Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ ND: support thread 18

[Bluebellforest1]

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, some have ND children. It is a support thread and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations and try to keep it specific to you and your partner.

these threads have been going about 10 years now and have been a lifeline of support for many of us.

Previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17?latest=1

@Marshmallowkiss are you still unwell from that virus?

I’ve been tired my whole life. I am neurodiverse and fight everyday being the way I am.

I just try and explain to my daughter what is happening. How she behaves, how others behave, how we all connected, how we affect each other. How if we want differently sometimes we have to change how we behave. I explain about being ND, how not everything is what we think, how our brains work. How to talk to your brian etc. I separate it from who she is, how her nervous system responds to things. She needs to understand she is brilliant but she also has a brain that doesn’t always get it right. Also that others have similar issues and we all need kindness and understanding. Obviously not as direct as I’ve said. She can get very dark, she perceives such darkness in others which is not based in reality. It’s so fucking hard.

I don’t care about the stimming. It’s the unkindness, it’s the laughing at someone being sad, it’s putting everyone else down and downplaying everyone. She hates people being happy, especially if she isn’t. I honestly find her so difficult.

I think she hates feeling less then but doesn’t have the self confidence to feel the same as others so she puts them down. This train of thought really worries me and not something I want to grow within in. She is good at so many things, not everything but who isn’t. She is told often but nothing sticks. She is just so negatively biased. Im not sure if this is part of the ADHD.

I’ve just brought her a pet to look after and give cuddles. She is so good with animals and young children. It makes me cry to see her be like this.

What a tumultuous relationship marshmallow. I’m sorry it’s so up and down. It sounds so very hard and you’re doing your absolute best to guide her. No wonder you are exhausted. Carrying the emotional labour of raising neurodiverse children is a huge burden to be living with day in day out. It broke me as I was so isolated in the struggle through an unsupportive partner. I hope you can take time for yourself to recover/reset in some way. It’s so important to make sure your needs are met so you stay stable too.

And the pet is such a loving gesture ❤️

I think just reaching the level of acceptance has helped me. Before I was so desperate to find a way to help change her so that I could help her, make her adapt to this world so that she doesn’t feel the way she does. I thought this was the way to go, if I could change her then I could also feel better, less stressed and less out of control. It’s how I’ve lived my life to be honest and that’s what I think has made me unwell, working against my neurology. I have to stop this mentality because there is nothing “wrong” with her. All of this is so hard and there is no manuals, no family support. I have asked my partners parents to take them out, take them away from me for a few hours…they tell me “we did it without support so you can”. Doing this alone is what’s killing me. Asking and begging for support and getting no support. I love my children, they are brilliant but extremely high needs ALL THE TIME. The youngest does not like to sleep, the thought of it scares her apparently. They want to be stuck to me all the time. This is a good thing, I know they feel safe with me but I need time alone sometimes.

Being ND is not the issues, the lack of village and support is a killer for many people I know, for all sorts of reasons.

I've just dropped DS at the cinema with 5 friends for his belated birthday celebration. All of them are ND so it was a bit of a task herding them into the cinema! One autistic friend had a bit of a meltdown when his card didn't go through when buying snacks so I paid for them because I get that when things don't go to plan it can be difficult for them to cope with.

I just hope they are not driving everyone else there too mad as I expect they'll be quite loud and fidgety - there's basically 2 very quiet, introverted autistic lads, DS and one autistic friend somewhere in the middle, and 2 very hectic ADHD/AuDHD boys!

Haha Brilliant!

Having them over en masse is always... interesting. Two or three years ago we had a 'mobile arcade' party for his birthday where you get a young person who hosts, lots of games consoles and some beanbags over to your house and they were clearly used to dealing with groups of chaotic ND boys!

"we did it without support so you can"

Wow, that's blithely unhelpful.

The parenting standard of 30 years ago or more was far lower than it is now. If you were fed and watered, that was enough in many homes.

Now the standard, rightly in some ways, is far higher.

One of my friends hired someone to come in once a week in the evenings from picking up from school, to staying and cooking an easy dinner for her kids so she could stay out and do something until 11pm. Sometimes she went to the cinema. Sometimes she went shopping. She just wanted to escape and exist by herself.

But equally, you need time at home alone. Sometimes, that can be the most recuperative, especially when you are exhausted and have no energy to meet the world and all it has to offer, even though you'd love to. Do you work marshmallow? When the children are at school do you get any time then?

I only work one day a week. I do have a day and a half where they aren’t at home. Im mostly too exhausted to socialise at this point. I do love that time though and clean up etc. What hurts is the total lack of visibility, they don’t care. I have read the term “functional estrangement” and I feel this applies. His family meet, do a task and leave, they are psychologically and emotionally estranged. I am finding it harder and harder to turn up. They function like this, they are all clearly ND. I imagine they simply don’t have that social togetherness where we are emotionally connected. They find it all irritating, they all control freaks, they can’t work together. When in this situation with myself for example the lack of empathy is very apparent. When they are all together it’s like I’m in a different country. I don’t really trust anyone else with my kids and I’m not sure I trust these people really.

Ugh, so he's not in medication today because he has to do some night work and have a sleep this afternoon and he had a big explosion on his way out the door.

He did apologise almost immediately afterwards but it annoys me because even though I know that it doesn't really mean anything I'm still left a bit buzzing with adrenaline after and it makes it harder for me to get myself together all morning.

Mind you, a reminder that this happens less often on the meds!

@Echobelly hugs. It’s horrible when they go bang (child or adult) and you know you aren’t the cause but you get caught in the cross fire. It used to take me a solid hour to come down after a bad drop off at school and when DH is mardy I have to work ridiculously hard not to react when I know for sure it’s not me he’s actually stressed at. Sympathies.

I had a breakthrough with my daughter the other day. She woke in a mood and took it out on me. Obviously I know it’s not personal but it hurts. The next day she actually apologised. Which felt a big deal but you right in that in that moment she hurt me. It’s explainable but it’s still not nice. No one has to put up with the behaviour and I always try and talk to my daughter because in the RL friends/colleagues etc they won’t put up with this behaviour. We are still on the waiting list for meds.

We have spent hours explaining to DS that we are allowed to have feelings but that to expect our feelings to not impact others is unreasonable and to recognise that angry and aggressive behaviour (even if not directed at an individual) will cause other people distress. As he has got older his behaviour has got better. His emotional regulation has improved. We think the ADHD meds have helped with this. Equally when I lost my shit at the laptop yesterday I apologised later because I knew I had been snappy and short and listening to me swear at things even in the next room is not fun.

Self awareness is a curse. I often find non self aware people happier. Add a sprinkle of lack of empathy then they not self aware and don’t care! lol

DH has got better at realising what he's just done and apologising. I genuinely don't believe he can control it when it happens like that - his brain just convinces him that something someone said or did was on a slight on him, eg turning on the telly when he hadn't finished talking (because they thought he had finished) or not reacting unrealistically fast when he asks them to do something or not do something. It's like his brain goes 'How DARE they!' and then it's, as he puts it, 'ping pong ball in a hurricane' time

Sounds very ego/victim based. I wonder if this is more of a male characteristic of ADHD as my daughter’s emotional regulation doesn’t involve ego in this way. Or some trauma to his self esteem? Does he view himself as more important than everyone else? My little ones just gets overwhelmed with steps to tasks, doing things she dislikes and focus.

No, he's not otherwise self-important that's why it seems so weird. I think it's related to him having a mum who would also unpredict react to random things with disproportionate fury (and still does)

Hi all, can I join? I'm going to start by saying I don't know for sure my DH has autism, he suspects he does - and I agree - but he only admitted that to me today.

He got frustrated at our DS being sent home from nursery yesterday and apparently got cross at the staff when he picked them up. I only know this after getting an email from the manager asking us to come in for a chat. I've spoken to her and she's assured me that they're happy it was a one off and he's not getting kicked out. DH said he just can't help it and I get that, but I don't see him trying.
The truth is though I'm really starting to question if I want his behaviour around the kids. He quite often gets stressed and stims, which DD finds distressing.

Welcome, please do pull up a pew @startingtobreak

Welcome @startingtobreak

can I ask, is it your dh or your ds who got cross at the staff?
If it’s your dh, autism or not, he should be able to control his anger.

Stimming is different, esp at home.
How is he stimming in your dd is finding it upsetting?

Thanks both

@SpecialMangeTout3it was DH (DS is just a toddler). That's what worries me - it's so so out of order and it put DSs place in jeopardy which would also screw us over childcare-wise. He said after he gets riled up but then can't control it. The exploding doesn't happen often, but other times he starts stimming quite aggressively like rubbing the back of his neck, walking very jerkily and flicking his hands. It's really hard to explain - and might not really be stimming. When he does it I just go on edge though wondering if he'll explode or if someone we know will see his behaviour.

Coupled with him being a bit useless domestically and leaving everything to me (which I've allowed to reduce the pressure and therefore try to stop him getting worked up) it's all getting too much. The only positive point is that he will look after the kids/take them out so I can arrange to meet friends etc.

I guess my main worry is that if witnessing this behaviour is going to damage the kids.

When he’s flapping etc he is definitely brewing on something, he is processing what sounds like anger/frustration. How you are feeling is correct really in this circumstance because he is at this point overwhelmed and volatile. He could very well struggle with processing and regulation but this is not a you problem….well it does become one. He needs to seek therapy, support, get a diagnosis, admit he struggles, listen to how his behaviour is effecting you. If this does not happen you are at risk of it effecting your mental and physical health. He is in the “wrong” taking his anger out this way. He needs to work on himself and yes you can support him but he has to come to the conclusion that he has the difficulties not you and everyone else. I don’t know how you get a man to accept they have difficulties, none of the men in my life have ever been able to do so. It’s much easier to blame everyone else. Just make sure you don’t adapt and absorb this behaviour, it needs addressing seriously right away.