Should I tell my husband I left after meeting someone else?

[MedallionChain]

I left my husband for another man, and also for myself.

I didn’t tell my husband it was for someone else I told him I had fallen out of love with him and our marriage wasn’t working. Should I have told him the full truth- can people be honest?

I don’t know if it will work out with the new man, but I’m fully prepared to end up alone if it doesn’t.

I don’t know if I am looking for someone to talk to as these feelings are a lot of guilt to carry around, which I fully deserve. I don’t think I’m a good person but also I have tried to do things in the least hurtful way but I’ve not been fully honest. What is the right way to go about this though?

I don’t know if I’ve made an impulsive selfish decision, it’s highly possible. I don’t believe in shit like ‘following your heart’ though.

When I realised I had feelings developing for the new man, I ended my marriage because I knew nothing was going to be the same ever again. I realised I didn’t love my husband in the way I should and we had more of a friendship. We had a complex relationship. I felt like I had betrayed him emotionally by being drawn to someone else. I think that’s worse than that sleeping with someone.

I met new man by chance. I wasn’t looking or ever intending to meet someone else. New man and I had a strong attraction that neither was going to acknowledge (wrote this off as a passing crush) but due to the circumstances of how we met we spent time together and formed a friendship. When I realised emotions were getting involved I ended my marriage.

New man never asked me to leave my husband, and never made me feel any pressure or expectation to be with him. I just knew he would want to be with me and he does.

I didn’t overlap the two in terms of intimacy so I’ve never had sex or kissed my husband after I had kissed or slept with the new man.

New man doesn’t appear to be just a sex or attraction thing. We have developed an emotional connection. I’m aware this might not even be real or strong enough to go the distance. Neither of us have promised each other anything.

I feel guilty every single day about my choices and decisions. I’ve blown all our lives apart.

I do sit and think about how I could have taken the other path - working past the feelings for new guy to shut them down and make it work with my husband. When I think about this, I still feel like I would have been the wrong thing to do because I had already had them happen. Is that what people do?

My husband would still take me back at this stage but should I now tell him about the new man or is this kinder to let us end on a good note?

OP, don't tell him.
You are absolutely entitled to your privacy.
You ended your marriage due to ongoing issues.
You do not owe him any more than that.
It is perfectly reasonable to want to avoid drama in your life.
Telling him will add unnecessary drama.

You became involved AFTER your marriage ended, which is the truth.
Don't go there.

No, you shouldn’t tell your DH the most heartbreaking thing you can hear about how a marriage ended just to try and ease your guilt

I’ve not read through all the comments here, but from reading the first handful, I’d have to say as someone who’s been on the other side of this, I think you’re better telling him the truth.

My previous situation was different insofar as I wasn’t married to the guy, but we’d been together for years and things ended very abruptly - he gave me all sorts of bullshit reasons, but the truth came out in the wash that there’d been someone else. If I’d known that from the get-go I’d have been able to get closure and move on a lot more quickly.

Won't your husband find out somehow? If that's likely then I'd probably tell him.

I wouldn't want to know and I don't think you should tell him.

No. No need to hurt him further just to make yourself feel better.

Considering this

and

I am unsure if I would feel safe enough to tell him in person. I don’t think he would hurt me physically, but I would feel emotionally unsafe and he might throw things or make me feel uncomfortable being in the same space.

it sounds that by telling him you’d be injecting major hassle and drama and possible more abuse

leave it

You should tell your husband the truth so that he can move on with his life and be happy too because he is probably still holding on to the hope of you and him working through whatever he thinks is going on

Cheated on by Ex-H and it felt like insult to injury that he couldn't even afford me the dignity of the truth when tearing my life apart. It would have allowed me to move on much quicker. The truth came out eventually which just added another layer of hurt. So I say be honest with him.

I don’t see any value in telling him you’ve met someone else. He sounds emotionally unavailable and has been verbally abusive throughout your relationship. If you had a loving relationship and this was out of character, then maybe you’d tell him, but I don’t think it’s safe to tell him why or necessary, at least not at this stage.

Sounds like you ex is confused about why you want leave, think your best to tell him about the other man so it makes sense and he can move on. He will find out sometime in the future so I would just disclose out of respect.

👏

I would strongly advise you not to say anything. You did the moral thing of ending it. At the point you separated you were starting to explore a single life. You do not put yourself in harm’s way. I have heard far too many women say ‘He has never hit me, just emotional’ or whatever but when anger descends or he realises there is no marriage way back or it isn’t just a break or whatever - anger and rage can escalate things. Why do this? Just move on and say you want to try to be friends with ex and leave it there / your dating is now nothing to do with him and vice versa. I think counselling is a good thing for you.

Reading between the lines I'm getting the impression that you're regretting leaving your husband?
Obviously tell me if I'm wrong