him I was separated and we are getting to know each other.

We do not have kids.

I agree about speaking to a therapist thanks, this might help me work through some of the guilt and find a solution

Don’t tell him it will just hurt him more and you’ll just feel even more guilty. I’m in a similar position, although I ended my relationship before I fell for someone else, but I still have to see my ex every so often. He is still heartbroken and still not over us and I know it would hurt him to think of me with someone else. So I say nothing and hope that time will ease the situation for him.

It’s a bit sad if your ex-partner still loves you but if like you say, you didn’t cheat on him and did the right thing and left him before getting jiggy with your new man then i take my hat off to you, a lot of people wouldn’t have done it in such a respectful way. It’s your choice who you decide to couple up with and if you’ve found love somewhere else good luck to you. You sound decent and genuine, both qualities that are hard to find in this crappy world we live in.

what is to be gained from piling more heartache on him? Does he need to know at this point? It would be kinder wait until a) he’s in a better place B) he’s met someone else

I've already posted a few times but I agree with @LejlaKapovic :

"LejlaKapovic · Today 10:04
...
It's good that you didn't physically cheat, but you still removed emotional boundaries and allowed yourself to get into a situation where "a friendship" developed. The kind that made you leave your husband and marriage.
Anyway, what's done is done. You ask if other people would want to know that they've been left for someone else - personally, I would. It would give me closure and help me to move on."

A lot of people (including me) have indicated that we think you should tell him if you can do so safely. It doesn't necessarily need to be face to face - perhaps you could do it in a phone call or Zoom call or similar. This is different from @turnthefanon's situation because she fell for someone else after she had left her DH whereas you left your DH because you had fallen for someone else. It's material information and I think knowing it could help him move on or at least not just feel that it's entirely his fault that the relationship broke down. In his shoes, I and, I think, most people would want to know. When women post on MN saying their life partner has just left them and is insisting there is no-one else and he's left her because she's unbearable, most posters (including me) will speculate that he's had his head turned. That is because most of us recognise that it is often somehow slightly less painful to think that a partner has left because of interest in someone else rather than simply because they couldn't bear to be with us any longer (or if they can't bear to be with us any more, it is because they have had their heads turned). No-one owes anyone else a relationship. Some people treat their relationship partners badly and are the sole cause of their partner leaving them. Unless your ex-H falls in the latter category, then I think it is a courtesy and the most honest thing to give him the full picture on this.

That's what I'm getting at I suppose. What is actually behind telling him. Does she want to tell him, for him to make a decision about their relationship so that she doesn't bear the entire responsibility of leaving him.

Or do you mean how should she actually go about telling him. In that case (depending on his personality) at a distance but in person by phone.

If your ex can be aggressive and prone to throwing things etc, then no, you should not tell him.

I was leaning towards telling him so he'd probably move on faster, but not if he might turn violent.

I would reduce your contact with him as much as possible and keep it very distant emotionally so he abandons hope you'll go back to him.

Look, you have ended it, just let him get on with his life in peace.

If you tell him you cheated on him that will just hurt him more. Live with the guilt or just forgive yourself. It doesn't matter. You've made your choices, now move on.