Sexual predator -brother-in-law

[Aitkenalistair]

Hiya , looking for a bit of advice. Had an argument with my big sister over something trivial,however it got a little out of hand and I informed her yesterday that 15 years ago her husband attempted to get into bed with my wife and loomed over her and kissed her 3 times on the forehead saying he loved her,when we were all on holiday . She pretended she was asleep and he eventually left. I have never told my big sis of this until yesterday as I didn't want to create a fuss. She does not believe this after speaking with her husband -who denied everything . Since that incident happened my wife has been afraid to be in the same room as my brother-in-law. Is there anything I can do to repair my relationship with my sister as she refuses to believe that this incident happened?

I think it's very difficult - you have kept this from her for 15 years and now blurted it out in an argument. From her perspective, she has been put in the position of having to choose who to believe, 15 years after the fact. He's her husband - she's going to want to believe him. And she's angry with you anyway because you've had a big argument and you've dropped this bomb on her in the worst possible way.

If you want to reconcile with your sister, I would recommend giving it some time for everything to calm down and settle. Then maybe reach out to her with an apology for how you have approached this. But if her husband is a sexual predator and she doesn't want to believe it, be prepared that she might well cut you off for good 😔

Do you mean your wife hasn’t been in the room with BIL in 15 years, or just since this recent argument? As I can understand your sisters shock if you and your wife just carried on as normal for 15yrs after this. I know abusive behaviour is not easy to confront but I can see this being hard to understand.

If you are confident that it happened and want to support your wife, then there is nothing you can do to repair the relationship. Give time to allow your sister to come to terms with the news and discuss again. But you can’t make her believe this about her husband, nor can you pretend it doesn’t matter, if you care for your wife.

Since the incident happened my wife has been very reluctant to be anywhere near him, which has been quite awkward when we have family gatherings

Was he drunk?

It sounds fairly innocent if he just kissed her on the forehead thinking she was asleep, it doesn't sound like he really tried very hard to get into bed with her, and presumably he then just left. Where were you? You should really have confronted him at the time, and got an apology at least. It doesn't sound like you thought it was a big deal at the time or it would have been a major bust up, man tries to get into bed with your wife and terrifies her and you do nothing....

Why on earth have you left this for 15 years?????

More awkward than your brother in law trying to get into bed with you? How would YOU feel if a male family member bigger than you did this to you? Genuine question.

You didn't support your wife and now you've totally fucked her over in order to get one over on your sister. And the advice you want is how to smooth things over with your sister? FML, as they say.

Abuse apologist alert!

Tbh your priority should be your relationship with your wife. Who presumably now has to deal with the fallout and being called a liar. Discuss with her.

Whatever you do, don't minimise what BIL did or backtrack over it. Don't "agree to disagree" if it happened or not.
She doesn't have to believe you, she sure isn't going to WANT to believe you, but you can't give an inch now or she'll run with it to convince herself you lied.

"It happened, of course he's going to lie to you and claim it didn't. Maybe he genuinely doesn't remember but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. It wasn't the right way to tell you, and i shouldn't have waited this long, but surely it must make a LOT of sense now why wife is so on edge around him and avoidant of him"

Who innocently kisses their unrelated except through marriage sister in law on the head several times while she is sleeping 🤢

FFS @Aitkenalistair you were supposed to be a husband and speak to the brother in law about his behaviour. 15 years ago. On that holiday. That fucking night. The second your wife told you. You were supposed to be rather upset, get up, walk out of your hotel room with a scowl on your face, knock on the door to his hotel room and ask him what the fuck he was doing? Do you not see that?

Wow, so he kissed her on the head three times, but attempted to get into bed with her, was he drunk, but what you were not there, and she’s now so terrified of him she can’t be in the same room as him, but obvs goes to family events and does so.

yeah I’d not beleive you either.

This! You should have cut that man out and kept him away from your wife at the time. Not tried to keep the peace

Woah! At no stage did he say his wife was raped.

Yeah i extrapolated a bit there but if she was that drunk and he’d gone ahead it could have turned into that.

it sounds fairly innocent if he just kissed her on the forehead thinking she was asleep

Are you insane?

I think I’ve proved the point of why it would also be bad for op if she believed him. Because it’s that bad.
op does not look good in this either way

Wtf... There is nothing innocent about this behaviour, and being drunk is not an excuse.

The only way it could be remotely innocent is if he got the wrong room and thought it was his wife. Even then he should have realised before any kissing was involved (leaving aside if it's ok to kiss your wife while she's asleep). But I guess OP will never know that as he didn't bring it up at the time.

My first thought was he was drunk, but a slobbering drunk who is trying to get into your bed is a scary thing.
I know many women prefer to handle things like this themselves, I am one of them, but if you say your wife has been afraid to be in the same room as him....for fifteen years since it happened, she was obviously really affected by this, and YOU should have sorted it out with your BIL at the time.

All you have done now is upset your sister in order to score a point.

Your poor wife.

What am I reading

Why didnt you deal with your BIL inappropriate behaviour 15 yrs ago and address it with him?
Did your wife express how she wanted the incident dealt with?
Why did you bring this up in an argument 15 yrs later,was the argument related to the BIL behaviour?
I feel very sorry for your wife .